Don't Judge, Just Enjoy!

Literally, the best thing in the world right now!

Mariah Carey - ALS from Mariah Polska on Vimeo.

Mariah Review Coming Soon, Y'all! As I said on popjustice, she even puts Nikki French to shame...

Celine Dion - These Are Special Times (1998)

Cash cow Celine Dion wouldn't be Celine Dion if she didn't fully exploit her dwindling fanbase of tragic gays and Oprah viewers and in 1998 was at the epoch of her 90s bloom when she released her very special stop-gap album Th£$£ Ar£ $p£cial Tim£$. FYW: that's not chrismas lights on her tree, nooo, that's actually dollar signs blinding you with artistic integrity and heartfelt creativity. Celine makes me feel ashamed to not be a millionaire when there are only millions of lazy Africans out there also not recording studio albums to make me feel slightly less crap about this.

In a nutshell:
It's only track one, O Holy Night, and already Celine Dion is a quivering wreck; bless, Don't Save It All For Christmas Day has more syrup than a Michelle McManus pancake; jazz-baby's have Christmases too (Blue Christmas); shiny guitar shimmers compliment the aroma of Another Christmas Day; getting her strum on on The Magic of Christmas Day (God Bless Everyone - Even The Gays), she gets political; Ave Maria is crisp, sincere and showy; Oh Come On Ye Faithful is a bit too pompous for my liking; you know what you are getting with The Christmas Song (Celine's lush settings are expensive and that's what counts); The Prayer is painted with dreamy violin strokes; Brahm's Lullaby is distinctively cute and serious about being serious; album highlight Christmas Eve is a fantastic wall-of-sound moment I shall be going back to time and time again; the tinkly title track is soft, shimmery and dewy; one of my favourites for a diva to devour, Merry Xmas (War Is Over) is stunning; R-Kelly duet I'm Your Angel was a big, big hit and surrounded by genuine Xmas songs really benefits what I had always felt was a bit of a dud; Feliz Navidad is what would happen if Gloria Estefan got drunk in the studio more often; and Les Cloches Du Hameau is a French joke I can only imagine.

Above: Giver Celine tries to remember the address for Africa.

Celine is so dramatic it's beyond po-faced. True, she could let her extensions down more often, and only the marvelous Christmas Eve truly captures the festive essense of aspirational joy and excitement, but all songs here are impeccably orchestrated and it's never chore to hear her warbly timbre set fire to itself at explosive moments and whimper with carefully studied sadness (have you seen her middle-brow furrow?). Celine won't save Africa with this album, but I bet she got a lot of nice shoes from it.

Rating:
8.5/10

Wilson Phillips - Christmas In Harmony (2010)

Above: the girls are so close these days they refuse to even look in the same direction.

Nothing brings defunct 90s girlgroups back from the brink of reality TV, liposuction dramas and tabloid-fed family fall-outs than the innocently concieved cash-in nature of a Christmas CD. For Wilson Phillips, their dramas are well-known and this season's Christmas In Harmonony is a back to basics affair. Upstaging absolutely no one, the girls what-the-hell approach generates the results they deserve - no really. These big-league belters are back ... for longer than 12 days I hope!

Their faithful rendition of I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday is enjoyable, well-chosen and even inspired some ass-slapping dance moves from Wendy Williams when the girls recently sang it live on her talk show. Clumsy bell-chiming aside, the makeshift appeal might not have been intended but this is one of the few Christmas songs you can't go wrong with.

In a nutshell:
Equally thrift-store, Little Drummer Boy is better and actually justifies their claim of the album's concept; the upbeat Warm Lovin' Christmastime plugs away at familiar cliches - like a gift you know you're getting, you can still appreciate the effort in wrapping it up nicely; When A Child Is Born is lovely; the insistently nagging Christmastime is adorably decent; Silent Night is given the Dolly treatment (more on her in the next few days I promise); Santa Clause Is Coming To Town is dolled-up cougar-style; Silver Bells is a bit of Spector-headache; perfunctory Sleigh Ride slightly wonky (which might add to the 'fun'); gameful irony of Joy's 'Christmas is more than a price tag' hits its target just about whether the girls are in on the joke or not, brittle piano keys tinkle on the chirpy Winter Wonderland; The Christmas Song secures yet another pleasingly purposefully-pointless rendition; and no one can accuse the girls of cynicism on Our Prayer, a gorgeous harmonic rhapsody I could literally listen to for minutes.

