Kelly Llorenna

Since sliding down the wikio ratings faster than her dignity, Diva Incarnate's admiration for Kelly Llorenna has merely intensified stronger than the satsuma singer benchpressing a lorry full of fake tan and knock off e's.

Above: in a world full of tanning booths, you can lose sight of it all 'till the darkness that's inside your fried-to-a-crisp eyes makes you feel so small - the Lost Souls Mix is Kelly's very own True Colours; this was in fact the first version of what is now known as Set U Free and since renamed as a separate 'remix'.

When I am in a state of irrepairable rueful despair, whether I chose to be or not, nothing makes the agonising solitary experience of self-indulgent contrived pity more arousing than the enchanting Lost Souls Mix of Llorenna's signature hit Set U Free. Kelly's fire-extinguishing vocal is one of pure rapture and aching vulnerability for her black rapper boyfriend to pledge his monotone devotion ('I'm not a Cassanova / Just wanna shake you down ten times over' is convincing enough for me at least). What Kelly clearly needs most is to be forced through a car wash, only then will she be rid of her demons and 'set free' - in a world where Kelly Llorenna's skin doesn't make her look like a disfigured stock cube, who fucking knows where her career would be - Poland? Romania? Like I said, we just don't know. In the wise words of Geraldine Halliwell: 'go get yourself wet, girl'.