Friday, 27 March 2009

Way Beyond The Pale



In a bizarre twist of fate, Kelly Llorenna releases a thumping trance cover of an 80s hit called Dress You Up originally sung by Madonna. Kelly is both MAD for it and MAD for DONNA-kebabs so it's a dream come true for the orange Nazi to get her cake and eat it and throw it back up and eat it once again. Like dairy, Llorenna just repeats and repeats until any record label that signs her goes bust. Already her former N-Trance producer Keven O'Toole is logging onto youtube pretending to be "a friend of Kevin" in order to diss the girl he clearly has a morbid obsession for (he's practically a gay fan!).

Thursday, 19 March 2009

What, more?

Sarah Whatmore gives her lover the what-for on her legendary J-Lo rip-off Autdomatic and writhed on a beach on the radio-lingering hit When I Lost You, but what happened to the parent album Living Proof?

Are You Ready For Love is sung as if the 'act' is already under way (with or without her would be my guess). Whatmore sounds like a more impassioned Gina G - the similarity is warmly reassuring as Sarah clearly was onto something not bad here.

Synths drool down the chin on Don't Let Me Go. Sticky vocoder verses and cushioning ooh's pass the time until the equally glib chorus has a goegeous sunset in mind - it's about as sexy as passing wind but this is pleasing half-baked dancefloor fodder at its best. Further Gina G-isms are evident from the flamenco flutter of Close To Me, which definately burns from the same candle as the album version of Everytime I Fall if you're after specific comparisons, but can't hit the same 'G'-spot, per say, as that song's eventual Todd Terry radio edit or Metro dance remix.

She shares a secret on the clumsily titled No One Knows, a miss-fire acoustic number I think really gives such hindsight listening to these tracks a conclusion that she wasn't a particularly extraordinary dance fiva after all. A tragic glimpse to the Delta Goodrimmer aspirations she is flirting with in 2009.

While the convincing revenge-plotting of Automatic is fully qualified ("you tried to video tape me, then you tried to rent me out" is hilarious), Are You Ready For Love and Don't Let Me Go are promising indicators that she was a mere 2 great songs away from having what will always pass for an outstanding dance album.

Whatmore is like an impaired dance-pop singer - she can't survive without The Remix (her recent 2 singles are very much evidence of this). It seems now she has chosen to abruptly abandon a style that fitted her like Sharon Osbourne's gastric band; it snapped and now it's gone all a bit shit.

Are You Ready For Love
Don't Let Me Go
Close To Me

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Finger On The Pulse

Why no play while you read?



When I started my blog a few years ago (it might also feel that I post as often as every few years), a favourite of mine was one of ageing diva Tina Cousins. Her dancefloor decay is evident on a face that looks trampled on by hords of happy club-goers. I am afraid that performing in too many chav clubs trying to sustain her taste for the high life has had its consequences: these places, as Dannii who avoids them knows (if one remembers my 'Dannii Roadkill' report), are dangerous - the moment a Cascada or Kelly Llorenna track starts, stampedes ensue and casualties are par for the course. Of course, punters run to the dancefloor when Cascada start pounding, whereas punters run away from the dancefloor when fake tan starts flooding the cloob as Kelly Llorenna whispers the name of her song ("is this really love or just a game?" was also her catchphrase as a hooker back in the day before making it big).




Cousins' remarkable survival has given her a revived sense of creativity on her new 90s trance anthem Can't Hold Back (The Years). "I finger you when I'm alone, it's what you do that turns me on" is unusually frank, but after her near-death experiences, Tina proudly giggles she's got nothing to lose these days. Please buy Tina's new song that isn't out yet - it's so good that she's been boasting about it since almost before I started writing this blog and I dread to think what her face will look like if you don't.

Thursday, 12 March 2009

That was 2008 then...

1. Dana International - Mifrats Ha ahava (The Love Bay)












Now that the worlds leading superstar tranny is fully functioning once more, Dana can even afford to slide out fierce gems like this in between albums. Her wasp-like vocals sting sharp and convery glamour drowning in terrified adrenaline. Embracing her euro-trance heritage and determination for ignoring the language barrier is a winning formula, and repeating her fetish for casting local rent boys for the video is going to get her into trouble one of these days. 2007-8 was such a strong year for her, the excitement continues in 2009 with a new album in the works and the a new (Isreali unfortunately) reality TV show, which began filming last year.
02. Kylie Minogue - The One (Single Edit/Freemasons Extended Edit)









Kylie's constant craving for Dannii's approval reached an all-time high, begging Danoushka to give her the thumbs up whilst cranking up the cringe factor, although once again copying her younger sis by working with the Freemasons a whole 2 years before Dannii eventually gets around to doing the same.
03. Cyndi Lauper - Into The Nightlife