Below: I'm dreaming of an airbrushed Christmas.
Bringing reliably good cheer to the mix, Wilson Phillips have produced one of the better holiday albums in recent years. Yes, their overall conviction is nothing innovative, but the descerning song choice can't be scoffed at, and producerd Glen Ballard keeps their vocal icing from going stale, even if their commercial motivation is more obvious than a drunk santa in the back of a police car.

Rating:
8/10

The Creatures - Red Wrapping Paper

Alternative Christmas songs don't get more deadly cheerful than Siouxsie snarling Red Wrapping Paper (whilst referencing Cristina's cult post-punk pop classic Things Fall Apart) as performed by The Creatures. Not able to be held in captivity by the Anima Animus album, B-side status was assured. Atmospheric with otherworldly tinkles like earily ornate Christmas tree decorations come to life, Budgie's percussion ensure this is no fairytale whimsy. Only Siouxsie could turn gift-wrapping into an act of malice.

Diva's Xmas Playlist - CD4/5

01. Santa Baby - Alexia Phillips
Freestyle diva shows up Madge.
02. Like An Angel Passing Through My Room - ABBA
Elegant and creepy, from the album about being past-it and not to old for sex.
03. Fly Away - Lutricia McNeal
Getting crucial on the dancefloor, dance-dealer Trish spits out her extensions for that gloriously melancholic chorus.
04. Little Love Affair - Nadine
For the vintage 90s Mariah appeal - Nadine just about pulls of those frothing high notes.
05. A Christmas Duel - The Hives vs Cyndi Lauper
Kooky cougar Cyndi sings about her beefy minge or something. I can't remember right now.
06. Lil' Star - Kelis
Downbeat highlight from whatever album it was from.
07. Love Story - Dana International
Although I contemplated the bitter pathos of Hakol Ze Letova, less harsh is this stream-of-conscience mid-tempo trance ballad.
08. Wait - Lonnie Gordon
Usually singing songs whilst sounding like she's about to spit someone in the face (A God That Can Dance, anyone?); Lonnie's exquisite version is hushed and a thing of beauty.
09. Angel - Eurythmics
Fabulous Elvis simile I only wish was sung by Cher, the final classic to come out from them.
10. Perfect Nobody - Linda Sundblad
This is basically her Promise To Try moment. At least she's not singing about a 'faggot gay dance' this time.
11. Longing For Lullabies - Kleerup
The perfect soundtrack to longing for better presents.
12. Damn ... I Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins
A.K.A the song Nadine should have covered. Maybe.
13. Nothing Good About This Goodbye - Rachel Stevens
How this blow-up doll managed something this good I'll never know.
14. Halleluja - Jeff Buckley
Not even Burkey can ruin this song for me.
15. Love Is Holy - Kim Wilde
Starving Belinda of a sly UK top twenty, Wilde almost get her career back on track in the 90s with this.
16. The Ghost In You - Siouxsie & The Banshees
Statuesque ballad that ripples with rueful remorse.
17. Big Boys Don't Cry (Christmas Version) - Lolly
Living Legend and remnant of the commercial bubblegum-pop era.
18. Give Love On Christmas Day - Soldi HarmoniE
The 'female backstreet boys' faithful cover. Thier own Walk Away might also work.
19. Everytime I Fall (Todd Terry Radion Edit) - Gina G
Flamenco Christmas. Spruced up for radio, Terry simply adds Tempo and gives the wheels some extra grease.
20. One - Mica Paris
Before she was a size-14-and-loving-it soudbite for working mums who want to look good over 40, big old Meesh was actually a fucking amazing singer.
21. All The Way - Ladytron
Wintry ballad with vocals that could give you frostbite.

Diva's Xmas Playlist - CD3/5

1. Gee Wiz It's Christmas - Carla Thomas

A defining voice of 60s soul.
02. Hearts - Billie Ray Martin
Eno meets Cyndi's True Colours. It's wintry and aquatic chill are comforted by Billie's expressive solace. Her emotional whisper, 'so calm down', uttered like blowing out a candle.
03. A Great Big Sled - The Killers ft. Toni Halliday
If only they made more of Toni's 'can't do that' lingering at the end. Still a great chorus.
04. Escaping - Dina Carol
90s wilderness diva Dina is poised and in full-on Disney mode.
05. Like A Prayer - Madonna
The song that came out of nowhere.
06. Hot Gets A Little Cold - Cyndi Lauper
Logs burning on the fire. lauper gets her Joan Osborne on.
07. Moments of Pleasure - Kate Bush
Cold-air piano ballad. She sings of New York, but this is Christmas making sense of a Frasier Crane style gone-wrong party.
08. (We Want) The Same Thing - Belinda Carlisle
Committed, racous, but everything is so completely united.
09. Once Upon A Time - Smashing Pumpkins
Sentimental and mulling over internal memories - heartbreaking or just gorgeous.
10. Look At Me - Sugababes
Harmonies as light as snowflakes, that weightless chorus is just divine.
11. I Love You, Always Forever - Donna Lewis
A Love ... Thy Will Be Done rip-off to die for.
12. It's Christmas Time - Alexia
Alexia gets her breath back from her usual 90s euro-boppers blasters.
13. Ave Maria - Nina Hagen
Operatic goth siren gets a bit soft and emotional.
14. Cruise Into Christmas - Jane McDonald
Just for the LOLs.
15. It's Christmas All Over The World - Sheena Easton
Her vocals at their vintage mid-80s peak. I can't help but surrender.
16. The Christinamas Song (Thuderpuss Remix) - Christina Aguilera
Bitchy teenage brat at the top of her game - she'd never get away with such a cash-in project these days, and the world weeps.
17. Thank U - Alanis Morissette
Dangling carots, misbehaving brussels and a naked woman wondering through the street.
18. If - Marcella Detroit
Apocalyptic MOR beauty. Her (actually, officially) solo Stay. Seriously.
19. Another Lonely Christmas - Prince
There's still more purple one to come in my Xmas playlist series, but here is his unequivocal holiday ballad.
20. It Can't Come Quickly Enough - Scissor Sisters
Drafty backing vocals sail this song to a haunting close.
21. All I Want For Christmas Is You - Carla Thomas
Not the Mariah thing, Thomas is pure joy.

Diva's Xmas Playlist - CD2/5

01. Put A Little Love In Your Heart - Annie Lennox & Al Green

Essentially a Eurythmics production, Annie and her men are on rapturous form and I bet Annie was dead pleased with herself reaching those high notes.
02. Rhythm of The Night (Rapino Bros Sleigh Bells Version) - Corona
Hideosly contrived with sleigh bells, the dance beats are even faster than before.
03. It's A Christmas Day - Ice Mc & Alexia
See Corona.
04. All God's Children - Belinda Carlisle
Crimson cougar gets her Cher on for ill-faited compilation bonus track that did diddly squat.
05. All I Want For Christmas - Mariah Carey
If this had reached number one my Christmas tree fairy would have been called Mariah instead of East 17.
06. Maria - Blondie
Deborah is on fine form, 'walking on important air' and presumably a chugging guitar and dazzling chimes bells to boot. Has a comeback song ever sounded this good? Ahh yes, Believe, but still a mighty achievement.
07. The Holy River - Prince
Syrupy ballad from the underrated Emancipation (it was the original pick n' mix album years before Bionic)
08. Jingle Bless (Euro Mix) - En Vogue
You'd never guess the other (rock) version of this is basically the unnoficial follow-up to Free Your Mind for those who wanted it, but this Hi-NRG version is so god damned magnificent, makeshift and cheapskate, I literally listen to this on repeat for hours whilst getting ready sometimes. 'Oh what fun it is ... to ride wit you' - oh you can take the milfs out the hood but you can't take the ho out the milf. Or something. En Vogue even make being trashy sound classy.
09. Victim of Romance - Michelle Phillips
A torrent of doo-wop pathos and euphoria - it has nothing to do with Christmas and yet imbues the bittersweet party spirit of the season.
10. Always Have, Always Will - Ace of Base
Po-faced Swedes churned out the only serious Christmas commercial contender of 1998.
11. Waiting For That Day - George Michael
It's miserable anf gorgeous - what better mood to make it feel like Christmas? I feel so caught out when this song comes on as it's just too sad for words, and you never have any other option but to see it all through until it finishes whether you have your dignity intact whilst in public or not.
12. I Love Christmas - Fast Food Rockers
The best song Lolly never recorded.
13. Things Fall Apart - Cristina
The original miserable festive song: the emotional wreckage is ironic, but real, and addictively distasteful.
14. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitiresses
Has more bounce than a cheerleader having fun with a basketball team.
15. The Last Beat of My Heart - Siouxsie & The Banshees
Siouxsie's majestic ballad stands out as one of her very finest, and it sounds utterly spine-tingling live.
16. Count The Days - Girls Aloud
Well Kimberly sure isn't counting the calories.
17. I Am Blessed - Eternal
90s bible-bashers get godly.
18. Only Love - Sophie B. Hawkins
Dark, disney and delicious.
19. Heaven & Alchemy - Siouxsie
Solo Siouxsie's wintry after-hours torch ballad sounds like she is gargling vodka; so melancholic it burns your throat.
20. Human - Cher
One of her very best, understated and truly emotional such is her determination to reach those high notes.
21. Gift of Christmas (Motiv8 Edit) - Dannii ft. the Childliners
Dannii was so lazy that all she could manage was just the one solo line, so instead helps out a bunch of has-beens struggling for a mid-90s hit single.

Diva's Xmas Playlist - CD1/5

01. Belle of St. Mark - Sheila E.
Festive love sensations galore.
02. À quoi rêve une jeune fille - Alizee
Sultry pathos whispered like a pro.
03. Not Tonight Santa - Girls Aloud
Spector pop gets a council facelift.
o4. Maybe He'll Know - Blue Angel / Cyndi Lauper
Choose a version, any version. My fav is the Cyndi solo 'special version' (ie, the intended single edit).
05. Gold - Prince
Ar his 90s MOR best.
06. Winter Wonderland - Eurythmics
Ice-queen Annie's seethes 'season' like having a seizure.
07. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - Darlene Love
A blizzard of pathos and loving every second of it.
08. Oh Father - Madonna
She never ever did anything like this again. The finest lip-pursed 180 spin in the vdeio at the end.
09. One Wish - Roxette
Word-association brings this track - explosive like a cracker? - onto this list. A great Marie moment in the video: face in background looking strong and proud.
10. Merry Christmas (War Is Over) - Diana Ross
Diana has a nervous breakdown yelping 'war..is...over!' That's great Diana, now say the alphabet backwards whilst hopping backwards on one leg in a straight line.
11. Wonderful Dreams - Melanie Thornton
Underrated Christmas classic.
12. I Had A Dream - Alexia
Former euro-bopper gets her SUBO on. Not really, this is a new billingual composition.
13. Reveal (Kleerup Version) - Roxette
Overhelmed and overcome, tired eyes can rest listening to this. A thing of beauty in any of the edits (the teetering Attic remix and smokey original version).
14. Home On Christmas Day - Cyndi Lauper
Lauper's folky delivery is cute, sarcastic and utterly irresistable. The highlight from her patchy-but-barmy album Have A Nice Life.
15. I Was Born On Christmas Day - Saint Etienne
Bouncey rhythms and Cracknell's whispy voice wrapping around you like candy floss.
16. Christmas Just Ain't Christmas - SWV
The only thing worthwhile on their own stopgap Crimbo cash-in cracker.
17. 2 Become 1 - Spice Girls
Lush and heaven-sent.
18. It Must Have Been Love - Roxette
Get the 'winters day' version; Marie's vocal bleeds into your ears. Defining 90s glamour.
19. Stay - East 17
4 guys that would rough you up and put your ripped clothes back on afterwards.
20. Northern Star - Hole
Lyric-association qualification. I doubt Courtney had Christmas in mind - why not throw in Heaven Tonight as well if you're feeling generous. Maybe I will: 'here comes the horses galloping, I will never grow old' - oh Courtney, we all love you here.
21. One of Us - Joan Osborne
It says 'God' in the song for God's sake. Yes, it can be a Christmas song if I say it is.

Bananarama - Christ It's Christmas

Reminding me of Saint Etienne, possibly because they sound like they are furtively sipping wine from a straw in between singing, Bananarama's deadpan disco single Baby It's Christmas is just as excitably ropey as all their post-Preacherman dance fluff, continuing to huff and puff half-hearted cliches whilst propped up by half a bottle of poppers and debatable backing track.

Diva of Christmas Past

After a deal to produce her own brand of ketchup, Diana Soss, fell through, Diana Ross had no other option but to 'go fro with it' and release a sublime Christmas album, A Very Secial Season. Her soft whispering sigh is so often underrated with an unmatched ability to soar and land straight back down again - a knack that propelled a late bloom into the lucrative early 90s commercial market for furlorn power ballads. And no one in the world does cooing soggy ballads like Ms. Ross does. Note: if that last sentence was read without motioning a z-snap, do so now.

