My 1998 Meltdown 1 - 50

1. Believe – Cher (UK #1, US #1, Ger #1)

Cher laps up Dannii’s dregs and with a chorus more bloated than her daughter, shows Bono what he’s been missing.

02. Diva - Dana International (UK #11, Ire #10, Spa #1)

A septic Hi-NRG infusion: theatrical and boasting a beautiful middle-8 that doesn’t even bother to have lyrics – the sound of a tranny orgasm.

03. Celebrity Skin – Hole (UK#19, US #85)

A skidding guitar riff and Love’s most consensually demonic melody to date.

04. Eurodisco – Bis (UK #37)

Like an instruction book on how to create the next Rachel Stevens – ‘give me the words I’ll sing, but I can’t feel a thing’ triggers the blistering chorus.

05. Drinking In LA - Bran Van 3000 (UK #36 - re-release 1999 UK #3)

A seething elixir of guitar drama and heartbeat-monitoring keyboards, deadbeat rapping, cooing backing vocals washing ashore and that fat-chewing chorus.

06. This Is How We Party - S.O.A.P (UK #36, Swe #1, Fra #8)

A defining moment for late 90s bubblegum pop, it scraped into the British charts and yet is more of a classic than anything Cristina Aguilera launched her career with.

07. Thank U - Alanis Morissette (UK #5, US #17, Can #1)

Judging by the video, we can see why she never thanked her bikini waxer – waxing intangible lyrics about ‘dangling carots’ and trembling every last syllable like it were an Oscar speech delivered from an asylum.

08. Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins (UK #24, US #54, NZ #18)

Corgan’s tender delivery was a mesmerizing highlight, with overcome production, from the stark beauty of the Adore album, and he really suits just a little bit of stuble.

09. Disremembrance – Dannii (UK Club Chart #1, UK #21, Aus #53))

Plaintive Dannii sounded regal and stoic, complete with majestic strings and a pixilated rave that might have been Ladytron if they were called Flexifinger. A UK club chart number 1 you know!

10. I Want You To Want Me - Solid HarmoniE (UK #16, Net #4, Se #10)

For a lyrically passive song, these girls do a lot of emphatic gurning on the verses before giving way for the relinquishing bridge/choruses.

11. A Perfect Day Elise - PJ Harvey (UK #25, Fra #70, Aus #83)

Disquieting with a bassline that could bully a murder confession out of a climaxing nun.

12. Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers (UK #4, US #15)

The album version, complete with cool down cooing after the song’s definitive yelp, is the superior experience, but the guitars rip you open and Billie’s stalker narrative is both silly and utterly divine.

13. Santa Maria - DJ Milano ft. Samantha Fox (UK #32, Aut #1)

Ripping off the likes of Sash! And DJ Quicksilver instead of ripping off her bra shamelessly paid off for the busty dyke on the smoothest ride she’s been on since her last girls night in: boozy currents heat up a blazing temperature whilst Fox paces herself with a sultry vocal as deep as her strap-on.

14. Ray of Light – Madonna (UK #2, US #5, Mexico #1)

1998’s very own I Gotta Feeling.

15. Life Is A Flower - Ace of Base (UK #5, Swe #5, Den #2)

The endearing verses paste together the band’s biggest and best chorus since Dancing Queen.

16. Because We Want To - Billie Piper (UK#1, Ire #9, Swe #8)

Stage school brat pats herself on the back.

17. The Power of Goodbye – Madonna (UK #6, US #11, Ger #4)

Madonna’s weepie vocals stir into William’s orbit like ice into gin – freezing cold and slightly enducing.

18. Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth - Dandy Warhols (UK #13, Bel #20)

19. Dr. Jones - Aqua (UK #1, Aus #1, Nor #1)

20. Hideaway - De'Lacy (UK #28 - originally 1995 UK #9)

You’ve Got The Love Part 2.

21. Stand By You - S.O.A.P

Not actually a single, but it's a more engaging lesbian lovefest than anything by T.a.T.u.

