Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Hey Bitch, You're Not On The List

I love lists more than I love people so finally I can offer my favourite 69 tracks from 2007. As Jamie Lynne might sob whilst clasping a now frayed tampon, it's better late than never.


Soundbluntz - Maybe You'll Get Lucky

Morbid vocals that could send shudders through a corpse, that's because no man is safe from the macabre, morose sexuality of a woman who looks like a she does her own DIY chemical peels with a rusty cheese grater.


Kelly Llorenna - I Will Love Again

With the sex appeal of a battered haggis in a corset, Llorenna's lungs srurpass themseves, flopping harder than the lid of her tanning coffin (she sleeps in an actual tanning coffin you see).


Dana International - Love Boy

Israel's finest/ugliest rent boys are assembled for the video.


Jessica Simpson - A Public Affair


Mel C - I Want Candy


Kelly Rowland - Like This

Kelly shakes her bony ass like never before.


Paul Van Dyke ft. Jessica Sutta - White Lies

Pussy Posse singer delivers Dannii-esque strut-fest.


Love To Infinity ft. Kelly Llorenna - Sweetest Day of May
Still sings like she is gasping for air in the tanning booth (she rolls herself in cow dung for that last minute 'top-up'), whilst adamantly making use out of a track worthy of any mid-90s dance classic.


Darren Hayes - On The Verge of Something Wonderful

Thundering 80s-sounding self-loathing anthem. Kind of works.


Kylie Minogue - 2 Hearts

I'm being strict because if this was the Harris & Masterson remix then it would be far higher -she just doesn't know her audience anymore..


Nicole Scherzinger - Baby Love

Mushier than a tampon left out in the rain as Donna Summer once sang.


Sophie Ellis Bextor - Catch You

The bristling shimmer at the end saves an otherwise disappointing choice of singles.


Robbie Williams - She's Madonna

To include Robbie Williams in any 'favourite' list makes me want to choke faster than how I dream it will be with a 9ft tall basketball player, so this was an unexpected return to No Regrets form.

56. Kelly Clarkson - Don't Waste Your Time

If she was really brave she would have called her album this as well.


J-Lo - Do It Well

"I've never met a man so fat" is one of my catchphrases too.

54. Izabel Guzman - Love Song


Scooch - Flying The Flag


Mifi - Be Without You

Gina G in a parallel universe, if Ms. Gardiner could sing.


September - Until I Die


Roisin Murphy - Overpowered

Drips like leaving the tap on whilst industrial porn anthem Movie Star surely is the greatest song since Annie Lennox's Little Bird.


Hilary Duff - Stranger

Only to the charts.


Lola - I Can't Take It

I'm sure she can. Just buy an ice-pack. And a wheelchair.


Robyn - Handle Me

What kind of "Nazi" can't handle a 4'4" Swedish pop minstrel with dodgy eyebrows? Robyn's got her barbed wires crossed.


All Saints - Chick Fit


M.I.A - Boyz


Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Down Boy

Highlights the fact that Show Your Bones was actually rather patchy.


Timbaland - The Way I Are

His body issues don't excuse bad grammar - at least he not was wearing a vest again.


Fergie - Glamorous


Siobhan Donhaough - Don't Give It Up


Therese - Feelin' Me


Klaxons - Golden Skans

Even I can't resist beautiful indie boys every once in a while.


Joss Stone - Tell Me

Impromtu televised sermons prove to be her true calling yet this very TLC-sounding ballad forgives her anything.


Girls Aloud - Sexy! No No No...


Isabel Guzman - When You Were My Friend

Guzman won't quit putting up all her songs on Myspace - will anyone bother to buy her album?


Garbage - Tell Me Where It Hurts

Just ask Lola.


Nelly Furtado - Say It Right

Worthy of a 70s whore-ballad from Cher or the poise of Aaliya.


Unklejam - What Am I Fighting For


BWO - Chariots of Fire


Tori Amos - Bouncing off Clouds


Infernal - I Won't Be Crying

I gigantic sample parades stomping glamour whilst triumphantly bringing down an ex a peg or two.


