Divine Romance

The plucky, swirling momentum of Divine Idylle by Vanessa "mind the gap" Paradis is an addictive pop rash impossible not to keep insistently itching like a maniac with no arms (thank goodness Kylie has 2 of these attachments or her new European single would make her look like a fraud). In amongst a swirling, smiling orchestra, Paradis' breathy vampish voice is nubile and nimble, whilst the gatecrashing guitars are invaluable to her sparkling energy. With the lyrics roughly translating to "My madness, my craving, my lubie, my romance" it sounds like a KY ad campaign isn't far away if her, ahem, music dries up.


Divine Idylle

Don't Forget To Catch Me

If you thought a song called People Get Real would consist of finger-waving Jeremy Kyle sound bites and street-savvy colloquialisms then speak to the hand and get a DNA test – Saint Etienne’s Sarah Cracknell resists the urge to holler “you ain’t my real mutha anyways” by reuniting the raddled 90s pop scene with revised 1960s kitsch so dreamy it’s beyond hallucination. Cracknell’s foamy and breathlessly quiff-like cooing won’t worry Whitney, but does the job wonderfully with her menacingly sweet abilities, as on the dense melancholy of Avenue, swirling in delicious candyfloss nostalgia. Kiss & Make Up sung by Donna Savage floats ashore giving you memories you never had in the first place.

Counteracting these warm tones of lush promenade promise, the stoic disco coping strategy Like A Motorway is a lucid account of detached echoing grief – Cracknells cracked façade absorbs into the lurid Moroder bass line like ink bleeding onto paper, with the untouchable fluid fatality of reading a suicide note mirrored to the greediness of an intrusive newspaper headline. Her frozen horror fades into the horizon but with lingering calculation.

Further on in their discography, the cosy “hold tight” stargazing flight of Stars Above Us gave the group their best chance of a hit single since the Motiv8 rampage He’s On The Phone. With a possible dance project igniting the rumour mill perhaps once more they are on the cusp to deliver disorientated pop perfection all over again.

People Get Real

Kiss & Make Up

Avenue

Like A Motorway

Stars Above Us (Eric Kupper Radio Remix)

Waite's Weightless Orgasm & Smirking Ceremony

South African starlet Genevieve Waite is a riot of eccentricity on her 1 and only album Romance Is On The Rise; her sultry allure presents an untampered raggedly elegant style that is effortlessly charming like a telling hic-up of gin bubbles. As on the sun-soaked bonus track Pink Gin & Lime, her drowsy drawl (a shredded, expressive rasp) and whimsical clasp of daft kitsch is sharper than the heels she stumbles in as her stories slide into dreamy stupors ("pink gin & lime for a fake ballerina, out of her mind from sniffin' dry cleaner" is the helium highlight here) . Piano keys are pervasively pressed as if rippling a pool of champagne, but trip over themselves on the jaunty Times of Love, which stumbles merrily - Waite's weightless orgasm of infatuation chuckles she hasn't left the house for days (does she use gaydar too?). The trumpeting Slumming On Park Avenue could be an alcoholic Mary Poppins "sniffing everything in sight" with its giddy glee intermission feel, whilst the self-assured jazzy show tune Biting My Nails catches the jiving songbird in the act.

Her wide-eyed carnage is hushed into a sweetly yawning torch ballad on American Man On The Moon where her ponderous crooning sounds delicately overcome like a jewellery box ballerina gently winding down. Elsewhere there is the soft strum of the nose-blowing ballad Saying Goodbye, the chic disco drive-thru of White Cadillac, Those Trashy Rumours moves slower and the dried up tears of Danny. The stifled resignation of Girls offers her breezy humour more wickedly straight moments: "girls are running 'round in your head, you'll wish you liked boys instead." Her often poignant elixir of tender innocence and indulgent decadence equips her perfectly to cover Velvet Underground's Femme Fatale, wherein the casual lyric "hear the way she talks" could have been especially tailored for the beguiling chanteuse. Waite's infectious insouciance creates a dainty scenery littered with lyrical quips and campy flourishes of flagrant truth. With each listen, her perky entertainment of spirited flamboyance and smirking ceremony is never remotely diminished.


Pink Gin & Lime
Times of Love
Femme Fatale

Move Along, Dion!

Celine's fluttering forray into faceless hyper-barmy Euro-dance slams the piano keys with itching grit and feerless surrender to the grooves taking (chances) over her otherwise signature sense of restrain. Dion applies simplistic ideals in order to aid the quivering quest to free her quaking heartache at all costs - she'll quite happily interrupt family squabbles in exclusive restaurants such as Little Chef by bursting into her dance track gem Just A Little Bit of Love. Her well-publicised ability to express earnest emotion using her forehead is given alarming relief to give Celine no other option but to impulsively hit the dancefloor in order to solve the worlds problems.

Just A Little Bit of Love

Fully Booked Functioning Dance Dealer

Apart from having a fully functioning vagina (or otherwise), the other main criteria for being a credible dance diva beyond being "down with the Gays" is to be in it for the long run. In-the-mix Euro Minx and Dutch dance dealer Amber lays her cards on the table better than ever with her revved-up belter Just Like That, more than 13 years after she first started with her tracks produced by the Real McCoy helmers. She delivers more regularly than a fully booked prostitute in Iraq.

The Jason Nevins Remix hardens her sound, fleshing out her already tough-if-slightly-bonkers lyrical 'tude. Nevins decorates the track as if fawning over Flash Dance by Deep Dish, before it plunges like a Mogul Skiing onslaught.

Voodoo's absorbing allure, ponders the sharp edge of a knife. A chorus carves consise scrutinised adrenaline worthy of her best harcore euro bafflers.

Amber is a dance deity and even if these remixes were what was required to salvage an arguably patchy album not entirely committed to dance, they prove her to still be in contention as a thriving force equally strong as when she started if not more.

Just Like That (Jason Nevins Club Mix)

Bullet-Proof Euro Boppers

Taco-sized Italian Alexia shuns all traces of modesty and obviously believes she is quite the catch, proudly propositioning men to "feel the vibe, whoa-whoa-yeah" on one of her best album track slices of rampant Hi-NRG harassment, Make You Happy. Not taking no for an answer covers familiar subject matter for the diva (Gimme Love, I Want You, to name but two others), but Alex laughs off her restraining orders to belt out another bullet-proof Euro bopper with her unique sense of dancefloor mayhem.

Make You Happy

Prozac-Pumping Happy-Slappers

Corona's belated 1998 sophomore album fell short on their trademark bouyant Hi-NRG happy-slappers, but the prozac-pumping pulse of The Power of Love at least skims the surface of what should have been an everlasting disco orgy. Vocalist Sandy Chambers' shit-gritting breazy delivery determins to "be the bii-est" (Note: not the most bisexual) like no other faceless session singer before her, and is effortless like power steering. The face of Corona - half Brazillian Goddess, half human skyscraper - Olga Souza had to make do with a video budget cheaper than a shoplifted pregnancy test, yet still strikes her unmistakable poses whilst wearing a pink wig that would later be stollen by a young Britney Spears. The self-referencing title track, Walking On Music, surfs a more ecstatic wave.

The Power of Love
Walking On Music

The Power of Love video

Fall In Love With Business Men

Polish Plavka Lonich will do just anything for a Visa - she doesn't need one but when a fat man in a suit says he will give her one then she is ready for just about anything. The Bosche & Lomb factory worker once sang on Jam & Spoon's mega hit Right In The Night (Fall In Love With Music), but her restrained-yet-powerful quality was a thing of beauty on the follow-flop-up Find Me. Sounding ripe like bleeding cherries, her caramalised connection to the apocaliptic trance is poised perfection. The bleak sounding Find Me gives her an eloquence beyond experience (her phoney Visa pursuits have took her places that would make a whore blush, etc), and the haunting Angel (Ladadi O-Heyo) is possibly even more stark with its flamenco flutter enticing the chace. Her vampishly detached iciness carves a sharp vocation that is impossible persuasion.

Find Me
Angel (Ladadi O-Heyo)

Angel (Ladadi O-Heyo) video

Frat Boy Ejaculation

After sensibly wiping up his "liquid dreams" Ashley Parker Angel still can't prevent himself getting into sticky situations. His Max Martin fired debut single Let U Go chugs along ferociously much like Kelly Clarkson's Never Again but with an actual melody. His frat boy sense of loss is endearing if a little clumsy, and we'd all know exactly how to step into this high maintenance girlfriend's shoes if he doesn't make his decision soon. I'm Better wears the same shirt inside-out - "it's cool we talk about whatever" just adds to his thank-God-he-is-pretty appeal.

