Wednesday 30 March 2011

@guilera @nd Spe@rs @re @ it on twitter

Ever since evergreen beauty Madonna reached out and asked "Hey Britney, you say you wanna become a shadow of your former vacant self, look like a drugged-out hooker doing a walk of shame and bare your soul?" and giggled something about coming over here to show off her gym-ripped vagina, well Christina has been patiently waiting to pluck her pubes and pluck up the courage to make a similar statement that would send shockwaves around Mansion Aguilera if not the world. Literally days ago now, @ blurted out on twitter:

Hey @ Congrats on Femme Fatale release! Can't wait to see what you bring in the next video. xo - Xtina

Word is Christina had to make 5 attempts typing her message, but Diva Incarnate has found the original message deemed too 'raw and organic' for twitter. Found on a used sanitary towel in Nicole Richie's trashcan, Aguilera's first attempt at reaching out to the dead-eyed How I Roll singer was less kind than the eventual passive-aggression she settled on:

Hey @ - just fell off my thrown Lol-ing at ur attempts to not look like a gangraped tranny in headlights on GMA. Congrats! xo - Xtina

Not one to just sit there drooling onto her bib, at least not too long, Britney was soon spoonfed some calpul and groaned once to give the okay for her people to form a sentence and pretend it was written by the sometimes singer (who also had a song called Sometimes). Only a matter of 60 minutes later Aguilera finally got the global acclaim she had been after and got a responce:

Thanks @. Can't wait to watch you on your new show. Hope we get to hear that voice on The Voice. -Brit

Kind of cruel to knock a flop singer, flop actress, flop mother, flop lesbian, flop wife and flop tweeter when she's down, but Diva Incarnate also learned of what Britney originally wanted to respond with. This time the words were written using red and yellow crayons, on the back of a prescription thrown out the window of her car as the singer was driven to KFC:

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!

The message was found by an unknown Lohan doing community service, but no alarms were raised as Tom Cruise has repeatedly told police that Katie Holmes pulls the same "prank" 2 or 3 times a week and is a "new game" that slightly out of it-looking LA celebrities like to play in order to stay down to earth and regular.

Cheryl Cole hooks up with RedOne?

As we know, limp and lifeless Cheryl Cole is used to hooking black women in toilets, but now internet rumours are suggesting that the nation's favourite racist is hooking up with Swedish producer Red One. I can just imagine it now:

Red One !!!

Bring me that b**** bitch here now...

... er Cheryl Cole !!

No thanks. Just stick to looking older everytime you get papped whilst deliberately looking sad so that more headlines can flood the tabloids: "devasted Cherly gets texts from Ashely.... sad Cheryl betrayed by the KKK who deem her 'too extreme' ... Horrible bitch Nadine tells Cheryl she doesn't like racists", etc.

Friday 25 March 2011

Dana International is BACK on the Eurovision stage!



Yes, that is right, a tranny is singing a song called Ding Dong. You couldn't make it up. Sadly it's not a patch on some of her work from her last album Hakol Ze Letova, released back in 2007, and she'll need to think of a better strategy than look-at-my-dress-for-3-minutes if she wants to finish in the top three quarters of the scoreboard. I'll still be voting for her, but I would have expected better given her well-remembered triumph in 1998. Perhaps I am sounding harsh: it does at least grow on you, and the gal did write it all by herself.

This is my current favourite song from her last album:


Tuesday 22 March 2011

Quiché... Blackroom

Lorraine is dead, long live Blackroom. Before Scotland's economy collapses, I must point out that the Lorraine Kelly is fine and has never felt better in fact, on a side note, having decided to use flora as a way to lower her colesterol levels ("I put it on my toast, scons, haggis and porrige and I feel dead brilliant" she barked uncontrollably until Penny Smith stepped in and slapped her with a trout). Sorry for the UK-ccentric references: I'll get to my point - Blackroom have sent me (okay and everyone else on their mailing list) a free download of a nice 'wee' song called Angel.

Britney Spears - Femme Fatale (2011)

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Wednesday 9 March 2011

Freak Asylum - New Single On The Way

Looking like a cross between Confessions of A Dancefloor era Madonna, Big Brother's legendary Ashlene and a fashion-forward bouncer at a swingers club, Kelly Llorenna looks sensational, from head to crotch (the clothes don't go down any further and her legs look good enough for Mattele to sue for copyright), in these brand new Freak Asylum posters. I could not be more excited to finally hear the long-awaited debut single from these guys, officially confirmed as You Better Leave. Something tells me this isn't a polite ballad affair. Kelly's voice is expected, as ever, to be on fine form and I am intrigued to hear this new sound. Will it still be dance? Will it be slick and glossy?


Just another day at the office.