Friday, 11 September 2009

Tila Tequila Ain't Got No Shame

Above: with a name like Tequila everyone really does get a shot!

When I am watching E! News Live and some skank called Tila Tequila is filing a lawsuit against an NFL player and then Ryan 'SecretGay' Seacrest mentions she has a singing career, no further persuasion is required. But between Playboy, being 'Asian Cyber Girl of the Month', fake sex tape scandals, and presenting a bissexual reality TV dating show called A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, she finally did some work by releasing her Avril Lavigne-esque debut E.P titled Sex in 2007 and has not stood upright ever since (only the ploughing Lipstick Flavoured Cherries is worth a shot).

Her snarling debut single is innocently called I Love U, but its main hook is the classic oral sex instruction 'you betta do it right or I'll fuck you up!' The song slides out the speakers like excess KY with a sensual monologue dribbling 'I just wanna let you know that I never felt ths way about anybody else ... but if you ever hurt me I'll fuckin' kill you!' Seemingly her patience snaps easier than her fake nails.

Below: between black guys and white guys, Tequila loves nothing more than writing it all down whilst getting wasted by the pool - Dannii Minogue finally has a serious rival.
A chorus of skanks start chanting the monstrous chorus like a female prison orgy without any batteries. The producer boning her starts rapping, but no one is listening, there is only one star on this track. The panting middle-8 is the only gaping moment she cools down but the grimacing tempo grind has more buzz than the contents of her top drawer and leaves a nasty, disorientating aftertaste.

Below: single number 2 switches it up by packing some bissexual heat.

The skankilicious Stripper Friends makes Lady Gaga seem like Mandy Moore. Basically moaning on top of a backing track, not even Jenny Frost or the hypothetical solo career of Michelle Heaton could compete with this trash. It is a cover of the 2002 Aimee Allen track.

Below: NFL skank-strangler Shawne Merriman holds up a preview.

Coming from a girl who dates lots of black guys, when she calls her next single Paralyze it is fair to assume she knows what she is swearing about. Showcasing the development of a great new talent, single number 3 is a ballad up there with Frankie or a PCD b-side, and she handles each new single like a new thing she might handle one after the other.

Above: Tequila's softer side certainly isn't from the front.

Tequila shows off her double-shots in the spohisticated shower-filmed video. If losing the ability to walk is the trade off for being a self-confessed chocoholic this girl knows how to soundtrack it perfectly - obviously if you are left on the floor unable to walk, with only an icepack for comfort, you are going to feel pretty shitty and write a song about it too.

Until her next album drops, featuring on Hit Rod's I Like To Fuck says it best:

I like to fuck sexy boys sexy girls
I like to fuck leather pants cherry curls
I like to fuck suck cock until I hearl
I like to fuck everybody in the world

Shot of tequila get em real hot
I blow the douche ride the hot rock
Squirt like a
Amase amasa mamatusa
Suckin on my titties so milky
I get dirty with it
I’m so filthy
Do it like you would to make a baby go milthy
If it ain’t yours you can still come and drill me right?

I Love You: download
I Like To Fuck: download

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