Tracey Thorn - Raise The Roof


Debbie Harry - Two Times Blue

Like a birthday present to her gay grandson, Harry let's her hair and her tights down on her best since any other solo single you are able to remember.


Alphabeat - Fascination


Dana International - At Muhana

Revved up to spit at her critics, this is shows Rihanna's Shut Up & Drive how it should be done.


Gwen Stefani - Early Winter


The Killers - Read My Mind


Dannii Minogue Vs. Jason Nevins - Touch Me Like that

Jason Nevins gives an immobile Dannii a fresh pounding in her quest to sing the ultimate Ibiza anthem; it couldn't have been that great or Danoushka would have actually moved in the video.


Spice Girls - Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)

Tying in with their "narrative" more than anything else, it's just as good as any album track from their third. Subtly layered to reward repeated listends, just a pity it fell on death ears unlike the concert which was monumentally life-changing.


Danny - Play It For The Girls

"Girl" rhymes with "world" - okay, we can let him off this time.


Roxette - Reveal

The teetering Attic remix deserves a higher placing, as does the spellbinding Kleerup edit, which parts ways using strings almost identical to Arcade Fire's Rebellion (Lies).


Victoria Beckham - My Love Is For Real

Vicky B's sunkissed dance-slam finally splat and positively melts like Rebecca Loos in the arms of V's husband David.


Dragonette - I Get Around

Initially I couldn't be bothered listening to another stylised electro outfit, but this gets under the skin being the ultimate soundtrack for doing a walk of shame (well when it's warm enough not to care about losing your jacket the night before).


Siouxsie - Into A Swan


Soundfreaks ft. Andrea Britton - Counting Down The Days


Billie Ray Martin - Undisco Me

Billie's unfinished-sounding Undisco Me is so fabulous you'd need to request a diet avion afterwards.


Pay TV - Work That Body

Mirror gazing on the treadmill has never been more delightful or shameless.


Celine Dion - Taking Chances

Having to wait until Celine finally soars so dramatically she burns off her clit is unsettling to hear her so refrained. Watch the video to see the hilarious lenghts Celine will go to meet someone off the internet for a random shag.


Sugababes - About You Now


Ashamed - Bertine Zetlitz

More sardonic narcissism from Norway's finest.


Robyn - With Every Heartbeat

Usurping otherworldly melancholy. She's doing well to follow this up with a top 10 and 20 hit when everything else is so minimalistic in comparison. Good to have her back so radically strong.


Shakira - Pure Intuition

Sounding like a 2007 update of Soft Cell was a Spanish #1 and ought to have been huge everywhere else if given the chance.


Rihanna ft. Jay-Z - Umbrella

Hearing Glaswegians taunt Rihanna's "ella" repition from their moving cars is a unique anf terrifying experience. In reality Rihanna had simply never heard the word before and was asking for reassurance from her producer.


Freeform Five - No More Conversations (Richard X Remix)

Richard X's plunging remix has fromiddable style like an appalled Marlene Dietrich collaborating with Dead or Alive.


Lucky Twice - Lucky

Double-threat and just-good-friends euro duo rekindle Whigfields hey-day memories.


Vanessa Paradis - Divine Idylle

Unassuming pure 60s pop perfection. A french #1 single.


Dana International - Hakol Ze Letova

The most gorgeous gust of pathos to arrive like a winter chill, Dana's unclear misery seeps through the language barrier, and is a beguiling and mystical opus.


Girls Aloud - Call The Shots

Swirling pathos, like love going down the plug hole, Nicola's stunning middle-8 projects towards the stars and creates their most stunning moment yet. More devastating than realizing someone has blocked you on MSN.


Ultra Nate - Automatic

Sharply executed grime has Ultra on her finest form to date.


Britney Spears - Gimme More
Big B's gloriously murky comeback single shone just enough twinkle from those dead eyes to become easily the most exciting track to hear in a club all year. The wrenched electro ska accompanying the line "we can go down" is so swanky it's a wonder there's not more single mothers taking up drugs. Over to you, Jamie Lynne.

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