Her stop-gap holiday album presents itself as warm and tender interpretations of other peoples work - her fine voice does the usual quivering, skimming the surface as always in flighty rapture. On Winter Wonderland, refined and oh-so-lush, the big old lush herself opts to deliver a mischevious sense of drama: not everyone can match the perversity of Annie Lennox, but Ross never loses sight of her impeccable aesthetics. Her flirtatious excitement dwelling on the line 'two hearts are thrillin' sound like the old timer is propositioning a young police officer arresting her for drink driving. Sleigh bells tip-toe on her highly-competent version of Wonderful Christmastime, where her voice has all the giggling confidence and shameless majesty of drink-driver throwing up in her cell.

Sounding like her yoga session is being interrupted, she almost loses it on Happy Christmas (War Is Over). Her serenity comes under fire when her sincerity boils over into a heartwrenching pledge in order to avoid being upstaged by a childrens choir. It is a dramatic thrill for her to come so close to danger and come out the other side wig intact - she must have left the recording booth with more sweat beeding down her than one of her staff daring to make eye contact.

Most surprising is her poignant handling of the tear streamer Ave Maria, and never before has the diva sounded more statue-esque and convincingly humble since admitting to Oprah that in all her years she had learned: "absolutely nothing!"

Christmas Just Ain't Christmas: Diva Incarnate Festive Playlist

November is getting all too busy for Diva Incarnate, so before I close the blog for 2009 in December (with posts still to arrive throughout this month), here are some face-changing Christmas songs listed in no particular order, of which are not all predictable shopping complex noise - my own perspective on Christmas can veer from the wintry chill of a Ladytron ballad, to the positively arctic gale in which Siouxsie's vocal flickers into on Heaven & Alchemy, to the pledging romance of a Whitney track, and finally to the ridiculously cute Fast Food Rockers' I Love Christmas, which almost makes one sneaze aspartame.

Alizée - A quoi rêve une jeune fille
Poised and sultry bedroom sighing, Elizee sings this as if hypnotised by her pining hearts desire, and the chiming bells seem to allude to missing an opportunity or time's exposure of one's mistakes.

Cristina - Things Fall Apart
Siouxsie Sioux praises this as being the perfect soundtrack for cleaning up the wreckage of a festive party - where are all your friends when it's time to clean up? The emotionally broken lyrics are almost deliciously depressive: 'I grabbed a cab back to my flat, And wept a bit, And fed the cat.' If Grace Jones was a white English girl who attended Harvard with a tactic of wry and crushing lyrics juxtopsed with jaunty melodies, this would be it.

Siouxsie & The Banshees - The Last Beat of My Heart
Like a funeral of Christmas, Siouxsie's mournful vocal is sung softly in calm recovery conveying a sultry and morbid arua of dull panic: 'how in the world can I wish for this?' she breathes, as the song laments, 'a bridge of sighs'. That epic lyric alone is an eclipse of apprehensive dissilusion.

Siouxsie & The Banshees - Starcrossed Lovers
I don't know how I can quite argue this rusty Tinderbox outtake is festive, but it's Siouxsie's most darkly romantic song and tastes a different flavour than much of what else the band ever recorded, bathed in sardonic lust and 'murderous delight'. With its evocative glamour, it is in my Banshees top 10 without a doubt.

Siouxsie - Heaven & Alchemy
Simply the best song she has written since Kiss Them For Me, Siouxsie's throaty perfume mists itself into a wainters gail. Like an emotional snow globe,her lyric is of exhaustion and deals with themes that Christmas often makes one reflect upon: namely death, suicide, sadness and fear of aging. The distortion at play as she knocks back 'I'm in love with the idea of you' in rush reality' is a lot less cryptic than usual, the sadness and pain much more revealing. Her crystalline voice almost chokes on the stoic longing, which is tenderly erotic as it is tragic. This after-hours jazz elixar ought to have been the album Mantaray's lead single.

The Childliners - The Gift of Christmas (Motiv8 Mix)
Rapant adrenaline is spiked with Dannii's delicious vocals, of which duties are shared with a bunch of forgotten 90s acts including Michelle Gayle.

