Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Crazy Kiani's Quivering Commitment

Well-meaning dancefloor whore Mary Kiani's vivid ability to think allows her the most economic of emotional functions that is the envy of all registered dance divas of a certain age: her gift is to make up unrestrained personal sufferring, pain and tragedy all in her own inappropriate, lonely imagination in an attempt to revamp her brittle love life. These days Kiani rarely steps out of her high rise let alone get tangled up in real life dramas demmanding a release from social phobia. A brief period of interaction meant the misguided masochist would drive around Glasgow, scrouring for intoxicated civillians to "make up the numbers, ken?" in her short-lived club/livingroom called Slave before Strathclyde police shut it down and shipped her to Australia.

Kiani's keen will for self-infliction is showcased no better than on the unflushable floater I Imagine - a song she dedicated to an unassuming 16 year old Burger King 'employee of the week' who suddenly disappeared after numerous requests from the singer to give the terrified underweight teenage acne sufferer a lift home, until the store manager gasped "he was just a temp you crazy bitch" after Mary held a used tampon to the man's throat, dunking it on a half-finished Chicken Royale as she strutted out with as much pride as a 'pilled' woman with one broken high heel and 5 top 40 hits under her chaffing belt possibly can. Only a stash of straws and sachets of tarter sauce spilling out from under her PVC mini-skirt came close to taking this victory away from her.

The Motiv8 edits rub the necessary lotion into her rash of aggrevated hits that simply flourish with blind 'is she high?' faith. They are some of Roadway's most flattering treatments - her baffling plights given generous care and are elevated into largely forgotten mid-90s anthems of victim pride. 100% is an intense, glistening avalanche of quivering Kiani commitment, sang so exhaustively she must have collapsed in a wheelchair immediately afterwards (the singer is also famous for her numerous insurance claims). The romantic veneer of I Imagine tackles her issues with mental health and is sheer bliss to behold - she couldn't seem happier if she were shoplifting in Frasers like the good old days. Mary Kiani may very well be the "hard-faced bitch" I have read about on various Glaswegian fixtures, but God and the Gays sure love a tryer.


100% (Motiv8 Edit)
When I Call Your Name (Motiv8 Special Club Mix)
I Imagine (Motiv8 Edit)
Let The Music Play (Perfecto Radio Edit)

Note: the copy of I Imagine I have uploaded is an 'in the mix' file from a compilation CD that is slightly extended than what appears on the CD single format.

1 comment:

Miss Halliwell said...

Oh LOL Unflushable floaters and Mary Kiani have never been mentioned in the one paragraph before!

Oh dolly, i laughed so hard!

I love your blog...it's an inspiration to old trannies like me!

Miss H
x