Wednesday, 30 March 2011

@guilera @nd Spe@rs @re @ it on twitter

Ever since evergreen beauty Madonna reached out and asked "Hey Britney, you say you wanna become a shadow of your former vacant self, look like a drugged-out hooker doing a walk of shame and bare your soul?" and giggled something about coming over here to show off her gym-ripped vagina, well Christina has been patiently waiting to pluck her pubes and pluck up the courage to make a similar statement that would send shockwaves around Mansion Aguilera if not the world. Literally days ago now, @ blurted out on twitter:

Hey @ Congrats on Femme Fatale release! Can't wait to see what you bring in the next video. xo - Xtina

Word is Christina had to make 5 attempts typing her message, but Diva Incarnate has found the original message deemed too 'raw and organic' for twitter. Found on a used sanitary towel in Nicole Richie's trashcan, Aguilera's first attempt at reaching out to the dead-eyed How I Roll singer was less kind than the eventual passive-aggression she settled on:

Hey @ - just fell off my thrown Lol-ing at ur attempts to not look like a gangraped tranny in headlights on GMA. Congrats! xo - Xtina

Not one to just sit there drooling onto her bib, at least not too long, Britney was soon spoonfed some calpul and groaned once to give the okay for her people to form a sentence and pretend it was written by the sometimes singer (who also had a song called Sometimes). Only a matter of 60 minutes later Aguilera finally got the global acclaim she had been after and got a responce:

Thanks @. Can't wait to watch you on your new show. Hope we get to hear that voice on The Voice. -Brit

Kind of cruel to knock a flop singer, flop actress, flop mother, flop lesbian, flop wife and flop tweeter when she's down, but Diva Incarnate also learned of what Britney originally wanted to respond with. This time the words were written using red and yellow crayons, on the back of a prescription thrown out the window of her car as the singer was driven to KFC:


The message was found by an unknown Lohan doing community service, but no alarms were raised as Tom Cruise has repeatedly told police that Katie Holmes pulls the same "prank" 2 or 3 times a week and is a "new game" that slightly out of it-looking LA celebrities like to play in order to stay down to earth and regular.

Cheryl Cole hooks up with RedOne?

As we know, limp and lifeless Cheryl Cole is used to hooking black women in toilets, but now internet rumours are suggesting that the nation's favourite racist is hooking up with Swedish producer Red One. I can just imagine it now:

Red One !!!

Bring me that b**** bitch here now...

... er Cheryl Cole !!

No thanks. Just stick to looking older everytime you get papped whilst deliberately looking sad so that more headlines can flood the tabloids: "devasted Cherly gets texts from Ashely.... sad Cheryl betrayed by the KKK who deem her 'too extreme' ... Horrible bitch Nadine tells Cheryl she doesn't like racists", etc.

Friday, 25 March 2011

Dana International is BACK on the Eurovision stage!

Yes, that is right, a tranny is singing a song called Ding Dong. You couldn't make it up. Sadly it's not a patch on some of her work from her last album Hakol Ze Letova, released back in 2007, and she'll need to think of a better strategy than look-at-my-dress-for-3-minutes if she wants to finish in the top three quarters of the scoreboard. I'll still be voting for her, but I would have expected better given her well-remembered triumph in 1998. Perhaps I am sounding harsh: it does at least grow on you, and the gal did write it all by herself.

This is my current favourite song from her last album:

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Quiché... Blackroom

Lorraine is dead, long live Blackroom. Before Scotland's economy collapses, I must point out that the Lorraine Kelly is fine and has never felt better in fact, on a side note, having decided to use flora as a way to lower her colesterol levels ("I put it on my toast, scons, haggis and porrige and I feel dead brilliant" she barked uncontrollably until Penny Smith stepped in and slapped her with a trout). Sorry for the UK-ccentric references: I'll get to my point - Blackroom have sent me (okay and everyone else on their mailing list) a free download of a nice 'wee' song called Angel.

Britney Spears - Femme Fatale (2011)

If pussy's could talk... pop star pantheon Briney's air-tight tunes almost have as much thrush as her love blender, only with less of a mess presumably. And less guilt for enjoying them. Wiping both her pussy and her slate clean (or as good as), Femme Fatale painfully oozes with all the right and wrong mixtures of dance/trance lubrication and cock-hungry infections.