Cyndi Lauper - Christmas Conga
Lauper slam dunks her festive 1998 Sony swansong with the type of gyrating anthem pal Gloria Estefan ought to have strived for on her own Xmas album - released as a kiss-off to her label, Cyndi delivers her fuck-you moment by chirping in sarcastically 'oh by the way, have a nice life!'

Hole - Northern Star
Midnight stargazing strummer, exposed and vulnerable, it works perfectly as a festive song as well for it fills the air with atmosphere you can almost taste. Courtney made this her band's centre peice for their '99 festival shows.

The Killers & Toni Holliday - A Great Big Sled
Gilstening, gleaming, clean-cut Killers melody and optimistically chugging bass - enter Ms. Holiday's divine pursuit with her light and fragile discrimination. Her plaintive 'can't do that' lays proceedings to rest, and makes me wish it were a brand new chorus.

Ladytron - All The Way
Drafty, thin yet thistle-like vocals, like a sheen of lamenating ice, freeze the tears into a coldly emotive and delicate tone. Best moment: the almost off-guard icicle-tears emotion of Helen Marnie sighing'you come here' sucks you in with almost suffering kindness.

Roxette - Reveal (Kleerup, Attic & Original edits)
Kleerup's star-tinkling production glistens with dampening synths falling lighter than snowflakes, which take advantage of Marie's gorgeously regal vocals which sound softer than ever. The attic edit teeters into illumination, with a clock-striking urgency.

Belinda Carlisle - (We Want) The Same Thing
Belinda's scary verses and gushing chorus collide to capture the seasonal drama of two racists fighting for the last copy of Fight For This love.

Dana International - Love Story of Chas
Dana's doo-wopping surprise is a firm Christmas current where even her phlegm-spitting pronounciations seem goodnatured and touching, with beaming production that is enchanting and dreamily uptempo. The wimpering finale is a messy end, which I love as if watching the image of a polaroid before it curdles when set alight.

Cyndi Lauper/Blue Angel - Maybe He'll Know
Originally a Blue Angle track, the Cyndi solo 1989 'Special Mix' is a bombastic festive cork-popper of a pop song - no other singer can sound so wanton, silly and endearingly daft and make it an actual artform. Pure perfection, sample lyric: don't even bother, just immerse yourself in Cyndi's eagerly uninhibited and unbalanced wailing, which makes it a wonder she never toppled over recording it.

Ace of Base - Always Have, Always Will
Foot-tapping 60s kitsch pop that's almost as good as the Spice Girls' Stop. Song's key moment: the whooping galore that trips you up for the title lyric from the chorus.

Lutricia McNeal - The Greatest Love You'll Never Know

Sugababes - Look At Me
The 1.0 line-up's snowflake vocals on this define Christmas 2003 for me - I won't say why explicitly, but I have that typical 'from the outside looking in' syndromme and I used to hear this at a moment of a day within a particular period when I actually felt inside the window. Ugh, who needs to know this. The title lyric is poignant without being too literal, holding on to the past is gently put to ease.

Sugababes - Ace Reject
Stunning second-guessing ballad about coming to terms with your looks and whatever else you might worry about.

Rachel Stevens - Nothing Good About This Goodbye
A mid-tempo Alexis Strum track given the electro treatment for personality incarnate Rachel Stevens, who ironically does a better job at it - a genuine missed opportunity.

Bertine Zetlitz - Snow On A Hot Day
Up their with Cyndi Lauper's Christmas Conga for inverting the usual ingredients of a festive anthem.

Bertine Zetlitz - Bubble Bursts
Bertine's best songs have a sort of stale depressive glamour to them - this one oozes out of fresh wounds, sung like a decieving lullaby.

Bertine Zetlitz - Death In Her Room
Sensual and sardonic, Bertine's never sounded warmer despite the fear held prisoner in the title.

Prince - Gold
Melody just floods out of this one like Michelle McManus getting into the bath. Festively crisp and utterly anthemic.

Prince - Sometimes It Snows In April

Prince - Another Lonely Christmas

Tori Amos - Winter's Carol
The standout from her new festive CD.

Kleerup - Longing For Lullabies
Distilling melancholy and innocense, Neneh Cherry's sisters vocals are an acquired taste but her whimpering style is the perfect match for the wistful brittle disco ballad.

Sophie B. Hawkins - Damn ... I Wish I Was Your Lover
Criminally underrated 3-hit-wonder.

