Whitney Strips For Morons

Whitney's extravagantly anticipated live UK TV comeback had spectators grovelling for her sillouette to emerge back into the spotlight: recieving their OMG ITZ WHITNEYEUSTON!!! applause like the oxygen she was missing during Million Dollar Bill's honey-dribling rapid verses, Whitney worked the crowd; hoisting her gown up to make her way back and forth, and round and round, the stage, microphone-gesturing just about anybody to save her from singing - I am sure she stuck it in Dannii's face backstage as well. Her helpless tarzan soars were kept to a minimum but were devoured by the whooping oinkers in the audience with the appropriate restrain one has came to expect from this show.

However, the main show was her 3-way chat with 'random' Dermot and a fawning Simon Cowell. If anyone can say WTF with half downturned eyes alone, it's Whitters, and her deliberately evasive feedback on the contestants performances was a stunning victory for reality over reality telivision.

Above: with no one to punch, the real wardrope malfunction was Cheryl's disasterous attempt to make herself sexy by covering her face and dressing up as a man in order to get a response from Ashley who was busy with his Nokia 330 throughout her performance to notice his wife getting it out the way without too much faults - it's not as if Fight For This Sham of A Career is a challenging song, even if you sing like a chav getting gang raped at the bus stop before her shift at Lidl.

Most jawdropping of all was the American singer's bemusement when her dress-straps came off - at least no crack came falling out. Her impromtu striptease no doubt wasn't even noticed by the morons clapping for high notes and other qualifications they might want to consider when voting such as talent and stage charisma. Seriously, she could only have topped it had she fell over or snorted cocaine of Dannii's note-perfect baps.