Sounding like the most un-erotic generic club skank of all time, Britney seemingly sings from her sling: probably something about having great tits and an ass that can take things to the next level baby; and needless to say Till The World Ends is her best single since any-cock-will-do gangbang anthem Gimme More in 2007. Sulky verses, and a chant-heavy chorus number 1 and classic hopeful-escape chorus number 2 that lingers like bad breath is bound to be all over TV and radio this summer long after it's out the charts. A song that's destined to ignite clubs and stadiums. In Croatia (no diss to Croations, apart from the homophobic ones naturally). A triumph of foreign relations - Britney's already booked her Ryan Air flights to Japan so her magic vadge can soak up the floods.

Even choppier, the relentlessly thumping sexual warfare of Hold It Against Me isn't quite as sleazy and disgusting as it wants to be, but Brit's melancholic treacle seaps through a wreckage of electronic sounds: the chainsaw bass reverberates violently, crashing momentum, and those moments (are they the chorus? are they the bridge? is she awake?) that make you see stars. In spite of, well, everything, its pugnacious and plaintive hooks are sturdy, and chunkier than her between-albums thighs, and chaffe with equal pain, ridicule and menace. This song goes hard - watch her athletic marching on the spot in the video for proof.

The original snippet was a lot to get excited about, but Inside Out (and I'm sure she can) sounds rather sluggish when stretched out into a full song. It's so slow she might even be able to dance a little to it on tour. What a disgusting party trick she has - considering we've all seen it, boasting about turning her penis-pouch inside out is pretty tasteless, and I certainly won't be eating gammon slices again anytime soon.

Firing up her blow-up doll coo, I Wanna Go itches her rash for boisterous boys, clubcentric poundings, as well as some innocent cock-crazed fun whilst the Kids are with Kevin. Complete with the best wistles on a dance track since Bob Siclair, Britney's got enough encouragement during her sarcastic "shame on me" to sell this with brainless perfection. I hope this one will be a single. Rihanna will be sweating under her weave when she hears this.

When How I Roll starts it sounds like we're hearing Britney getting wheelbarrowed again by one of her black music producers. Nintendo-lite bleeps and bloops are adorably cutesy in their mimesis of Britney's intense maturity, whilst "get down where my pussy's at" is what posse is meant to sound like presumably - that's how she rolls her flaps back inside her underwear by the sounds of it (don't think you're above such commentary: we've all seen the pictures of her crotch-kebab looking like an untreated axe wound).

Written almost as if it were a responce to Justin's risky sex jam anthem BareBack, in terms of structure Drop Dead Beautiful functions like a killer Blackout bonus track (think of the simple-but-effective Get Back). The territorial dancefloor energy insures repetitious sexual commotion along the lines of calling someone goodlooking at gunpoint. Her KFC drive-thru protocal is just as rude.

Talking bollocks, Big Fat Bass is a load of shit. Seal It With A Kiss is listenably generic. Gasoline is an example of style over substance abuse - it's so bad she'll lose her kids if authorities hear it.

Trying hard to be Kelis, Trouble For Me is utter shit.

Lacking an Everytime, When We Kiss, Heaven On Earth, Unusual You or Trouble, I guess Criminal is all we're getting. I'm not feeling it: this surly sod sounds more like a functional drink driver than an irresistable rapist.

Trancetastic Trip Your Heart is awesome enough to be the best Ian Van Dhal song ever! Just a dream. It's the nearest token Britney pilled-up-to-her-eyeballs shoegazer we are going to get here - hence why it's the best song of the lot. Swoon-inducing synths.

Amid the din and gore of Britney's attempts to turn her vagina inside out in order to stay relevent with the kids, there's a lot of junk in the trunk, and yet Femme Fatale is impressively coherent and puts most of her back catalogue to shame. Not a patch on the seminal Blackout, it's at least an improvement on the jeuvenile Circus tricks. She might be boring as hell, but s&m-ing and cock-craving on top of shiny, obligatory over-to-you-Rihanna club bangers kinda suits her.


Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Freak Asylum - New Single On The Way

Looking like a cross between Confessions of A Dancefloor era Madonna, Big Brother's legendary Ashlene and a fashion-forward bouncer at a swingers club, Kelly Llorenna looks sensational, from head to crotch (the clothes don't go down any further and her legs look good enough for Mattele to sue for copyright), in these brand new Freak Asylum posters. I could not be more excited to finally hear the long-awaited debut single from these guys, officially confirmed as You Better Leave. Something tells me this isn't a polite ballad affair. Kelly's voice is expected, as ever, to be on fine form and I am intrigued to hear this new sound. Will it still be dance? Will it be slick and glossy?

Just another day at the office.