22. Back In My Life - Alice Deejay (UK #4, Aus #19, Nor #1)

23. Good Morning Sunshine – Aqua (UK #18, Net #80, Ger #94)

Think Gina G’s divinely false-promise ballad It Doesn’t Mean Goodbye but with a disco pulse.

24. Everyday Should Be A Holiday - Dandy Warhols (UK #29)

25. Kelly Watch The Stars – Air (UK #18)

Strangely uplifting, but All I Need would have tipped me over the edge - I was a pre-emo gay without the bad skin.

26. Stop - Spice Girls (UK #2, US #16, Ita #10)

Finger-waving doo wop pop from the girls: diaboliocal video and Ger’s final and unofficial swansong with the troup.

27. Everything's Gonna Be Alright – Sweetbox (Global airplay chart #1 for 10 weeks)

No doubt.

28. Pure Morning - Placebo (UK #4, NZ #21, Aus #49)

The effect totally ripped off by I Predict A Riot fatso's Kaise Chefs.

29. Rasberry Swirl - Tori Amos (Can #20, Aus #57)

Margaret Atwood meets Studio 54.

30. Feel It - The Tamperer (UK #1, Ire #1, US Dance #4)

Whilst enjoying her fame, Maya was briefly friends with Madonna, presumably until Madonna read about this and got herself a new cleaner. Maya's fame-hungry class was best exercised on Top of The Pops where her remarkable dancing presumably climaxed in an orgy with the audience.

31. Travel To Romantis - Ace of Base (Ger #61, Swe #81)

32. I Want You Back - Mel 'G' (UK #1,

Without the stench of crab paste, Mel briefly functioned as a world-class solo-ist before going tits-up with Rodney Jerkins and an inability to sing. Second only to Vanilla is her 'neuuur, a d'oohnt wuuahnt yuuahr buuahk uuat uaal, hahahaha' break-down on the extended version.

33. With Me - Destiny's Child (UK #19, Can #3, Ire #20)

Jermain Dupri wrote this for them as a ‘response’ to Usher’s You Make Me Wanna, with the girls’ bitchiest lines and all the better were the sulky stares from Letoya and especially Letavia who were ditched in 3 singles time (Get On The Bus would be DCV1’s crowning achievement FYI).

34. Rollercoaster - B*Witched (UK #1, Aus#1, US #67)

35. No No No (Part2) - Destiny's Child (UK #3, US #5, Ire #6)

Learning everything from En Vogue and Diana Ross, this was one classy launch not many other girl groups can boast.

36. Jackie's Strength - Tori Amos (US #54)

37. Viva Forever - Spice Girls (UK #1, Russia #1, Ger #4)

With backing vocals that are effectively Geri going ‘aaaah’ at the dentist, Baby’s gorgeous solo deliveries gripped the gorgeous melody best, which says a lot coming from myself as I hate that 60s vibe biatch. 'I'll be waiting' just sounds like Mel B in the car park flashing her lights at other drivers until she finds something she fancies.

38. All That Matters – Louise (UK #11, Ire #33)

39. Frozen – Madonna (UK#1, US#2, Ger #2)

When Madonna almost challenged Mylene Farmer for ‘artistry’ – if only Madge had a Fuck Them All in her.

40. Heaven's What I Feel - Gloria Estefan (UK #17, US #27, Ger #85)

Gloria didn’t have to ‘re-invent’ herself as a dance diva – she’s been one from the start, and looked all kinds of Gina G fabulous on the cover of the album.

41. Substitute For Love – Madonna (UK #10, Aus #16, Ger #39)

Madonna's absorbing balm-like ballad melts into one's imagination before the marble-scattering middle-8 wants a way out.

42. Ava Adore - Smashing Pumpkins (UK #11, US #42, Aus #19)

Corgan’s repulsive snarl never sounded so arousing, and despite the ‘you will always be my whore’ bit it’s rather epic.

