It's Time To Get What's Mine

With career prospects no higher than their knickers, the pop life of Vanilla was something of a miracle. Highly qualified with 'beauty therapy' certificates from the 'College of Basildon' under their bingo wings, they scored no less than 2 massive top 36 hit singles between 1997 and 1998. Other than untangling kebabs from their extensions and narrowing the list of potential fathers of their kids down to 5 bus stops, these girls managed to show the Spice Girls and The Supremes how it should be done. Everyone knows about their legendary No Way No Way middle-8 wherein they all pretend to be insulted by a drunk 2nd division footballer coming on to them individually - one strongminded member states this guy has the cheek to think he could buy her with just one drink (these girls take a rain check and cling on to their termination loyalty cards in search of a real man).

Speaking of abortions, on the abandoned recording Realise they all sing whilst chewing gum, which presumably took higher priority than sounding in tune. Faking an orgasm must be more convincing, and their pramface boredom is painful where as the chorus repeats again and again it is hard not to imagine them yawning whilst giving the producer a half-hearted blow job. Xeonomania would certainly have had their work cut out propping up this limp soggy tampon of a track, but Vanilla's slack-jaw charm wins only through sheer dead-eyed persistance.

I would love Vanilla to whore their act once again by touring Britain's gay bars, chafing their way up and down the country, and lip-synching for their lives and to pay for their daughters Bethany, LeTavia, AlwaysUltra, LeToya, Reebok, Beyonce, Trisha, MadonnaMinogue and MingeTout all to follow in their footsteps into showbiz, glamour modelling and freelance web cam modelling.

:-)