Cyndi's tooth-pics her way through the verses with no urgent destination until the unindicated chorus blows into orbit, escaping her craziest chorus since the excitement of repeating "they just'a wanna." The sheer joy of Lauper firing from all cylinders is overwhelming and really subsides any analytical frustration one feels when considering her career as it "turned out" as is often said when one discusses "the 80s icon." Definately a Believe for 2008, but that's selling her achievement short. Lauper dabbled in dance as far back as 1993's Hat Full of Stars, incorporating beats and crudely discerning instruments (e.g, Some Like Me's classroom ribbed wood impliments, and here we have Lauper jangling her keys to hurry up the verses). A tacky video full of gays - I can't think why it bombed. Live, Lauper was a force to be reckoned with, her juttering striking animation was unpredictable and in the front row after she touched my hand I was awe struck for life. Taken from the career-best Bring Ya To The Brink album, which I really ought to have reviewed: Echo, Lay Me Down, Set Your Heart, Grab A Hold and Rain On Me were equally drool-worthy.
04. Solange - I Decided (Part II)

Solange was pregnant by the age of 12 yet "didn't do what the fast girls do," leaving one blushing to figure out just what on earth even she is turning her nose up at (double anal perhaps?). The frothy, exuberant giddiness, a la the glossy lubrication from dance whores Freemasons, is a far cry from the barren hollers of "all my single ladies!" - Solange has a pram to push so wastes no time in figuring out her objectives.
05. Michelle Williams - We Break The Dawn

Sulky, self-satisfied verses celebrate Michelle's nocturnal sex-drive, outside, where she "ain't stoppin for no one." Tell that to the police 'Chelle - Bouncy can't dress up as one in order to bail you out everytime.
06. Cyndi Lauper - Same 'Ol Story
Rowdy Lauper swears like a trouper on a chorus where she is the most unrestricted she has sounded since her hey day and that is a fact.
07. Kate Ryan - Ella Elle L'a

Soon to be flying over to the UK via "KateRyan Air," I cannot wait: this is flashy and sung with the kind of attitude that makes feeling good about yourself at the expense of others seem oh so thrilling.
08. Sia - The Girl You Lost To Cocaine (Stonebridge Edit)

Sia's pounding drug damage anthem will be played at funerals for years to come; she leaves the competition in dust, literally.
09. Lady Gaga - Just Dance
Entering pop world appeared to have been very easy for Gaga, but even if her image is genuine or not at least we know her nose is. The teetering guitars set this apart, and Gaga flexes the same muscle again on her fresh 2009 UK #3 hit Poker Face, which is even better.
10. Moby - Disco Lies

Shayna Steele practically chortles in joy as she vexes her anguish over a lying lowlife lover. The work-shy Freemasons gave this song a second shot in the UK where it eventually peaked at number 140, penetrating deeper in Belgium where it rose to number 4. I prefer the originals shredding synths ready to rip her ex to shreads presumably - Steele's operatic revenge was a defining moment of 2008.
11. Solange - Sandcastle Disco

Sung like an easy, breazy cover girl via instructions from Tyra Banks, Solange holds her nerve a second time and the results were practially on par with Deee-Lite's Thank You Everyday never mind her royal thighness Beyonce.
12. The Killers - Human

Pale and heterosexual skinny white boy Brandon Flowers became anorexic and flaunts it better in the new video to Spaceman.
13. Britney Spears - Piece of Me
There's enough to go round, we've all seen it. Sharp and dedicated to articulating the sheer ridiculous media ejaculations from early 2008, Bloodshy & Avant could not have predicted such a literal personification. It stays flat yet shifts gears in the most pleasing alterations.
14. Britney Spears - Womanizer

Sizzling electro heat deep-fries Britney's wanton appetite for sizing up her male equivalents. "Daddy-O" and "I got you crazy" are all we needed to hear.
15. Ladyhawke - My Delirium

Bristling, punky guitar-pop along the lines of Nicola Roberts singing Kool Thing by Sonic Youth. Like a commercial, anthemic PJ Harvey.
16. Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up

These bitches really delievered this time, although not really singing "I wanna have boobies" the choreography at least exploited this inadvertant gimmick. Nicole's PVC high kick whipped Girls Aloud's cottage cheese asses as far as I am concerned - what other popstar(s) right now could out-fierce the 'Vegas' dance breakdown from the video?
17. Mylene Farmer - Dégénération

Mylene's qualified kinkiness justifies falling asleep during eccentric sex as a "sexy choma."
18. Roisin Murphy - Movie Star

Murphy's inner Annie Lennox flares up, which is just as well given the Eurythmics star now thinks it's okay to cover Ash and Keane instead of getting her act together. Murphy still isn't excused for befriending tragic scene queens for the video.
19. Infernal - Downtown Boys

Like taking a delightful, drunken stroll through Amsterdams gay scene seeing what's about. This plods around just fine whilst we all wait for another Paris To Berlin or Keen On Disco.
20. Alanis Morissette - Underneathe

Shimmering production light up Morissette's isolated sadness into the prettiest thing she has recorded since Thank U. After being dumped in favour of Scarlette Johansson I am surprised she didn't kill herself.
21. Donna Summer - Stamp Your Feet

Like an airvent re-activating Donna's bodily function of dancing to her own music, Summer doesn't let anyone off the hook and was even arrested for kicking homeless people with "no rhythm." "Gotta stay in the game!" she hollered in the back of the police van driven by Diana Ross.
22. Infernal - Whenever You Need Me
More-of-the-same thought-povoking fuck-buddy balladry.
23. Infernal - Electric Light

"I want my heels sky high" could almost bring back fond memories of losing my virginity, but that's not for here.
24. Take That - Greatest Day

Slobbering Gary Barlow remebers his best 'Drive-Thru' McDonalds experience.
25. Ladytron - Ghosts

Vocals that lurk from below and a stark euphoria tremor together magnificently.
26. Beyonce - Put A Ring On It

Clearly 'cola bottle' Jay-Z is put off by her thighs like everyone else and can't keep it up. "Put a belt on it" more like it if rumours are to be believed. The hollering throuhgout the verses suggest she's been watching the Lion King too much; all is forgiven when the chorus flares up.
27. The Saturdays - Up

This stutteringly clumsy production was one of 2008's surprises seeing as I really can't stand these 5 wannabe WAGs. They would all go solo in a second if a record company gave the right offer - I don't like groups consisting merely of people who clearly see it as a foothold to nothing in particular. With these girls, except the one with the big forehead who I like and perhaps the one who can sing, it is more transparent than a tranny taking a pregnancy test: "It's a boy!"
28. Ladytron - Runaway
Slithering vocals that caress and snap at you are familiar reasons why Ladytron are so seductive - this is not their finest yet showcases their style and function.
29. Kate Ryan - L.I.L.Y
Generic euro-pop elevated by old-looking Ryan's appealing warmth and sensual husky tones. I love dance singers with limited ranges; she has conviction that goes a long way.
30. Kelly Rowland - Work (Freemasons Edit)

Rowland proudly flashes her bulge in the video, but the out-of-work Freemasons don't discriminate on whatever strand of the Beyonce brand they can get.
31. Girls Aloud - Can't Speak French

Xeonomania's production suddenly elevated to a new level of sophistication as if they'd discovered Mylene Farmer or something. Genuinely romantic and enticing - naturally, they murdered this one live.
32. Beyonce - If I Were A Boy
Nipping wannabe singers' careers in the bud is a bad habit for Beyonce, snatching this one from BC Jean. It rips off Joan Osbournes' One of Us and Fergies' Big Girls Don't Cry and yet delivers one of Beyonce's few arousing vocals. "Everything you had was destroyed" almost sympathises with every ex-bandmate she ever had, oh what pain she must have to suffer.
33. Mariah - Loving You Long Time

Maz will do anything it takes to get customer-priority from her local Chinese take-away service, so much so that she recorded a special non-patronizing song in honour of her love for deep-fried duck.
34. Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part
Saved by a remix.
35. Miley Cyrus - See You Again
Saved by a remix.
36. Annie - I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me

Curdled and faintly throbbing Richard X production that gives the whisper-siren another pop at being flavour of the month 4 years after she was the first time. She'll pop back up in 30 years time singing Milf Like Me - she's that edgy.
37. Kate Ryan - I Surrender
Not her best, but ingredients wise, summery dance music is forgiving to even songs without much of a decent tune.
38. Alphabeat - Fascination (Bimbo Jones Remix)
It may have outgrew its welcome, so thank God the Bimbo Jones remix rectified the situation just in time.
39. The Ting Tings - Great DJ
40. Brandy - Human

A nice ballad for Brandy to listen to in the car whilst obiding by the speed limit.
41. More, More, More - Dannii Minogue

She was so busy sunbathing, her moans for "more" are now legendary in Ibiza; so what if she was too tired to record the verses?
42. The Saturdays - If This Ain't Love
Like a sentimental Page 3 model ballad, as if facing facts when it comes to shagging footballers who are married to Cheryl Cole. The verses sound horribly servile, yet it's nice I suppose. A twee, wistful dance track.
43. Alphabeat - Boyfriend