Natalie Imbriglia - Beauty On The Fire

Sheila E - The Belle of St. Mark
This shimmying Christmas nugget is a true gem with more spark than the fireworks between Louis Walsh and an unsigned boyband begging him for a chance to show him what they have got to give.

Eternal - I Am Blessed
This one got the Pope's seal of approval, which Esther couldn't stop texting Louise. Esther really had a knack for this kind of sentimental trash, it's a wonder they stopped singing them.

Eternal - Someday
Disney smaltz-fest I have never been able to resist - Esther sings her lungs off yet never loses her mega-bitch class we all love her for.

Mica Paris - One
Lung-splattering rendition of the U2 song, but actually amazing.

My Love Is Your Love - Whitney
Although Whitters does have a Christmas album, including her huff-and-puff original called One Wish, this lighters-in-the-air love anthem fits the million dollar bill with greater ease, and is probably the final classic from the singer before it all when to shit.

All I Want For Christmas - Mariah

Nina Hagen - Ave Maria
Nina gets this just right, splattering her guts is exactly what Christmas is crying out for - her operatic ghost-like wailing is just divine and begins with softer melancholy few would give her credit for.

Stay - East 17
The terminal pathos quakes with sheer beauty - like teenage dilfs showing tenderness, the effect is devastating.

Fast Food Rockers - I Love Christmas

Gloria Estefan - Everlasting Love

Sidestep her Xmas disc, this is where the party's at.

Saint Eitenne - I Was Born On Christmas Day
Glittery production and Cracknell's candyfloss vocals.

Dolly Parton - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Irrepressibly charming.

Celine Dion - Titanic Is Over
Celine's flaky vocals can't really carry a Christmas tune, but she gets her original teeth tuck into John Lennon's classic, and it is the standout from her These Are The Special Times album from 1998.

Diana Ross - Winter Wonderland
Taken from her - no exaggeration - stunning 1994 stopgap album A Very Special Season. I can't quite choose out just one cut, so check out my track-by-track review from two years ago here (scary - doesn't time fly when no one reads your blog?).

En Vogue - Jingle Bells (Euro & Rock Mixes)
Ruthless eurobeats tart this one into a definate favourite of mine, and the original serves as the unnoficial follow-up to Free Your Mind I kid you not.

Cyndi Lauper - Home On Christmas Day
Cyndi feels 'a little queer', her gorgeous delivery is subtle-but-catching and the folksy melody is a true classic even if she sounds as if she's puffing on a fag in between takes. Cyn serves a feative feat on her Merry Christmas ... Have A Nice Life album, which draws from 2 songs from her 1993 and 1997 albums respectively and seasons them with brand new cuts of which 5 are originals.

Cyndi Lauper Vs The Hives - A Christmas Duel
Cyndi assumes the role of 'cougar of Christmas past' on this call and response update of the Shane McGowan variety with skinny Swedes The Hives.

Madonna - Oh Father
The wilting orchestra, which then ripples into a cold shiver, makes this one of Madge's finest even before she has even wailed a note. And when she does it's her most effective vocal to date and lyrics that are almost too much to bare. Oh Father collects dust and only gets better through the years.

Kylie Mingoue - Please Stay
Kylie's sprightly flamenco flutter might not be an obvious choice, but it was a festive release (and UK #10), with Kylie's cleanly sung chorus gathering steam and thawing one back to body temperature. Snug and adorably comforting - like having too much botox, it just evaporates all worry.

Dannii Mingoue - I'll Be Home For Christmas
Dannii smashes this one out the park with her languid vocals compensating for her lack of having a clue.

Girls Aloud - Not Tonight Santa
The single that never was. I seriously don't understand why it was not released. It should be regarded as much a classic as Mariah's All I Want For Christmas. I can repeat these sentences over and over again - they would have had a selling point year after year, but nevermind. A fan favourite in the truest sense.

Girls Aloud - Count The Days
A lighter strummer in contrast to the bombastic Christmas tree shake of Tonight.

Solid HarmoniE - Give Love On Christmas Day
I had no idea this was a cover until I heard the SWV version, so for me this remains the original - I love the harmonies of which sound like street walkers huddling around a passed out santa trying to keep warm whilst searching for a wallet.

SWV - Christmas Just Ain't Christmas
A rare and underrated gem of an original festive track, taken for their stop-gap album and yet is seriously dreamy.

Eurythmics - