Wednesday, 30 September 2009

The Nolans Are Back & Bigger Than Ever!

Chaffing their way on stage like tortured Indian circus elephants, these old pros flap their bingo wings like it were disco night at their local Weight Watchers. Their flatulent vocals squirm like trapped wind curdling inside their well-deserved fups, whilst out-of-breath and state of the art production finally gives songs like I Will Survive and It's Raining Men definitive versions.

Yes, those cheeky wannabe-MILFS The Nolans are back with new hormonal album I'm In The Mood Again set to bring ASDA checkouts to a standstill not seen since there was a 2-for-1 offer on Shane Richies 2nd autobiography.

These disco hot flushers mask the pain of family feuding which has so far threatened to kill Coleen's husband Ray, with ousted Anne trembling to the press that she was excluded from the comeback, issuing an official statement on her website that 'they are not my sisters anymore'.

Above: I love how out of breath Coleen gets singing live, with Glenn from Pop! as back-up dancer.

Denise, who was also not asked back, supports Anne by suggesting these desperate trolls are doing it to aid financial woes, but when these re-appearing 4 are the most successful of the lot it is hard not to agree that television roles and Kerry Katona associations are not enough to pay the bills.

They might not have had a hit since 1982, but manage to catch up straight away with such contemporary hits as Chain Reaction and the hilarious image-shattering Don't Feel Like Dancing. What are they like?

01. I Will Survive
02. Holding Out for a Hero
03. It's Raining Men
04. Chain Reaction
05. Don't Feel Like Dancing
06. Mercy
07. Valerie
08. So What
09. The Promise
10. Eternal Flame
11. Giving Up Giving In
12. I'm in the Mood for Dancing
13. Attention to Me
14. Gotta Pull Myself Together
15. We've got the Chemistry Right
16. Crashing Down

As they caugh their way through the classics, they have been high-flapping their wings through gruelling 'dance' sessions, which have put sisters Coleen, Bernie, Linda and Maureen all through their paces and now have bodies women double their ages would kill themselves over!

The Nolan Sisters
Above: 'I feel like Im size 12 again' oinks 50 year old Bernie. 'I feel great!'

Maureen confesses to practising her steps everywhere including her shifts at Tesco Express: 'I was doing that thing like in the Full Monty where I was going through our dance routine in the queue. People were looking at me but I didnt care a bit Im on Cloud nine right now', she lies as if we think it's funny and believe her.

'We're the first over 40s girl group to be given the chance of a comeback by the music industry which is fantastic' yawns one of them as I flick through Anne's autobiography Anne's Song.

'Does any part of our bodies look like Madonna?' asks Linda. 'The only bulging veins I have are varicose ones!' We know Linda, we know.

Im In The Mood Again is out September 28th. To buy a copy of the album, click here.

For ticket info go to


Anonymous said...

The only reason I read this was to see what rubbish all this was. The Nolans did their comeback tour for their fans, and for eachother. This tour gave Linda a reason to wake up in a morning. The poor woman has been to hell and back in the last few years, and you just rip them all to shreds. Hope you're proud of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Well all i can say eally is that your completely and utterly wrong how couls you be so pigheaded to say those things about them! they are absolutly amazing! how on earth are they out of breath?....or fat? ot anything like that! you obviously havent tried getting on stage singing like 5 songs without stopping then do more ofc there gonna need a drink! little fagot! obv do not have any good taste in music! cos THE NOLANS are as good as it will ever get ....get that into ur thick skull

Anonymous said...

My friend gave me the link to this blog and i have to say that i am very appaled The nolans came back for there fans and Linda also! shes been through very much these past few years or did u not know that? and then you have the nerve to fucking shatter them like that?

I Hope your very very proud of yourself


Diva Incarnate said...

Coleen, is that you?

You're missing the point - I bought that album and like it, you're so narrowminded yourself it's not even funny.

The 'fagot' (sic) comment was a nice touch - who the fuck do you think is their core fanbase actually buying the music.

Also, pretending to be 3 different idiots is even more pathetic - I have a tracker plus all comments appear minutes after the last.

Thanks for getting het up - very educational.