Let U Go
I'm Better

Hey Bitch, You're Not On The List

I love lists more than I love people so finally I can offer my favourite 69 tracks from 2007. As Jamie Lynne might sob whilst clasping a now frayed tampon, it's better late than never.

69.

Soundbluntz - Maybe You'll Get Lucky

Morbid vocals that could send shudders through a corpse, that's because no man is safe from the macabre, morose sexuality of a woman who looks like a she does her own DIY chemical peels with a rusty cheese grater.

68.

Kelly Llorenna - I Will Love Again

With the sex appeal of a battered haggis in a corset, Llorenna's lungs srurpass themseves, flopping harder than the lid of her tanning coffin (she sleeps in an actual tanning coffin you see).

67.

Dana International - Love Boy

Israel's finest/ugliest rent boys are assembled for the video.

66.

Jessica Simpson - A Public Affair

65.

Mel C - I Want Candy

64.

Kelly Rowland - Like This

Kelly shakes her bony ass like never before.

63.

Paul Van Dyke ft. Jessica Sutta - White Lies

Pussy Posse singer delivers Dannii-esque strut-fest.

62.

Love To Infinity ft. Kelly Llorenna - Sweetest Day of May
Still sings like she is gasping for air in the tanning booth (she rolls herself in cow dung for that last minute 'top-up'), whilst adamantly making use out of a track worthy of any mid-90s dance classic.

61.

Darren Hayes - On The Verge of Something Wonderful

Thundering 80s-sounding self-loathing anthem. Kind of works.

60.

Kylie Minogue - 2 Hearts

I'm being strict because if this was the Harris & Masterson remix then it would be far higher -she just doesn't know her audience anymore..

59.

Nicole Scherzinger - Baby Love

Mushier than a tampon left out in the rain as Donna Summer once sang.

58.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Catch You

The bristling shimmer at the end saves an otherwise disappointing choice of singles.

57.

Robbie Williams - She's Madonna

To include Robbie Williams in any 'favourite' list makes me want to choke faster than how I dream it will be with a 9ft tall basketball player, so this was an unexpected return to No Regrets form.

56. Kelly Clarkson - Don't Waste Your Time

If she was really brave she would have called her album this as well.

55.

J-Lo - Do It Well

"I've never met a man so fat" is one of my catchphrases too.

54. Izabel Guzman - Love Song

53.

Scooch - Flying The Flag

52.

Mifi - Be Without You

Gina G in a parallel universe, if Ms. Gardiner could sing.

51.

September - Until I Die

50.

Roisin Murphy - Overpowered

Drips like leaving the tap on whilst industrial porn anthem Movie Star surely is the greatest song since Annie Lennox's Little Bird.

49.

Hilary Duff - Stranger

Only to the charts.

48.

Lola - I Can't Take It

I'm sure she can. Just buy an ice-pack. And a wheelchair.

47.

Robyn - Handle Me

What kind of "Nazi" can't handle a 4'4" Swedish pop minstrel with dodgy eyebrows? Robyn's got her barbed wires crossed.

46.

All Saints - Chick Fit

45.

M.I.A - Boyz

44.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Down Boy

Highlights the fact that Show Your Bones was actually rather patchy.

43.

Timbaland - The Way I Are

His body issues don't excuse bad grammar - at least he not was wearing a vest again.

42.

Fergie - Glamorous

41.

Siobhan Donhaough - Don't Give It Up

40.

Therese - Feelin' Me

39.

Klaxons - Golden Skans

Even I can't resist beautiful indie boys every once in a while.

38.

Joss Stone - Tell Me

Impromtu televised sermons prove to be her true calling yet this very TLC-sounding ballad forgives her anything.

37.

Girls Aloud - Sexy! No No No...

36.

Isabel Guzman - When You Were My Friend

Guzman won't quit putting up all her songs on Myspace - will anyone bother to buy her album?

35.

Garbage - Tell Me Where It Hurts

Just ask Lola.

34.

Nelly Furtado - Say It Right

Worthy of a 70s whore-ballad from Cher or the poise of Aaliya.

33.

Unklejam - What Am I Fighting For

32.

BWO - Chariots of Fire

31.

Tori Amos - Bouncing off Clouds

30.

Infernal - I Won't Be Crying

I gigantic sample parades stomping glamour whilst triumphantly bringing down an ex a peg or two.

29.

Tracey Thorn - Raise The Roof

28.

Debbie Harry - Two Times Blue

Like a birthday present to her gay grandson, Harry let's her hair and her tights down on her best since any other solo single you are able to remember.

27.

Alphabeat - Fascination

26.

Dana International - At Muhana

Revved up to spit at her critics, this is shows Rihanna's Shut Up & Drive how it should be done.

25.

Gwen Stefani - Early Winter

24.

The Killers - Read My Mind

23.

Dannii Minogue Vs. Jason Nevins - Touch Me Like that

Jason Nevins gives an immobile Dannii a fresh pounding in her quest to sing the ultimate Ibiza anthem; it couldn't have been that great or Danoushka would have actually moved in the video.

22.

Spice Girls - Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)

Tying in with their "narrative" more than anything else, it's just as good as any album track from their third. Subtly layered to reward repeated listends, just a pity it fell on death ears unlike the concert which was monumentally life-changing.

21.

Danny - Play It For The Girls

"Girl" rhymes with "world" - okay, we can let him off this time.

20.

Roxette - Reveal

The teetering Attic remix deserves a higher placing, as does the spellbinding Kleerup edit, which parts ways using strings almost identical to Arcade Fire's Rebellion (Lies).

19.

Victoria Beckham - My Love Is For Real

Vicky B's sunkissed dance-slam finally splat and positively melts like Rebecca Loos in the arms of V's husband David.

18.

Dragonette - I Get Around

Initially I couldn't be bothered listening to another stylised electro outfit, but this gets under the skin being the ultimate soundtrack for doing a walk of shame (well when it's warm enough not to care about losing your jacket the night before).

17.

Siouxsie - Into A Swan

16.

Soundfreaks ft. Andrea Britton - Counting Down The Days

15.

Billie Ray Martin - Undisco Me

Billie's unfinished-sounding Undisco Me is so fabulous you'd need to request a diet avion afterwards.

14.

Pay TV - Work That Body

Mirror gazing on the treadmill has never been more delightful or shameless.

13.

Celine Dion - Taking Chances

Having to wait until Celine finally soars so dramatically she burns off her clit is unsettling to hear her so refrained. Watch the video to see the hilarious lenghts Celine will go to meet someone off the internet for a random shag.

12.

Sugababes - About You Now

11.

Ashamed - Bertine Zetlitz

More sardonic narcissism from Norway's finest.

10.

Robyn - With Every Heartbeat

Usurping otherworldly melancholy. She's doing well to follow this up with a top 10 and 20 hit when everything else is so minimalistic in comparison. Good to have her back so radically strong.

09.

Shakira - Pure Intuition

Sounding like a 2007 update of Soft Cell was a Spanish #1 and ought to have been huge everywhere else if given the chance.

08.

Rihanna ft. Jay-Z - Umbrella

Hearing Glaswegians taunt Rihanna's "ella" repition from their moving cars is a unique anf terrifying experience. In reality Rihanna had simply never heard the word before and was asking for reassurance from her producer.

07.

Freeform Five - No More Conversations (Richard X Remix)

Richard X's plunging remix has fromiddable style like an appalled Marlene Dietrich collaborating with Dead or Alive.

06.

Lucky Twice - Lucky

Double-threat and just-good-friends euro duo rekindle Whigfields hey-day memories.

05.

Vanessa Paradis - Divine Idylle

Unassuming pure 60s pop perfection. A french #1 single.

04.

Dana International - Hakol Ze Letova

The most gorgeous gust of pathos to arrive like a winter chill, Dana's unclear misery seeps through the language barrier, and is a beguiling and mystical opus.

03.

Girls Aloud - Call The Shots

Swirling pathos, like love going down the plug hole, Nicola's stunning middle-8 projects towards the stars and creates their most stunning moment yet. More devastating than realizing someone has blocked you on MSN.

02.

Ultra Nate - Automatic

Sharply executed grime has Ultra on her finest form to date.

01.

Britney Spears - Gimme More
Big B's gloriously murky comeback single shone just enough twinkle from those dead eyes to become easily the most exciting track to hear in a club all year. The wrenched electro ska accompanying the line "we can go down" is so swanky it's a wonder there's not more single mothers taking up drugs. Over to you, Jamie Lynne.