The Nolans Are Back & Bigger Than Ever!

Chaffing their way on stage like tortured Indian circus elephants, these old pros flap their bingo wings like it were disco night at their local Weight Watchers. Their flatulent vocals squirm like trapped wind curdling inside their well-deserved fups, whilst out-of-breath and state of the art production finally gives songs like I Will Survive and It's Raining Men definitive versions.

Yes, those cheeky wannabe-MILFS The Nolans are back with new hormonal album I'm In The Mood Again set to bring ASDA checkouts to a standstill not seen since there was a 2-for-1 offer on Shane Richies 2nd autobiography.

These disco hot flushers mask the pain of family feuding which has so far threatened to kill Coleen's husband Ray, with ousted Anne trembling to the press that she was excluded from the comeback, issuing an official statement on her website that 'they are not my sisters anymore'.

Above: I love how out of breath Coleen gets singing live, with Glenn from Pop! as back-up dancer.

Denise, who was also not asked back, supports Anne by suggesting these desperate trolls are doing it to aid financial woes, but when these re-appearing 4 are the most successful of the lot it is hard not to agree that television roles and Kerry Katona associations are not enough to pay the bills.

They might not have had a hit since 1982, but manage to catch up straight away with such contemporary hits as Chain Reaction and the hilarious image-shattering Don't Feel Like Dancing. What are they like?

01. I Will Survive
02. Holding Out for a Hero
03. It's Raining Men
04. Chain Reaction
05. Don't Feel Like Dancing
06. Mercy
07. Valerie
08. So What
09. The Promise
10. Eternal Flame
11. Giving Up Giving In
12. I'm in the Mood for Dancing
13. Attention to Me
14. Gotta Pull Myself Together
15. We've got the Chemistry Right
16. Crashing Down

As they caugh their way through the classics, they have been high-flapping their wings through gruelling 'dance' sessions, which have put sisters Coleen, Bernie, Linda and Maureen all through their paces and now have bodies women double their ages would kill themselves over!

Above: 'I feel like Im size 12 again' oinks 50 year old Bernie. 'I feel great!'

Maureen confesses to practising her steps everywhere including her shifts at Tesco Express: 'I was doing that thing like in the Full Monty where I was going through our dance routine in the queue. People were looking at me but I didnt care a bit Im on Cloud nine right now', she lies as if we think it's funny and believe her.

'We're the first over 40s girl group to be given the chance of a comeback by the music industry which is fantastic' yawns one of them as I flick through Anne's autobiography Anne's Song.

'Does any part of our bodies look like Madonna?' asks Linda. 'The only bulging veins I have are varicose ones!' We know Linda, we know.

Im In The Mood Again is out September 28th. To buy a copy of the album, click here.

For ticket info go to www.nolanstour.com