Kelis - 4th of July Artwork & AllHearts US Tour With Turnip-Faced Swede

(Dance) It girl Kelis has got a really long index finger - she must be hung like a blue whale! With news of her supposed Stateside tour with Robyn, I have been given re-newed impetus for a softer revision of the Swedish singer's recent output: I now rank Dancing On My Own even higher than my initial verdict of its sweetly throbbing melancholia being a commercial decision, to that of encouraging wanton despair whilst on a dancefloor in front of other people who have the freedom to laugh at you, but tracks like Fembot and Fucking are still fucking shit - why can't you see me and everyone else who would have preferred an album not served in 3 slices?

I Will Be Your Hetro Baby (Part 4)

Nothing major to report here. There aren't many things to write about right now, are there? Enrique has 'dropped' his new video for I Like It - it's very lacklustre, the man is styled as if it were 2003 and his sexual chemistry with women on screen has barely improved since Could I Have This Spliff Forever with Whitney back in 1999.

En Vogue - RNB's Desperate Housewives

En Vogue's z-snapping 2000 Stargate-remixed comeback single Riddle really ought to have returned them to the charts, with their gothic glamour vamped up and vaccum-cleaning lyrics juxtoposed on one of the strangest ever no-you-didn't girlband anthems. En Vogue still remain the sexiest girl group silouette of all time bar none - their vocal class was equally unbeatable, and momentarily they were quite the phenomenon in their native United States.

Competing with the likes of Destiny's Child and TLC in a Billboard Hot 100 climate dominated by pop was always going to be a struggle for these soul sisters, and the Stargate Radio Mix is a stunning tour de force, but perhaps the song's structure was far too elaborate for its own good as far as relating to the yoof-dominated market. With a thunderous orchestra emphasizing darkness and horror, some sizzlin' hot ass hunk of chocolate has been caught out by these put-upon and putting-out ladies putting 2 and 2 together. Each member scorned gets her two-cents and probably earned as much in royalties given its chart poitions (USA #92, UK #33) - ouch! The explorative verses are neverending sources of pleasure, keeping funky and flavoursome whilst counting down reality.

Maxine feels something strange about her fellas kiss on Monday morning, then when knocking back cocktails with the girls only sees his car outside their favourite resturaunt on Tuesday - she's not gon' believe it until her 'eyes see what I thought was true' and you'd think she would just leave it that, but hell no we have plenty more where that came from.

Likewise, it is not until Wednesday that Terry's twitchin for the tooth. Ellis stands her ground the best way someone who doesn't have a job can - oh yes, her man leaves his briefcase when he SAID he had work. And after checking caller id she DON'T know nobody named Tyrone... Nu uh, cue the rhapsodic finger-waving chorus.

Finally, Cindi doesn't find out until it's the weekend - cos you knows thats the days she does her cleanin' innit - and finds clumps of black woman hair she wouldn't be caught dead with. Case/briefcase closed.

Currently destroying Christina Aguilera's career if tirelessly annoying rabid popjustice posters are to be believed, none other than C. 'Tricky' Stewart is behind the Red Zone Remix Edit, which is a mild groove completely outshone by the impressive latin-flavoured Club Remix Edit, which deserves more of a title. It's a sizzling stir fry of J-Lo and Gloria remixes tossed and intoxicated Miami gay club inflections those two divas would sell their henpecked husbands for.

The album version (simply named as Radio Edit on the CD) really does not stand up as a radio mix (the Masterpeice Theatre album was all about their impeccable vocal aesthetic and has a coherence not meant to be served in acute slices). Also. three MILFs in their late 30s singing about finding weaves in their man's washing did not really scream empowerment the way Independent Women or No Scrubs did, but to see it that way was to miss the point, as the lyric continues:

And when I washed your shirts I just could not believe
I'm picking hair weave off your sleave
Found a letter in your pocket from Louise - puh-lease!

Highbrow campness galore, their concept album Masterpeice Theatre is a classic, and Riddle an interesting and highly-rewarding attempt to crossover that was sadly far too glam for mainstream radio to get.

I Will Be Your Hetro Baby (Part 5)

Enrique's new album Euphoria will be released on the 5th of July and here is the tracklisting:

1. Cuando Me Enamoro (Featuring Juan Luis Guerra)
2. No Me Digas Que No (Featuring Wisin & Yandel)
3. Ayer
4. Dile Que
5. I Like It (Featuring Pitbull & Lionel Ritchie)
6. One Day At A Time (Featuring Akon)
7. I Can Feel Your Heartbeat (Featuring Nicole Scherzinger)
8. Dirty Dancer (With Usher)
9. Tu Y Yo
10. No Me Digas Que No

Sadly there don't appear to be any Metro collaborations as first suggested.

Robyn's New Vid

Dancing On My Own is certainly a contender for a top ten single of 2010 placing - its self-pitying manages to capture an honesty, yes, but when we do feel rejected in the club there is more to it than that. This is where the song fails - it's not about love in da club, it's about your body and what it is failing to do for you, or your hair, or even your teeth..... Where is the humiliation? Why is she so passive and sober?

However, Robyn looks amazing in her new video - if amazing means lesbionic that is, which is dyke-speak for 'looking good sister - fancy shaving your pits and sharing a taxi?'. Anyway, the radio mix doesn't quite stab you in the heart the way the album/E.P versison does, which is probably a good thing as the only spurting liquids on the dancefloor should come from either accidental ejaculations or deliberately grogging someone on the face for ruining your vibes. Fanwanking has already commenced on messageboards and blogs alike - it really puts me off this talented pop star when she is heralded as some sort of icon or legend, she is a no frills talent who frequently hits a nerve. She deserves success, but she is not about trying to claw her way to the top and all the fan-dross inadvertantly misses this point. Or, wait, maybe I am being a dick and good music is supposed to make people start talking about taking over the world and being number one for no other reason than vicarious social thrills. Who knows. But gurrl, sort your grill out - I bet your boyfriend's cock looks like it's been through a mincer after she's went down on him. I'm just saying...

Tracey Thorn - Love & Its Opposite

Accidental MTV dance queen of the mid-90s Tracey Thorn joins the SWF brigade on Love & Its Opposite.

On Oh The Divorces, a precautious piano is married (see what I did there?) to Tracey's sweetfully gloomy disposition. She's a witty writer and her ruefully subdued mortification wins you over like an unassuming Victoria Wood number. Thorn sings in the 3rd person here, which gives her the sardonic objectivity of such lines as 'you were a charmer, I wish you bad karma', but then also 'the afternoon handovers by the swings' can't not feel personal. Long White Dress is destined for a rom-com soundtrack, remembering some of the innocense that got her where she is now. 'Like a ghost of something dead / long white dress' she isn't bitter, but disappointed. Favouring a gentle folksy arrangement, you can almost imagine you're re-watching a wedding day D.V.D and doing the best you can not to eat ice cream. Contained as ever, Hormones is so upbeat and sumptuous you might not even notice she's still worrying about some crap stuff such as getting old. Like the wind blowing Dusty Springfield's Goin Back in your face, Kentish Town rekindles the quietude of Missing's all-alone-now misery. Why Does The Wind is the closest sigh to disco: its ambience is almost romatic. The soft drone of her voice helps her isolated observations to never drag you down, and You Are A Lover is a not-happy love song every bit as clever and realistic. Droll, seductive, and resolent tales of romantic caution link her to the at-my-age peacocking concerns of Singles Bar ('I pull off my ring as a push my way in ... can you guess my age in this light?' and 'I lay on my back for a hollywood wax' get back to the burden of making first impressions again). On songs like Come On Home To Me, her knowing disaffection earns her instant respect, and Late In The Afternoon is like a more chilling Sade. Best of all, the lush waves of Swimming lifts faith heavenwards with gorgeous glinting guitars and mirror-reflected backing vocals. Nothing is more bittwersweet than getting old, as on Child Star, yet Thorn is never not kind and caring.

There are no excessive techono tempo textures for those who will 'oh yeah!' her when told Tracey is the one who stepped off that train. Instead, Love & Its Opposite is quiet and low rent pop that won't pull any punters off the street. Loungecore if you want it to be, it could not be more ordinary and yet I have never heard an album quite like it. Thorn's commonplace feelings of isolation are immersing and stained with enough wit and self-awareness to make sure you also think she's a nice person.

