Corks! Tie Me Billabong Down, 'Sport'! It's The Return of Dannii

Above: double-D do-gooder Dannii puts the British public's needs before her own religion by bravely quiting botox until studio lights go and ruin everything she wanted.

Apart from web-camming with a hot Spanish top it has been a quiet week for Diva Incarnate so apologies for the excruciatingly tense 4 day absense of new posts. I am going to squeeze the sleaze all out with one big flush: and pricking my g-spot this week are Therese, Lisa Scott-Lee's stoic resistance to rejection, Michelle 'Hagface' Heaton coming under fire yet again and Olympic forehead-mover Dannii Minogue returns to British television after an unbearable 8 month absence.

I have tried to keep tabs on Swedish dance chanteuse Therese ever since her brand of sticky PVC-chaffing basslines aggravated my musical complexion into a full-on visceral rash of morbid lust and thirst for sexual validation, but it has been tough. Feelin' Me's stuttering throb pounds remarkably sore like a BBD giving you much more than you can take whilst sober yet makes you beg for more simultaneously. Such innuendo is unecesarry when her questioning just wants answers.

Below: during the video for Feelin' Me, asking 'are you feeling me' might be a bit ambiguous were it not for the prudish use of bondage.

Her sultry collocation of needle-jabbing vocals, meaningless lyrics, and claustrophobic and scrappy rapidity forms a rejuvinating sensation of tingling elation similar to Sheena Easton's pugnacious delivery on U Got The Look. Her impulsive regime of smouldering compositions gives her the kind of magnetic charisma self-harmers Robyn and Agnes would kill for. Her notable vocal bullimia simply is not an issue when her sugar-crisp bee-stung voice rips into such fleshy material as her new single Neon Lights. This thrusting anthem has been ready for ages, a classic case of Sophie Ellis Bextor where the artist is relegated to second billing just to get the bloody thing released (the song is credited to Elektro Junkies featuring Therese).

However, it is the hooker-for-hire promotional clip that is the real faux pas. Her over-painted lips stick out like Britney's swollen vagina-flaps and her eye-shadow is very X-era Kylie or else like whisper-siren Annie's latest promotional shots (message to Annie: get over yourself, you ain't no senorita, girlfriend). The pulsating jam violently regurgitates the writhing ecstatic ejaculation of Feelin' Me's slithering formula of juxtoposing discomforting rhythms with cooingly emphatic vocals making sense of it all. Her unapolegetic conviction and creative cosmetics make her one of music's most reliable if sporadic achievers.

Above: with heavy make-up and protruding lips one might expect to see a baby calf delivered from, Therese says she is a new man.

It was a long Sunday afternoon at work selling moisturiser to poor people, and I was on my lunch break. How else can I explain avidly reading a rare and longed-for interview with one of pop's most sturdy cockroaches? I had seen the pictures, but not until today had I managed to read Lisa Scott-Lee's brand new and totally exclusive interview with Closer magazine (no news yet on Dannii reprising her column with them).

Below: marking her first trashy magazine cover in years, Scott-Lee shamelessly steals Posh's thunder by not being skinny and not being a guest judge on the most watched TV programme in the world.

She has a baby inside her, we all understand how it works, but she opens up in other ways about her party girl former sister in-law Michelle 'STD Junkie' Heaton: 'I had lots of run-ins with michelle' laughs Scott-Lee as she scoffed the last of Heaton's hair extensions still left in her bathroom, before chirpily telling readers she plans to lose her baby weight by doing no more than 20 sit-ups a day unless her busy schedule of keeping it together gets in the way, nevermind record any new material for her myspace friends.

In a world full of people, we can lose sight of the fact that Dannii Minogue wants to have a career. Not just any career, she wants to move her forehead like she were a hot overweight goth adolescant desperate for a Logie award all over again. The 2009 format for the X-Factor has been adapted in order to revolve completely around Dannii's voracious demands for a live audience to scream 'bitch' at her like they mean it this time, and the audition episodes are now a mixture of footage from each venue as opposed to a separate city per show as the series draws closer to 'boot camp' and the studio performances.


This is Dannii's wet dream: every 5 minutes she has a new hairstyle, different ensemble and even finds the will power to express her forehead whilst not slapping Cheryl's. As usual Dannii simply can't keep her mouth shut to the press, squeeling like a gay Will Young about how her botox days are in the past, but this was the case last year where a noticeably obese size 8 Danielle quickly trimmed up for the live shows in order to give 'Madame Tussauds tranny' Cheryl a run for her money.

But Dannii does it better, ageing slowly like a scoop of ice-cream melting horrifically under TV lights, she simply ups her game for the studio recordings. Already we have seen a daring Betty Boo style bob (mistakenly compared to Natalie Impruglia and Kim Ryder), lesbian power suits and a love serum set hair flick Cameron Diaz would dissaprove of, all the while doing just enough with her room-temperature brow to make it all seem real and organic. Mark my words, her botox masacre is just a live show chart-position jibe away from hardening her career troubles out of existence once again.

Strewth! - thanks for reading.