43. I Think I'm Paranoid – Garbage (UK #9, Aus #57, Ger #98)

Shirley’s most savage and brutal connection to a melody, second only to Only Happy When It Rains’ deadpan exhilaration.

44. Sexy Boy – Air (UK #13

Those lusting synths make my cheeks blush picturing the character Nathan from Queer As Folk’s horizon-gazing eyes as the TV show finally depicted a gay youth as an alpha male.

45. Spark - Tori Amos (UK #16, US #49, Can #25)

Bean-flicking torment, yet the spiraling middle-8 was reminiscent of Cornflake Girl and the gasping ‘don’t, don’t really mean it’ was hard not to be gripped by.

46. The End of The Line - The Honeyz (UK#5, Ire#7)

Unassuming, if a little shy, elegant girl-group balladry that is probably rather underrated.

47. I Will Be Your Girlfriend – Dubstar (UK #28)

48. Gala - Come Into My Life (UK#38, Ita#1, Fra #10)

Be sure to employ the rave-fuelled version and not the sleek guitar edit which fails to elevate Gala’s rather defenceless vocal here – switching her key was interesting, but I prefer the flat tone of her previous hits as she sings the first part of each chorus. The video boasts her very finest macho sneering - the director must have had a killer rack.

49. The Power of Love – Corona

50. Stranded - Lutricia Mcneal (UK #3, Swe #6, Nor #4)

Her finest 1998 single – the rain-on-me comedy disco of Fly Away is the only song of hers I like better.

My 1998 Meltdown 51 - 127

51. When - Shania Twain (UK #18, Can #14)

Her talky parts are often too akin to a line-dancing instructor, but this is her most straight-up, gimmick-free song and I would never have guessed at the comedy to come.

52. My Favourite Game - The Cardigans (UK #7, Swe #3, Nor #4)

Nina’s beauty was a perfect match for the aloof adrenaline of a song I don’t think they have even tried to top since.

53. Move Mania - Sash! featuring Shannon (UK #8, Ire #15, Den #13)

Formulaic and dated, yet dragging jaded disco diva Shannon back from the dead was inspired just to hear her yell out insipid eurodance sentiments.

54. Mas Que Nada – Echobeatz (UK #10)

I used to stick this on whilst imagining Ronaldo and Roberto Carlos were sticking me on - no apologies for my tastes in men at this stage.

55. Breathe – Kylie (UK #14, Aus #23, Russia #3)

Like something off of Dannii’s seminal Girl album, yes it is that good. I still remember laughing when Kylie announced it was 'the first dance single off the album' to Zoe Ball on Live & Kicking, as if anything else would have got released in the UK.

56. Sunday Morning - No Doubt (UK #50, Aus #21, Swe #55)

‘You came in with the breaze’ might have been the only gust of melody here, but it was worth waiting for, not that Gwen approves of such activity.

57. Walking On Music – Corona

Olga mouthing to Sandy's gargling opening vocals is an almost equally magnetic song introduction as the tanoid announcement of Rhythm of The Night - an emancipating return.

58. Everytime I Fall - Gina G (UK #52, Lebanon #16, Chile #12)

The Todd Terry radio and Metro remixes polished this up more than nicely – the former delivers the tempo lacking on the soggy album fiasco and the latter incorporates a Gala-esque piano middle-8 complete with aeroplance sound jetting overhead. And so it was over.

59. Special – Garbage (UK #15, US #52, Aus #54)

Mimicking Chrissie Hynde, mincing a Pretenders refrain and yet Shirley still managed to embody the persona of a surly alien princess as she always does. Garbage at the top of their game – from an album that just doesn’t quit.

60. Debbie - B-52s (US Modern Rock #35)

61. My Oh My – Aqua (UK #6, Swe #4, Fra #4)

62. Turn Back Time - Aqua (UK#1, Swe #4, NZ #2)

63. I Wanna Love You - Solid HarmoniE (UK #20, Net #25, Swe #39)

64. Ain't That Just The Way - Lutricia Mcneal (UK #6, Swe #1, Ger #5)

There wasn't no one who would spit their weave out their mouth whilst singing live the way Trish could.

65. Someone Loves You Honey - Lutricia Mcneal (UK #9, Aut #13, Nor #17)

Trish rubs it in to homeless people as she pens a song to make up for the fact she spat in one of their faces after she was innocently trying to get rid of a hair extension stuck to her lip gloss.

66. C'est La Vie - B*Witches (UK #1, Ire #1, US #9)

More bounce than a hooker booked for a full basketball team.

67. Girlfriend - Billie Piper (UK #1, Ire #9, NZ #2)

68. She Wants You - Billie Piper (UK #3, Ire #21, NZ #4)

More than a little whiff of Who Do You Think You Are vibes, it failed to heave the album to the top of the charts and perhaps spelled it out that Billie was never going to be much of a hype despite being rather decent.

69. Tell Me - Billie Myers (UK #28)

Intially I was addicted to Myers’ almost pervy gender-bending agony here, but years later it has aged quicker than a whore wearing last years make-up colours with no time to wash between clients, which the video conveys perfectly.

70. To Love Once Again - Solid HarmoniE (UK #55)

71. Push It – Garbage (UK #9, US #52, Aus #31)

72. You Don't Care About Us – Placebo (UK #5)

Hopelessness and vitriolic - teenage angst personified.

73. Every You, Every Me – Placebo (UK #11, Aus #46, Ger #99)

74. Sinner - Neil Finn (UK #39, Aus #40)

75. Cruel Summer - Ace of Base (UK #8, US #10, Can #5)

Crisp and sharp, yet the production never truly overcomes the obstacle of making one forget it’s a cover. And poor Linn faded herself into the background in hilariously un-subtle fashion – oh look there’s a blurry shot of the blonde one who doesn’t want us to look at her anymore, oh look there she is again her running behind a pillar, etc.

76. Always Have, Always Will - Ace of Base (UK #12, Aut #29, Ger #47)

77. If You Buy This Record Your Life Will Be Better - The Tamperer (UK #3)

Sampling her old friend and employer Madonna, Maya now cleans for Nikki French so is in no shortage of skidmarks to sample these days.

78. Last Thing On My Mind – Steps (UK#6, Aus #5, Bel #1)

Now this is how to cover Bananarama!

79. Cleopatra's Theme – Cleopatra (UK #3, US #26)

Madonna’s first attempt to adopt black people backfired when these girls demanded a US record deal and were soon sent packing when their Mama was having none of it. You got that, gurrl?

80. Sweetest Thing - U2 (UK #3, Ire #1, US #63)

81. Go Deep – Janet (UK #13, Fra #22, Ger #72)

Say no more, gurrl.

82. The First Night – Monica (UK#6, US#1, Net #22)

Sampling Diana Ross, Monica emerged from the chart-topping Boy Is Mine duet with the most impressive song - sultry and panting for more, it topped the US charts.

83. One For Sorrow – Steps (UK #2, US #38, Bel #1)

84. There Goes The Neighbourhood - Sheryl Crow (UK #19, Can #4)

The hits soon dried up for old mole-face, but this was rather fine if a little wonky as it het up.

85. Imortality – Celine (UK #5, Fra #15, Can #10)

Hard to tell who sounds more feminine, Celine made the boys cry in the studio – her endless sugar daddy jokes brought Babs to tears as well.

86. Teardrop - Massive Attack (UK #10, US #110, Aus #16)

87. Pacemaker - Billie Ray Martin

A loungey and languid production, with Billie aiming low and deep with her second-to-none vocals: to think she once claimed she couldn't care less about dance music (well, remixes actually, but you get the drift).

88. Alexia - The Music I Like (UK #34, Ira #22)

89. Everytime – Janet (UK #46, US #125, Fra #95)

90. Looking For Love - Karen Ramirez (UK#8, Ire#23)

Fluffy drum n' bass ballad co-written by none other than Tracy Thorn.

91. If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next - Manic Street Preachers (UK #1, Ire #2, Nor #19)

Whenever he is thin I fall in love with James-Dean Bradfield - a seriously disappointing album, this became their first and most recent number 1.

92. You Stole The Sun From My Heart - Manic Street Preachers (UK #5, Ire #20, Net #94)

93. To You I Belong - B*Witched (UK #1, Ire #4, NZ #5)

Sneaking in a number 1 as they backed down from releasing the same week as the Spicies, the celtic influences were the selling point, but the song was as lovely as the potatoe soup they were raised on – seriously, a bowl a week between the four of them, just look at how healthy they all looked!

94. Goodbye - Spice Girls (UK #1, US #11, Ire #1)

Mocking Geri with a number 1 single, Posh really put the knife in with her carefully worded middle-8.

95. Oye - Gloria Estefan (UK #33, Spa #1, Fra #39)

Gloria seriously needs to re-connect to her casual-music-fans fans with intoxicating salsa stir-fries like this: come, baby, do that conga gurrl!

96. Where Are You Now – Imaani (UK #15, Net #14, Bel #12)

A number 2 at Eurovision, I still wish we got an album from this one - I would love a comeback attempt from her.

97. All I Have To Give - Backstreey Boys (UK #2, US #5, Ger #8)

Sounds like a challenge: American cheerleaders have it so good.

98. When You Believe - Mariah & Whitney (UK #4, US #15, Swe #2)

What would a 2010 duet sound like – hilarious, that’s what!

99. Crush - Jennifer Paige (UK #4, US #3, Can #1)

Paula Cole meets Paula Cole on 1998s catchiest radio hit.

100. Boom Boom - N-Tyce (UK#18)

So much excitement on the weightless chorus, it’s still hard to cope knowing these girls soon called it quits - all they wanted was a double-boom.

101. Little Bit of Lovin' - Kele Le Roc (UK#8)

102. Horny - Mousse T. (UK #2)

103. Finally Found - The Honeyz - (UK#4, Aus#3)

104. Under The Bridge - All Saints (UK #1, Ire #3, Aus #5)

105. Music Sounds Better With You – Stardust (UK #2)

106. Heartbeat – Steps (UK #1, Ire #2, Swe #4)

107. I Get Lonely – Janet (UK #5, US #3, Aus #21)

Top-drawer anthem from Michael's 3rd favourite sister.

108. Sex On The Beach - T-Spoon (UK #2, Ire #2)

109. My Favourite Mistake - Sheryl Crow (UK #9, US #20, Can #2)

110. Smoke - Natalie Imbruglia (UK #5, Aus #42)

111. Big Mistake - Natalie Impruglia (UK #2, Aus #6, Swe #24)

Sub-Alanis whigeing that sounded really good at the time. She just looks like a lesbian doing a walk of shame in the Barcelona-filmed video.

121. Road Rage – Catatonia (UK #5, Ire #29, Aus #40)

122. Needin U - David Morales (UK #8)

He can give me his number 8 anytime.

123. The Boy Is Mine - Brandy & Monica (UK #2, US #1, Fra #2, Jap #1)

Passive-aggressive eyeballing in the video aside, this was rather lackluster but dignified and at least introduced Monica to an audience wider than Dannii on a sling, even if she has lost the plot a little of late.

124. Up & Down – Vengaboys (UK #4, Ire #3, Pol #2)

125. We Like To Party – Vengaboys (UK #3, Ire #3, Pol #1)

126. Telefunkin - N-Tyce (UK#16)

Girl-groups were in short supply in 1998 - if only there were a mixed-race band with lots of attitude and colloquial phrasing to catch our mundane minge-starved imaginations.

127. The Incidentals - Alisha's Attic (UK#13)