Oh, The Moustaches!

Review of Tracey Thorn's lovely new album Love & Its Opposite coming tomorrow at the latest, but I could not resist sharing my observation of her appearance on Later With Jools Holland - I couldn't take my eyes of her upper lip, which almost made up for the fact that she only sang the one song. This performance also brought it home how remarkably similar the single Oh, The Divorces is to being a Victoria Wood number.

Kelis - Flesh Tone

Singing about being a sex symbol isn't Kelis' thing, she just is one. Her beefed-up vocals are chunkier bites than her limited range might suggest. Curates egg Kelis Was Here from 2006 was an almighty chore to get through on the one listen, sitting on 18 tracks - so thankfully the new beatwise album Flesh Tone, benefiting from her recent UK top 5 smash Acapella, is a mere 9 in length (ideal to go to bed with then, etc). This means the album has to live up to its quality-not-quantity statement and every second is going to count. Short on tracks, it's not short on dynamite.

Thick electro slice Intro is mid-tempo but definately a stomper. Her husky swoops go from high to low registers. The beat is slick and her vocal has the reliably gutsy and committed function we expect. She shuffles you into track two before it even gets two more choruses to outstay its welcome. Maxing out her credit on euphoria, 22nd Century barely starts and it sounds like a classic. Sounding ready to dance until death, Kelis devours musical genres like a flesh eating bug, she just owns this.

Piano-tripping ballad to a beat 4th July has her macho but sensitive timbre making things sound decent, giving her music an accessibility other so-called avant garde phenoms are in want of. Home is a raved up electro-grinder with speed-blurred teetering synths and storytelling piano. The second moment I think to myself: 'classic'.

Probably the only track to faintly resemble any other Kelis track (I'm going for Help Me with Tino Maas to back me up on this), lead single Acapella is a damp patch in anyone's pants. I don't get the appeal: being very glad it has been a success for her, and the video is great, but it stays at the one level throughout - Kelis is to be celebrated for bringing such minimilism to the top of the charts.

We are dictated to listen to the album as a whole with the 'mix', and Scream's beginning is probably the most intrusive - we need to listen to not-my-favourite Acapella to get the full experience. Probably the one time her enthusiasm to experiment feels in danger of not quite coming off, robo-rap is short lived and interspersed with long flowing vocal strands, the second battery-powered announcement is way better than even the Black Eyed Peas think they can manage.

Futuristic dumb fun moment Emancipate is a reprtitious instruction with frenetic, stark beats backing her up. Thankfully, her nose-scrunching and moist sass is evident to save it from mere chanting ennui, and a human-connection middle-8 that might just be the year's best one yet. Most straightforward of all and separated by a heavy hitting beatmachine leaving rappers to shame, once it officially starts Brave is a fleshed-out clubccentric Daft Punk meets She Wolf move.

I bet Solange wishes her throwbacks were as good as the piano-disco For The Baby, which gulps the bass like it's air to breathe. Peaking and peaking, Kelis' attitude is simple: 'I love you than you'll ever know'. Sounding like an Alcazar instrumental, the fattest dance-pop juice of the album.

Kelis is the effortlessly atypical solo artist who puts her contemporaries to shame, she never sounds forced. Super strong squelchy synth sounds are sassy and completely realized as her natural was-it-ever-any-different habitat. Humanised verses are her speciality, whilst chorus structure and elastic production probing set the bar very high throughout. Singing smartly about her heart whilst still having fun in the club if you need it that way, genre-shapeshifter Kelis already partied so hard like it was 1999 in 1999 with Kaleidoscope, so obviously the only future her music can go is the 22nd century (with a richer sense of rhythm, she out-kaleidoscopes Kaleidoscope). Pumped full of glamour and potential hits, there are only 9 songs, which are demanding, frothy, heart-laboured and exuberant ones at that. Okay fine, even Acapella's good. Each segment a new page, Kelis asserts herself, never relying on alien soundscapes, her neutral-but-naked voice is never not centre of attention. Flesh Tone eliminates dumb-ass posturing so much that she doesn't mention her ass even once, or maybe I missed that. Wise wise-ass sass. The high-speed volubility is worth the concentration.

