Dannii's X-tra Helping of Forehead

Saturday's X-Factor was more of the same as last week, only without the squeeling excitement of Dannii debuting more looks than she's had hit singles, Dannii's forehead thawing to room temperature, Dannii gasping 'yes' at anyone with a cock, and well you get an idea as to why I can stand to watch this conveyor belt of vainglorious misfortune-boasting. The oinking contestants use their families death count like league tables - we all know this, but when a fatherless kid is chased onto the stage with a chainsaw in order to cling onto his uncle who is alive and not letting us forget about it, then I think it is time for things to stop. Are producers secretly crashing funerals and asking 'well can anyone sing at least?'

Above: as the show heats up, so does Dannii's dartboard forehead - she literally beams with pride these days.

The biggest problem of this series has been the butchered editing - Simon reaching 'the end of his patience' has already been narrated last week in typically hyperbollic style, so how are they going to edit surprise talent at the end of more episodes if footage from all auditions are mixed together like a public school? Unlike Britain's Got Talent, diversity is a good thing, but serving vomit as ice-cream doesn't taste as good as it did first time around. And where are my bullimics at? It's all dead relatives when clearly the post-size zero 21st century contestants ought to be throwing up a curry live on stage instead. Dannii could crawl up and then go 'nah, I don't eat meat mate, has anyone got a big fish?'

Below: where my bullimics at?

And whilst Dannoushka uses any excuse to scrunch her newly set free forehead, I cannot wait until she flies her group to Iboiza where she is helped by Kylie to choose her final three fuck buddies: tears will flood as she grips onto her elder sibling, accidentally drawing blood.