A bouncy rhetorical showdown that's not exactly believable when you look at the 7ft tall supermodel singing this. Oh wait.. After failing to persuade the female singer to introduce them to the male lead singer whilst in London gay club Ghetto, my friend flatly told her "you're just a one-hit wonder and will fade away quicker than Aqua," before spinning on his heels and mincing off apparantly. Touche!
44. Gabriella Cilmi - Save The Lies
Cilmi's powerful screaching revved up one of the best revenge dance songs of 2008.
45. Britney Spears - Break the Ice

Carefully sung verses showing off a rare indication of vocal talent from Ms. Spears. Sadly, this was the final chapter from the truly remarkable Blackout era.
46. Hot Chip - Ready for the Floor
Fey and addictively contrite Gameboy nostalgia on the dancefloor.
47. Madonna feat Justin Timberlake - 4 Minutes...
... to the menopause
48. Kylie Minogue - Wow
A genuine tribute to her Step Back In Time days. The 3 seconds of Italo-piano keys are the best bit of course. Like vintage Alexia meets Daft Punk.
49. Robyn - Who's That Girl
Probably 3 years old by the time it was released, this was a stop-gap release that no one paid any attention to but it's self-loathing was still effective.
50. Paris Hilton - Paris For President

The T-Rex sillouette figured queen of insincerity can't win, but sticking up for The Gays was the best thing "we've" had since Madonna's Truth Or Dare.
51. Ladyhawke - Back Of The Van

52. Alphabeat - 10,000 Nights'
53. Ladyhawke - Paris Is Burning
54. Leona Lewis - Forgive Me

Limp finger-snapping from Leona, flattering close-ups and cod-reggae aspirations aside, Leona was getting on with it admirably if not spectacularly.
55. Ladyhawke - Dusk Till Dawn
56. Kylie Minogue - In My Arms

Unable to move her forehead, Kylie needed a quick briefing before recoring. "How do you describe a feeling?" she asked in cold terror. Her thin mettalic vocals work so well on the syngeing production from Calvin Harris, tredding the delicate web-like tremors. Oddly melancholic and reassuringly longing. Christ, Kylie's not so bad after all.
57. Rihanna - Don't Stop the Music
Makes one yearn for Gloria Estefan to get back on the treadmill and do her thang.
58. September - Cry For You
59. Santogold - LES Artistses
60. Christian Falk feat Robyn - 'Dream On
61. Usher - Make Love In This Club

No wonder dancefloors are so sticky.
62. Utah Saints - Something Good 08
63. Paula Abdul - Dance Like There's No Tomorrow

64. Freemasons - When You Touch Me
65. Gabriella Cilmi - Sweet About Me
66. Samantha Mumba - Gotta Tell You '08

Best listened to at my local gym avoiding eye-contact with skinheads whilst trying to perv on them. The Mumba probably only agreed to do this to woo some local chav she fancies.
67. Jeniffer Hudson - Spotlight
68. Kleerup - Longing For Lullabies
69.
Christina Aguilera - Superbitch

Oh really, Christina, this is what you come up with? Presumably she turns into a "superbitch" when she realizes Stripped was 7 years ago. It does appeal, but this was stagnant and half-baked. Her wig looks like albino pubes sprayed out of a can.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Crystal Meth & Special K


The crystal-meth cool from the lazy, drooling vocals from dance-dalek Krystal K juxtoposes breezey ("progressive") house courtesy of famed-lesbo Dannii disciple Jean Claude Ades and an oozing undertone of insoucience. J.C.A certainly likes his divas relaxed: Dannii obviously turned this one down, presumably supergluing herself to a sunlounger to get out of it, then just sniffing the stuff. The vocalist, under what guise is anyone's guess, had previously supported pork-scratching Robbie Williams, torso-owner Usher and pre-rehab Backstreet Boys, and by the time Let's Get It Right was released back in 2002, the song may as well have been snorted up a triangular Minogue nostril for all the impact it had (denting the allusive top 40 American Billboard dance charts). Nevertheless, her icy and aloof glamour purs a memorably monotone drole that melts into the serene grooves, which are far lighter than the tightly executed Dannii Monogue seapages that would hiss out of speakers in only a matter of months time. The Altitude remix illuminates an arctic sky into a heated trance, yet the husky vocals are an added thrill that even Dannii would have a hard time out-smutting. Buy the single wherever you can find it: you'll get to hear the Vox remix, which trust me is nearly 8 minutes.

Let's Get It Right - Radio Edit

Let's Get It Right - Altitude Remix