Spice Girls - Spice

You know who there are: the Spice Girls.

You know what the album is called: Spice.

Global girlgroup 'girls-and-gays-R-us' landmark Wannabe is probably the defining pop song of the 90s: from Mel B's gregarious laughter setting it off, the Leeds-native big mouth blurts out the start of the alpha female rap dual between herself and the group's other loud gob Geri Halliwell, a call and response ensues whilst egging on some bloke to tell her what he 'really, really wants' as if the suggestion of sex isn't quite outrageous enough for them, before they then proceed to slag off their other band mates who don't really have a say in the matter. The best part is when Geri sneers Victoria is 'a real lad-eee' as if humiliating her for not being a slag or something. The Motiv8 'Vocal Slam' is neverending and set the standard for 2007's Soulseekerz remix, which was the best thing about their pathetically under-realised comeback.

The sexiness oozing from Say You'll Be There is like a more 'Essex' version of SWV's Right Here. Lubricated with a confident Rn'B saliva that was still effortlessly pop and without the self-awareness such genre-swallowing on Forever displayed, this was the moment if felt like they were on to something.

Safe sex teen-dream ballad 2 Become 1 put the condoms on big black dick and was coming 'back for more'. Layered, just like their favourite cocks, with gentle groans of encouragement. They do it in front of a full orchestra, the show offs.

Predicting (pregancy?) their fanbase might need to persuade their mummy's for extra pocket money to buy all their merchandise, Mama is ingratiating and despite signifying very litte, became one of the highlights on their comeback tour - having blagged a free bottle of wine at the O2 venue, I can barely remember anything to make that statement mean anything either.

More playful mischief, Love Thing isn't notable until Geri and Mel get bored and start rapping. It's so imperfectly motivated. On the level of attention it deserves, Last Time Lover is basically a series of breathy swoops and probably should have stood down for either the Geri-mumbles of Bumper2Bumper or the darker Geri-drivel within Take Me Home. Not sharing their joke, Something Kinda Funny is the same, but better. If they appear to be dumb on the surface, then Naked proves underneathe they're a little bit more bumpy.

Album closer and tour opener If U Can't Dance's 'juice for you to saviour' just doesn't bear thinking about (Mel B's characature on the Bo Selecta show memorably blurts out declamatory statements about her 'pussy juice' which luridly comes to mind). Keeping safe distance, this remains one of their strongest suits, and Geri never sounded sexier.

Rampant disco slice Who Do You Think You Are was their very own Relight My Fire. Chorus like a tsunami of conditions for getting in their pants. Influenced acts from Billie Piper (the vanilla sexdrive pledge She Wants You) to Luscious Jackson (the confidence booster Nervous Breakthrough).

In reterospect: the best thing about pop music in the 90s.

Kylie Minogue Premiers New Single

With a voice that sounds like hissing botox and face resembling a waxed pig's scrotum with fillers injected, Kylie has officially premiered her new single - it is called All The Lovers incase anyone missed the invite to test it out, and is bloody nice except all that is missing is a bit of push. Speaking of deliveries, sister Dannii's contractions are going to have more euphoria. Don't get me wrong, I am actually impressed but it's no Better The Devil You Know, although the track does swim in a lush electro pool and ripples ever so elegantly. I don't know why she sings with an English accent though, what's that all about?

Back To The Brink

I really admire the fact that in the last few years Cyndi has never been busier, but I also feel frustrated that she never had the same drive back in the late 80s or even in the 90s when she might have pol-volted herself back into the charts with a One of Us type ballad. It is great that we are going to get a reality show, but if it's non-stop cartoon Cyndi then forgetaboutit - a TV acting gig would have been wiser. This new album isn't very good.

Infernal - Love Is All

Above: Paw can scratch me any day, etc.

Infernal are back with their new release Love Is All - it's not the greatest of lead singles, but reliably delivers their token elements of a quaking-but-tender vocal from Lina and Paw's talent for a good pounding (dance beat of course). I like the new dimension to Lina's voice, that is the good news. However, sometimes I tense up when acts I like release new music, as it can become more about listening for 'a hit' rather than just a song that I can enjoy when cutting my nails or googling for pictures of hetrosexual Hollywood actors. Anyway, I like the thirsty trance sound, but dance songs need to be sharp and lyrically attention-grabbing to become hits: this happens to fall into middle of the road territory for an accomplished act who certainly never fail to produce well-crafted pop songs in the mould of a commercial dance format, but I have to admit that it sounds a tad flat and half-baked. I always wanted Dannii to beg Paw to write her something along the lines of Keen On Disco, but despite sounding good this is a bit of a slump for them I think.

Kylie's Dyson-Nostrils Must Be Stopped

Selfless Kylie has once again put her fans health and safety before her own interests: in a massive blow to Parlophone's marketing plan to erect a series of billboards to promote her latest attempt to exploit gays by releasing a whole album of dance music, Minogue has put a stop to any image of her face being any bigger than a standard TV screen - it is a well known fact that if any larger than 100x100cm, images of the singer have resulted in numerous disappearances of thousands of homosexuals (the sheer vacuum of Minogue's triangular nostrils famously have the snorting capacity to empty entire stadiums - why else do you think it looked as if no one attended Dannii's Unleashed tour?).

Jenny Berggren Wants Some of Kylie's Stateside Action

I always knew Kylie's All I See video had changed the Rn'B genre forever, but who knew it would inspire Sweden's answer to Cher, Jenny Berggren to follow suit? Since it is now impossible to analyze a female solo artist's music video without comparing her to other women, I'll say that Cher, Siouxsie Sioux and Karen O are points of reference for my own enjoyment, but the best moment is where the once dowdy half of Ace of Base looks like the chubby girl from Alphabeat.



Two things do stand out though: her amazing cheekbones that would even be the envy of gay Eastern European porn stars. All I can say is what a treat it is to have one of the reasons I grew up to love music so much still releasing music and continuing to re-invent herself. The video is very simple, but slick and effective.

So Amber Is, Like, A Bitch

With an attitude as bad as her skin, the beautiful-and-forever-thin Amber is, like, a total bitch. I honestly can't believe I even wrote reviews that no one has even read for some of her non-charting albums - the (probably 2) hours I spent, completely wasted. The ungrateful cow deleted me as a friend on Facebook - all I did was post a link to the articles I wrote about HER MUSIC, does she not realise that social networking sites are where the FANS can collectively discuss HER MUSIC? Anyway, I am adding that bitch again and going to give her a what's what, but in a quietly dignified manner of course. Seriously though, that is quite a sever diss - not since Dannii Minogue suggested I try using hair products have I been this offended by a barely-functioning dance diva.

Dana's Almost-International Smash

Forgetting it was not 1997, Dana International really spiced things up on Romania's televised 2004 Eurovision selection broadcast, performing the intoxicating English-language Summer legs-to-the-ceiling anthem Matadoras - a scintilating salsa serving spiked with cock-teasing lyrics that Sam Fox, Sabrina, Tatjana, or even Alexia, and whoever else has had hits that went down a storm in 90s Ibiza, would all kill to jiggle their jugs to: 'from here to Argentina, we step into the arena / the boys are waiting for us, we are Matadorus' is just masterful!

The groin-gagging would-be holiday anthem was in fact due for release as part of an international contract with Sony, but was aborted when the deal fell through and the fervent fan favourite remains unreleased to this day: only the live version is available. Its transfixing refrain 'ooh ahh, oh la la' is the language of love and also transsexual for 'follow me home.' Dana's career will forever be skidmarked for most people by Diva, but this bar-hopping bopper was intended to be part of a project with the kind of coherent scope that was not quite ready when the singer delivered a ropey cover of Woman In Love as the follow-up to her Eurovision success - her Hebrew material rarely translates well, so to hear a song that was deliberately aimed for mainland European success fertilizes a unique engagement with its audience.

Download

Dana International - Tampa E.P

Released in 1995, Dana International's third release was a stopgap project called the Tampa E.P, which was comprised of various remixes and two new recordings, including one with the guy who later wrote her Eurovision winner Diva. An enchanting set, the singer is on exuberant form milking her fans as she bides time until her next studio album a year later.

