Monday, 14 September 2009

Mommie Dearest

Madonna really pulled it together for last night's MTV Video Music Awards - her face that is. Like a shining light bulb or scoop of ice cream, her very-Evita appearance drew a remarkable resemblence to Faye Dunaway. I think a re-make of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane is overdue, with Madge cast as crippled Crawford and Cyndi Lauper can do Bette - it is the only chance she has left at another box office triumph.

The show does not air in the UK for another hour so an update shall follow later tonight.


Madonna gave a stunning opening dialogue, it was a real one woman show, and hit a home run. I don't think she has came across as warm in years - her trademark glitches (the fly-caught-in-her-eye blinking, etc) did not stop her connecting to actual human beings since she last yelled 'not the one with leprosy' at the Malowi orphanage.

Below: Madonna has officially admitted to having a skull transplant with a tea pot - the announcement follows months of rumours after she started pouring out hot Enlish tea whenever she sid-bopped to Dannii Minogue's classic pedophile anthem Baby Love, which she rejected especially to give Kylie's sister a fighting chance of having a career in television.
Taylor Swift wins unanimous sympathy when Kanye West surprises no one by acting like a cunt: he graciously interrupts her speech but makes it clear he thinks Beyonce should have won best video for her physical web-cam shot promotional clip for Single Ladies. Beyonce grimaces and an out-of-shot Solange is busy on her mobile chatting to the Freemasons. Swift had just made the point about country artists rarely enjoying the spotlight on the VMA stage - something that obviously went over the head of West who claims he does not have his jaw in a twist about everything, that his jaw just happens to be twisted naturally.

Shakira steps out with a man-boy who has thighs he wants us to see by doing ridiculous leg poses we all do when we're wearing shorts. Their interaction makes me think I am watching Eurovision scores.

Below: not even hair extensions got in Janet's teeth-gnawing way, wearing an outfit preventing the still-alive Jackson from breathing for a whole 3 minutes (not breathing makes her feel closer to Michael apparantly, something La Toya has been vocal about on her blog in her dissaproval as she prefers to keep his memory alive by having more and more nose surgery).
Janet Jackson lip-syncs for her life and creates one of those most astonishing performances ever telivised - the mise-en-scene of Janet mirroring her brother's moves on screen behind her is my highlight so far. Her look of determination is warrior-like and puts most of today's roster to shame.

This post refers to a partly-viewed airing and shall be completed upon further viewing.


Swift tackles her critics by performing her award-winning wacky brand of purity ring pop, but this is kids stuff.

goes in for the slaughter with yet another jawdropping load of try-hard. She pretends to bleed for us, but sadly the only thing being murdered here is her Gwen Stefani tribute Paparazzii. She finishes off by spinning on a meat hook.

Below: Gaga suffers for her art by allowing herself to be slaughtered and made into burgers - she likes it rough.
Team player Nelly Furtado pops out to present the prestigous Larry Rudolph best female award, but my recording cuts and I need to record a repeat. Britney gets booed for not being there. Cyndi Lauper pops up in a pre-recorded skit synching to Time After Time. Pink flies, but Gaga's dangling beat her to it and Marie Fredriksson would like some credit. And we are done.

Diva Incarnate will continue to break news as it happens, or when Diva Incarnate can find the time to find out the news by watching it on TV.

No comments: