Since getting back from Germany, Diva Incarnate has been flooded with messages from so-called celebritites wishing to let me know how the death of Michael Jackson makes them feel and what it means for their careers. These were the voicemails left, which were in turns angry, pathetic, and profoundly self-centred (one friend remarked it was too bad it didn't happen on stage):Diana Ross:
"I keep praying he'll 'touch me in the morning' like he used to sing to my kids."Heidi Montag:
"He inspires me to be the person I am today!"
"He inspires me to be the person I am today!"Whitney Houston:
"He was a deee vaaa. Deee. Vaaa!"
"He was a deee vaaa. Deee. Vaaa!"Beyonce:
"The incomparable Michael Jackson has made a bigger impact on my thighs than any other artist in the history of music... I love you more than Solange, Michael."
Cher:
I am sorry to report that Cher just started crying as she struggled to sing "If I could turn back time" before hanging up!
Chaz:
"Damn dude, who am I gonna talk about my sex change with?"
Madonna:
"I dedicate the adoption of all black babies in Michael's honor - I have always admired Michael Jackson's original skin colour as a preference for my selection process, choosing lovers, children and disenfranchised back-up dancers alike. My heart goes out to his three children and other members of his family, and will adopt them regardless - you may not be my own baby but it don't matter if you're black or white. God bless!"
Lisa Scott-Lee:
"If my new single about Michael Jackson fails to crack the top 40 UK dance charts I will stop singing forever!"
Samantha Ronson:
"My DJ career is just as relevant now as it was before, I’m sure it will remain so for generations to come.R.I.P.Mr Jackson".
Brooke Shields:
“My eyebrows are overcome with sadness for the devastating loss of my true friend Michael. He was an extraordinary friend and expert brow plucker, artist and contributor to my own plastic surgery. Since Lipstick Jungle got cancelled it has been difficult enough, but now I join his family and his fans in celebrating his incredible life and mourning his untimely passing in order to get my own press.”
Sheena Easton:
"Ever since he wrote ma song about ma Sugar Walls I'll always remember exactly who he was!"
Demi Moore:
"I was more concerned about Farrah Fawcett tbh."
Lindsay Lohan:
"NO OMG LOLZ … sending my freckles and prayers out to Michael and his family … i feel sick.. thank God I haven't eaten since he last had a hit record. He's like the reason I have the figure of a 12 year old boy."
Kirstie Alley:
"Don’t know what to say…so I will just eat another hamburger either way… What a horrible way to find these things out…sorry, must eat and call Oprah!"
Dannii Minogue:
"I was busy soaking up some sun and cum in Ibiza, guzzling away like no one's business when Kylie texted me (If I didn't have it on vibrate I would never have found where I even put my mobile). At first I thought she'd burnt her face off again, but when one of my Gays violently slapped me on the face, I finally sat up and fished it back out to read the most depressing words since I wrote So Under Presure. I am so sad as Michael penned Show You The Way To Go especially for my second album Get Into You - something I cherish even more than my Japanese number 1s and British number 1 dance hits. I have no other option but to capture this pain by re-releasing I Don't Wanna Takes This Pain on the advice of my intelligent and realistic fans from my official messageboard. Buy my music and remember Michael whilst listening to my early classics [here]".
"The incomparable Michael Jackson has made a bigger impact on my thighs than any other artist in the history of music... I love you more than Solange, Michael."Cher:
I am sorry to report that Cher just started crying as she struggled to sing "If I could turn back time" before hanging up!Chaz:
"Damn dude, who am I gonna talk about my sex change with?"
Madonna:
"I dedicate the adoption of all black babies in Michael's honor - I have always admired Michael Jackson's original skin colour as a preference for my selection process, choosing lovers, children and disenfranchised back-up dancers alike. My heart goes out to his three children and other members of his family, and will adopt them regardless - you may not be my own baby but it don't matter if you're black or white. God bless!"Lisa Scott-Lee:
"If my new single about Michael Jackson fails to crack the top 40 UK dance charts I will stop singing forever!"Samantha Ronson:
"My DJ career is just as relevant now as it was before, I’m sure it will remain so for generations to come.R.I.P.Mr Jackson".Brooke Shields:
“My eyebrows are overcome with sadness for the devastating loss of my true friend Michael. He was an extraordinary friend and expert brow plucker, artist and contributor to my own plastic surgery. Since Lipstick Jungle got cancelled it has been difficult enough, but now I join his family and his fans in celebrating his incredible life and mourning his untimely passing in order to get my own press.” Sheena Easton:
"Ever since he wrote ma song about ma Sugar Walls I'll always remember exactly who he was!"Demi Moore:
"I was more concerned about Farrah Fawcett tbh."Lindsay Lohan:
"NO OMG LOLZ … sending my freckles and prayers out to Michael and his family … i feel sick.. thank God I haven't eaten since he last had a hit record. He's like the reason I have the figure of a 12 year old boy."Kirstie Alley:
"Don’t know what to say…so I will just eat another hamburger either way… What a horrible way to find these things out…sorry, must eat and call Oprah!"Dannii Minogue:
"I was busy soaking up some sun and cum in Ibiza, guzzling away like no one's business when Kylie texted me (If I didn't have it on vibrate I would never have found where I even put my mobile). At first I thought she'd burnt her face off again, but when one of my Gays violently slapped me on the face, I finally sat up and fished it back out to read the most depressing words since I wrote So Under Presure. I am so sad as Michael penned Show You The Way To Go especially for my second album Get Into You - something I cherish even more than my Japanese number 1s and British number 1 dance hits. I have no other option but to capture this pain by re-releasing I Don't Wanna Takes This Pain on the advice of my intelligent and realistic fans from my official messageboard. Buy my music and remember Michael whilst listening to my early classics [here]".
2 comments:
God, you are so not funny.
You are such a pathetic loser. Get lost!
Yes, because hiding behind anonymity shows such achievement in one's convictions.
It's not mocking Michael at all (I assume this is the source of your crass hostility) - it was written somewhat crudely to comment on the outpouring of needless gushing from those wanting a slice of the nostalgia for themselves. For example, Samantha Ronson making the newspapers with her twitter updates is ridiculous.
It might not be funny, but you need to get a grip. Your opinion basically is neither here nor there - being funny would only have been a byproduct of what I was trying to say. That's what journalism is actually about: relating information to your audience, and a blog that claims to be 'a near daily dosage of diva discharge' (with connotations of excess and repercussions) was clearly never designed to be high brow.
Now fuck off.
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