01. Ani Rotza Li-Chyot (I Want To Live)
A speedy trance skimmer that boasts the singer's most skillfully female vocals. The melodic structure is spread wider than Dana on the operating table, but posseses her otherworldly passion and has a sensual wail to make it worthwhile. Extinguishing synths set the tone for the tranny's unmistakable eccentricity to get fully erect elewhere.

02. Mi She-Lo Roked - Omed (The One Who Doesn't Dance - Stands)
Featuring Diva-writer Svika Pick, anyone expecting something equally as epic shall be disappointed. The male vocals do not work, which is a shame as I love the primitive piano keys and glossy production varnish.

03. Flash Gordon

Theatrical cajun house-trance scorcher that is similar in elemental aesthetic to Billie Ray Martin's Your Loving Arms, but much more volcanic and nowhere near as melancholic and elegant. A scrappy chorus doesn't hold back any punches, this was my 'getting ready' anthem back in 2004. One of her most direct-sounding anthems, rather like Diva.

04. Layla Tov, Eropa (Good Evening, Europe) (Club Remix)
This was Dana's first attempt at Eurovision glory, which she eventually performed when Israel hosted the event in 1999 following her victory the previous year. The heavy weight and mindless pace would never have fortuned the singer a Eurovision victory, but the grandiose vulgarity is still rewarding in a deliberately ironic manner.

05. Danna International (International Remix)

May I have your attention please,
All passengers in flight number 606,
Please go to gate number 42

A teetering disco suspence is created and Dana soon does her air hostess duties as a Morroder bassline glides through the air (sound familiar, Kylie?). The moment one realizes the similarities it is fucking shocking. Dana's wild sexuality is as bonkers as ever, and the ethnic strings and shrieks would never have found a take off the way Kylie's blatant rip-off did, but does Kylie have the guts to sing 'I'm eating pussy'? No, she does not.

Ladies and gentlemen, attention please,
5 minutes before landing,
No kiss kiss,
No Miss Miss,
and no business allowed

06. Qu'est-Ce Que C'est? (The Ti.Pi.Cal Remix)
Dana literally sounds like a cock on this one - crowing invented French like a cockerell that is. The remix is far too sparse for my taste, but as a dub it has got as much juice as you can ask for with Ms. International's wanton wailing igniting the most fire.

07. Betula (Ethnic Virgin Remix)

This remix is not quite as much fun as the piano-trodden original version, but Dana still sings a verse of Suzanne Vega just to get the musical purists off her back for a second. The sweltering strings are a lighter and less rampant climate for what is probably the most unassuming melodic ascention in her whole highly cluttered catalogue. Overwhelmingly sumptuous, the groove is glorious and one actually experiences the careful sensation that Dana is hypnotizing them. The flustered rap is coy and convincing.

Siouxsie & The Banshees Incarnate: A Brief Overview

The back catalogue of Siouxsie & The Banshees is much to grand for encompassing in just one single post, so here goes part one where I shall tackle 3 from the 80s with more obviously to follow:

A Kiss In The Dreamhouse (1982): all the tracks are splintering pop songs or damp cave-wailing ballads . Melt!, She's A Carnival, Circle, Painted Bird, Fireworks and the seething Obsession are bristling with details and Siouxsie's bullying cry is at its 80s vintage peak. Only Slowdive veers into wasteland, although it is incredulously a fan favourite (it's like an embarassing attempt to do a Rapture).

Tinderbox from 1986 showcases Siouxsie's voice maturing, curdling into some pretty macabre subject matter in battle with some fantastic music. The songs are thornier: Cannons and Party's Fall are my favourite album tracks. The divine Starcrossed Lovers is worth getting the re-release for - it really is gorgeous and unusually lilting and romantic. The strident howl of Cities In Dust goes into dancefloor combat as one of their most remarkable singles, and the other single Candyman's unsettling subject matter still managed to reach #34 in the UK charts.

On 1984's Hyaena, Dazzle and Swimming Horses are two of the band's finest singles. The tantalising We Hunger, Siouxsie's nasal wail on the dancing ballad Belladonna is mesmerizing. Take Me Back sounds like they have devoured what was a disco song down to the bone (and has an organ). Running Town is quite jaunty and Siouxsie hisses at one point, it's 'full speed aheaaaaaaad'.