Monday, 11 January 2010

Pop TV Special: Dancing On Ice

'Welcome to Dancing On Ice - Holly's breasts are bigger and better than ever'.

This season really does (or did) promise to be the best series yet: Sinnita finally found a gig, Heather Mills still has a leg worth standing on, Daniella's new nose is all ready to brave the white stuff again (as in actual ice), and 2 homosexuals (a twink and a daddy - not to mention Philip and those persistant 'hoodie' rumours) will be convelling over sequins and Spice Girl b-sides on their VTs.

First out the hen coup was soap-tart pixie Daniella who goes on and on about being nervous and worried she'll snort the whole rink before people have time to give her a 6th or 7th chance. Her song is Evacuate The Dancefloor and it is obvious it has been chosen for a capabale and talented beginner - the routine is excellent, and Daniella's nose flares up to sneeze completely clean air of relief. It really was fun.

Sharon Davies' VT sees the pocket-swimmer come across exactly as an ex-Olympic athlete shouldn't on reality TV - her rueful 'I have all the muscle, the discipline, the protein shakes, the clean urine, but WHY do I not have a CLUE how to just have FUN!!??' is cringeworthy. Her face is so tight - classic case of too much chlorine from all her watersports.

Sinitta's subtle brand of fierce is adequately soundtracked by Beyonce's slef-doubt saga Halo, and her routine contains the highest difficulty in content with what is called a 'monkey lift' which is no way to talk about a black woman in 2010, but Sinitta wants her career back and succeeds with glorious lip-syncing as her gigantic Russian dance partner balances her on his irristably huge thighs.

Above: just who shall be hanging up her boots first?

So Sinitta and Shaz Bags are in the bottom two. Sharon pumps herself up to convey the charisma of a po-faced ex-Olympic athlete (again), and poor Sinitta does a monkey see monkey don't and almost cries and loses the vote off with only an absolutely livid Emma Bunton sticking up for her, who also fumes that the Toy Boy singer was '158.5 % better than that fucking wooden tranny bitch' before running to join Geri for some bin-raking to enjoy her new size 10 body for the whole week it's going to last.

'Join us next week for Holly's most competitive cleavage ever!'

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