Big Tears and Make Up

Above: Dannii feels the pressure of the nation's insatiable craving for a new facial expression from her.

Before dinner-plate face Dannii Minogue gets off her sling to tracklist a forthcoming 2012 rarities album, the woman has people to judge and 2 more facial expressions to fit in until botoxing for Boot Camp and proper studio lighting.

Above: with such a busy schedule, Dannii still finds time to cram yet more in.

Getting rid of the dregs is tougher than manipulative editing would suggest. Apparantly the standard of skanks, hairdressers, widdowers, gay acne suffers and coffee shop workers is higher than EVER! They just scream 'qualified' as they attempt to emotionally rape us with their hard-done-by stories of limb loss, irregular face symmetry, lack of singing opportunities for those who have previously done nothing to become a singer, and your standard 'I know my Mum would be proud if she could see me cry in front of strangerse right now'. Frankly I am jealous, but at least know what the new Topman collection looks like.

Above or Behind: as the competition heats up, eager Dannii takes it all in her stride.

As the Black Eyed Peas underrated I Gotta Feeling plays, Simon groans like a cow giving birth that 'I've got a feeling we may have themosttalentedgroupofpeopleeverthisyear'. As a viewer, I am completely gripped and deliberately wet myself just to prove it.

Above: Louis' famous kiss and make up storyline with Dannii remains the shows most convincing sob story to date.

Dannii orders her sex slaves to separate their legs and themselves into her 3 favourite sexual categories: female, male and group. The shit-grinning imbeciles choose their groups of 3 and sing for a chance to sleep with Minogue or get punched by Cole if they are black, mixed race or just back from their holidays. We get more VT's, Simon eyerolls, Dannii forehead furrows, Cheryl cheek-sucks blankly and Louis butt-clenches to supress his famous lean-over semi.

Overall, tonight's show was shit and so shall be tomorrow's second part, which promises to finally wittle the warblers down to the final 300 or whatever. These tedious pre-botox pre-Bootcamp episodes have been more boring than a cancer victim asking you to donate money as if it's a personal obligation to throw a wig and draw eyebrows on them - some people just don't know when to call it quits!

Bring on next week!