Cruel Dannii Taunts Kylie's Flop Tour

In news that won't shock anyone with a discerning ear for a good pop song that isn't sung by a 40 year old impersonating a child prostitute, Kylie Minogue's Aphrodite tour isn't exactly bringing the house down. With more red patches than Michelle McManus in a bathing costume, we can see the rows of empty seats at a recent date attended by none other than the UK's favourite party jammer Dannii Minogue. We all know that BraveKylie has battled a series of flops: her X album, her Aphrodite album; her ridiculous right eyebrow; her empty womb - and now her new tour. Not one to kick a flop disco cougar when she's down under, Dannii has sent out an emergency tweet to all her fans, begging the world to put finding a cure for AIDS on hold (La Toya Jackson will be raging when she finds out!) in order to support her much older sister try and convince the world that she's still got it (crabs that is). Kylie's concerts have got so desperate in their attempts to seduce the gays with naked gay dancers that her next tour is expected to be a live gay sex show with her singing her anti-rape jams Never Too Late To Change Your Mind and Got To Be Certain. Outside in the carpark.

Here It Is: Roxette - Speak To Me (Bassflow Edit)

The Bassflow radio edit of Speak To Me is very special. Already a standout from the Roxette reunion album Charm School (review found here), I felt overall that the album sounded rushed in terms of production. Speak To Me is an uplifting ballad that plays on the band's strength: haunting verses from Per and Marie's unmistakably thorny groans that sound more expressive than ever. This new remix gives it an extra sheen that really sparkles, creating something most acts 25 years down the line almost never achieve - a career defining moment. Just, wow! Well done Roxette.

What's Britney been up to?

Ivy - In The Clear (2005)

This album has a lot going for it, but two songs in particular have struck me. Oozing out like fresh air, Ocean City Girl is one of those gentle tracks that simply float into your consciousness and leave a remarkable impression. Expressive and refined vocals take flight using fuzzy guitars, rippling piano keys and a gorgeous aura of airyness. Thinking About You is a more emphatic challenge for album highlight: strummy summer-pop par excellence, it almost has a cool, insoucient air of Saint Etienne meets Coffee/TV Blur meets jangly Supergrass undercurrent, such is its brisk and crisp harmonies colliding orgasmically with backing vocals that hit you like rays of sunlight. James Iha, former guitarist of the Smashing Pumpkins, features on guitar here as well (it might be strange to mention how similar Dominique Durand's gently soothing voice is to D'arcy Wretky's). The rest won't let you down either: the album keeps its flow going throughout.

Choice lyric -'I know that I have someone, but I can't remember who'.

Rating:
8/10

Follow Me On Twitter

Diva Incarnate is going bitesize! Whilst I won't be posting much on here for the next two months, Twitter has proved much harder to resist and you can catch my mostly music-orientated thoughs there, here.

@guilera @nd Spe@rs @re @ it on twitter

Ever since evergreen beauty Madonna reached out and asked "Hey Britney, you say you wanna become a shadow of your former vacant self, look like a drugged-out hooker doing a walk of shame and bare your soul?" and giggled something about coming over here to show off her gym-ripped vagina, well Christina has been patiently waiting to pluck her pubes and pluck up the courage to make a similar statement that would send shockwaves around Mansion Aguilera if not the world. Literally days ago now, @TheRealXtina blurted out on twitter:

Hey @BritneySpears Congrats on Femme Fatale release! Can't wait to see what you bring in the next video. xo - Xtina

Word is Christina had to make 5 attempts typing her message, but Diva Incarnate has found the original message deemed too 'raw and organic' for twitter. Found on a used sanitary towel in Nicole Richie's trashcan, Aguilera's first attempt at reaching out to the dead-eyed How I Roll singer was less kind than the eventual passive-aggression she settled on:

Hey @BritneySpears - just fell off my thrown Lol-ing at ur attempts to not look like a gangraped tranny in headlights on GMA. Congrats! xo - Xtina

Not one to just sit there drooling onto her bib, at least not too long, Britney was soon spoonfed some calpul and groaned once to give the okay for her people to form a sentence and pretend it was written by the sometimes singer (who also had a song called Sometimes). Only a matter of 60 minutes later Aguilera finally got the global acclaim she had been after and got a responce:

Thanks @TheRealXtina. Can't wait to watch you on your new show. Hope we get to hear that voice on The Voice. -Brit

Kind of cruel to knock a flop singer, flop actress, flop mother, flop lesbian, flop wife and flop tweeter when she's down, but Diva Incarnate also learned of what Britney originally wanted to respond with. This time the words were written using red and yellow crayons, on the back of a prescription thrown out the window of her car as the singer was driven to KFC:

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!

The message was found by an unknown Lohan doing community service, but no alarms were raised as Tom Cruise has repeatedly told police that Katie Holmes pulls the same "prank" 2 or 3 times a week and is a "new game" that slightly out of it-looking LA celebrities like to play in order to stay down to earth and regular.

Cheryl Cole hooks up with RedOne?

As we know, limp and lifeless Cheryl Cole is used to hooking black women in toilets, but now internet rumours are suggesting that the nation's favourite racist is hooking up with Swedish producer Red One. I can just imagine it now:

Red One !!!

Bring me that b**** bitch here now...

... er Cheryl Cole !!

No thanks. Just stick to looking older everytime you get papped whilst deliberately looking sad so that more headlines can flood the tabloids: "devasted Cherly gets texts from Ashely.... sad Cheryl betrayed by the KKK who deem her 'too extreme' ... Horrible bitch Nadine tells Cheryl she doesn't like racists", etc.

Dana International is BACK on the Eurovision stage!

Yes, that is right, a tranny is singing a song called Ding Dong. You couldn't make it up. Sadly it's not a patch on some of her work from her last album Hakol Ze Letova, released back in 2007, and she'll need to think of a better strategy than look-at-my-dress-for-3-minutes if she wants to finish in the top three quarters of the scoreboard. I'll still be voting for her, but I would have expected better given her well-remembered triumph in 1998. Perhaps I am sounding harsh: it does at least grow on you, and the gal did write it all by herself.

This is my current favourite song from her last album:

Quiché... Blackroom

Lorraine is dead, long live Blackroom. Before Scotland's economy collapses, I must point out that the Lorraine Kelly is fine and has never felt better in fact, on a side note, having decided to use flora as a way to lower her colesterol levels ("I put it on my toast, scons, haggis and porrige and I feel dead brilliant" she barked uncontrollably until Penny Smith stepped in and slapped her with a trout). Sorry for the UK-ccentric references: I'll get to my point - Blackroom have sent me (okay and everyone else on their mailing list) a free download of a nice 'wee' song called Angel.

Download.

Britney Spears - Femme Fatale (2011)

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Freak Asylum - New Single On The Way

Looking like a cross between Confessions of A Dancefloor era Madonna, Big Brother's legendary Ashlene and a fashion-forward bouncer at a swingers club, Kelly Llorenna looks sensational, from head to crotch (the clothes don't go down any further and her legs look good enough for Mattele to sue for copyright), in these brand new Freak Asylum posters. I could not be more excited to finally hear the long-awaited debut single from these guys, officially confirmed as You Better Leave. Something tells me this isn't a polite ballad affair. Kelly's voice is expected, as ever, to be on fine form and I am intrigued to hear this new sound. Will it still be dance? Will it be slick and glossy?

Just another day at the office.

New Gina News Coming Soon!

Excitement, much! Fresh! new! music on the way!

Berger Bests 2011 So Far

Like an electro Bootylicious, Berger is back in business with what turns out to be a slice of Robyn-esque perfection, but can you handle this? Melancholy that doesn't demand emotional investment (but can if you wish), it can be experienced on many levels - for me I opt for the level known as "on my laptop sipping coffee trying not to miss my mouth", but I imagine some people might be moved enough to dance or even might misinterpret the sadness and actually just top themselves (I don't think they can handle this). Just beautiful - my ears are drooling for more. If saying it would be the 4th best song off her last album is the worst that can be said about it, that's no bad thing (personally it's up there with her robot porn from before). I'm in love with it. There is a misty taste of reggae - get The Knife on it at once. I could imagine Diana Vickers knocking something like this out for her next album.

Roxette - Charm School (2011)

If I ever wondered what a solo Per Gessle solo album sounded like, then Roxette's long-awaited new studio album Charm School gives me a 70/30 idea. Marie's youthful spunk that ejaculated everywhere on Hotblooded is more vericose veins these days, and one can't blame these pop-rock legends for simply acting their age. Worth the effort, these songs evoke soft nostalgia with the odd throbbing electro impulse just to prove that their hearts are still in it.

Rootsy opener Way Out isn't exactly 'rad' or up their with the car-crash charisma of Crush On You (from 1999's popcentric masterpeice Have A Nice Day), but is no less spirited. As per usual here on this record, Per is the main driver, but Marie spikes the chorus with delicious distaste - she's possibly thinking 'and just where do I feature here?'.

Catching a glimpse of honesty and plaintively stoic elegance, Marie's statuesque ballad comes up next. No One Makes It On Her Own is poignant and restraint, but emotionally crippling. Strings are metaphorical crutches for a narrator who has lost her footing and at something of a loose end. I'm in love with the way Marie laments "causing quite the commotion" with experience and distance. Suffered fools and the consequences glady, it must have been love or something. Those aching backing vocals, like those swooping doo-wopping 'whhooooooaaaahhh' ones from Soul Deep slowed down, are unmistakably Rox.

If I were being kind I would rave about its swanky Girls On Film riff, but She's Got Nothing On (But The Radio) is lacking too much Marie to recommend itself as their comeback single. The chorus has potential - the synth sounds drip like sweat beeds and its exhilirating final lap sounds wonderful once all the final layers are wrapped around Per's lead vocal. Roxette daring to sound under-produced? Things will never be the same again... It's already gone top 20 in my favourite country Germany, so I'm happy for them. Marie sings her judicious middle-8 like she's swallowing thistles and it's moments like these that makes a Roxette fan feel very content and not able to ask for more. A bluesy-80s cocktail that could do with a bit more rocket-fuel to just add that fizz missing in the first two thirds.

The lush emotionalism of Speak To Me is a haunting reminder of Roxette's bristling and seductive chemistry (you can guess whom brings what element). Per's morbid verses are concerned with "bitterness", "gracefullness" and "faithlessness" (etc), shadowed by chugging rock sounds and Marie's signiture moans, and that feminine treacle of hers is a neverending supply on the power-ballad chorus. This should be their chart-hitting UK comeback single - it's just great.

Marie's physical gifts have never tempter her to overdramatize and even calling a song Glad You Called is as unpretentious as it gets, addressing a nervous relationship problem (I'm guessing something a bit more high brow than chlamydia), sounding like one of those 'zany' Tourism acoustic numbers recorded in a telephone box. Far from boring, Marie's singing a diary entry if not the phonebook.

Only When I Dream sounds like one of those 'go to sleep' Crash! Boom! Bang! tracks crammed in right at the end. Marie joins in on the affliction during, you got it, the chorus. And not one to 'bore us' remember, Per overcomes his writer's block with Dream On - where does he come up with such a varied subject matter? Strummy yumminess, like a forgotten and brilliant Brit-Pop b-side.

The album's sole electricized 'stomper', Big Black Cadillac, is another Per-geared drive-thru of hooks flying left, right and centre. And thank God. Marie chips in Real Sugar style, and this could be a single. Choice lyric 'I know he missed my touch, I didn't miss him much' has real buying power from Fredriksson. This track is certainly the boldest stroke here. Single #3 if they drive the album that far.

Marie Fredriksson is a woman, people. Her very female version of Everybody Hurts is called In My Own Way. She's no fool, but "now I'm a woman" is just naff and endearingly so. Before Cher threatens to sue, After All is actually one of Per's perpetual hardons for wanting to be in the Beatles. He's done this better (June Afternoon), and this is fine and everything (chirpy even) but it's not what I want dominating Roxette's comeback splash. Strong, dignifiedB and earthy, Happy On The Outside doesn't hurt at all - poised production and fussy emotions reach elegant heights, with a gorgeous piano refrain.

Making grand demands sound low-key, gorgeous closer Sitting On Top of The World tinkles and wallows in a heavenly aroma of Marie's expressive vocals that make you well up, and production that is soft-focus, off-hand, serene and synthy. And I love it!

The songs mostly don't provoke Marie's signiture vocal attitude (at least for any sustained length beyond cut-throat middle-8s or chorus cackles in between a lead from Per), but standouts On Her Own, the gristly Speak To Me and Sitting build to high emotional climaxes. They cheer the fuck up on Big Black Cadillac and those greasey fucked-up chords on the slightly uncomfortably sleazey She's Got Nothing On. The floppy acoustic songs mostly sung by Per, which dominate this album, are not so much impressive as they are stellar. I prefer the pent-up punchiness of "gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta crush on you, uh hu" but will take my country-tinged Way Out and less-immediate fuel of Limosine where I can get them. The production that once knocked me out and made me see stars (the hi-NRG belter Stars, the Chic-meets-Duran Duran explosion of The Look, and the swooshy bittersweet aspirations of One Wish) has dissolved into grainier riffs, unhurried grooves and subtle remembrances. That's not to say that Roxette don't go for it - there is not one single dud, but my youthful cravings for the illusions of the remarkably wearable Dressed For Success, ice-cold foamy power-ballad fizz of I Could Never Give You Up and fresh-faced romance of Paint (we were promised a return to the sound of Look Sharp! remember) are put aside to enjoy softer sensations and the occaision fuzzy glow of 80s rock. The live CD is pretty essential - Marie begins to relax and sweetly marvels "oh my God". From it, Silver Blue steals the show.

Rating:
8/10

Lady Gaga - Born This Way is OUT and proud

She's all about being 'out' (of ideas, etc), and so her brand new track is now just that too - it's out okay? If you have a 'problem' with her new single 'coming out' then you either have ears, taste or a repressed sexual appetite for male ass (and if you are a girl make that candles, period dramas and tuna fish). A strident, bouncey little disco track along the lines of Express Yourself via Kylie's Light Years, the rapid-fire beats from the Utah Saint's Something Good and Geri Halliwell's Bag It Up. A loooong way off deserving any hype (it's endearingly naff and almost manages to be unpretentious), I think I'll be able to enjoy this track but if the hysteria builds as much as it did on Bad Romance then I'll ditch this bitch faster than Lindsay Lohan cleaning up a line of coke. I'm surprised it's so frivolous... but it's still as (lyrically) self-concious as ever (which makes me thinks she's one of those "additional lyrics" co-writers!).

Billie Ray Martin - Sweet Suburban Disco

Gutter-glam electro madamme Billie Ray Martin's seething sensations continue to beguile as the German techno-Dusty/Dietrich dance diva and balladeer extraordinare treated and tweeted her faithful fans to a free download. Previewing a hefty remix package due on the 28th next month, the murky shades of Oriental mistique meets no Berlin disco sauna dark room in particular of Sweet Suburban Disco is a faster Bright Lights Fading - if it got anymore sleazy the artwork would need to feature a sling. Ever the play-it-safe lyricist, "she counts her blisters like every party she's ever missed" could be complexion-perfection or sinister botched surgery with the visible staples to match. Grimacing with narcacistic stoicism, "the pain still lingers on" is something of an addiction as dwelling on such neon-lightedness is nothing she hasn't done before. I just hope she challenges herself a bit more, but this is dependably Billie. Co-produced by Mike Vamp of Berlin-based electronic dance whores Märtini Brös, Vince Clarke of Erasure is on remix duty alongside Severino, Luke Solomon and Ray Grant. 2011 is set to be a very active year for the singer who has not released a studio album since 2001's outstanding Eighteen Carat Garbage: her long-awaited solo album is set for release at some point, her long-awaited Opiates album is set for release whenever it happens, and a collaboration with Hard Ton will probably see the light of day whenever that happens as well. Billie will also tour with Lady Gaga in 2020 if she can "find a minute to even think."

Download.

Roxette - She's Got Nothing On (But The Radio(

Roxette - She got nothing on (but the radio) from Mats Udd on Vimeo.

Not much to say ... it's not amazing is it? Recycling the same kind of sleazy riff as Girls On Film, this just isn't much of a Roxette track - in fact Marie hardly opens her gob until the subdued middle-8. Her vocal on the wooshy and wistful One Wish was awesome so we know she can do it, but I think the days of the chaffing-leather heat of Hotblooded have been bled dry. We shall see come the release of Charm School - as disappointed as I am by the first single, my excitement for the album has not diminished.

Linda Sundblad - I'm A Star

Wetting our appetities before launching her iminent Melodifestivalen campaign, Linda Sundblad has a goofey new pop song I'm A Star available for free on her website - go download it here. It's been cheering me up for the past two days, sounding like a rainbow of pop influences including Britney, Rihanna and Will.i.am (but actually in a good way). Don't say you weren't warned.

Cheryl Slams Gamu

Above: Cheryl still hasn't seen the back of Gamu.

After being shunned by the UK's fastest-selling racist Cheryl Cole, X-Factor's Simon-seeker Gamu has somehow managed to stun the world by having newspapers print false rumours that she has been signed by 50 Cent's music label. After You're My Sunshine being so edgy and all, is Ring A Ring 'O Roses on the cards to next year's auditions? I'm guessing as much as Cheryl probably already calls her the black plague as it is. I hope Gamu does make a triumphant return on this year's contest as it will mean another 'toughest, limpest and lifeless-est year of me lyfe' again for the nations racist sweetheart Cole.

Get Ur Freak On

It's on kids, Freak Asylum have showcased some new pics from their new video. Happy 2011 K-Lo fans!

It's official, fan-of-the-tan Kelly Llorenna is into swinging. In fact, she says she's mad for it.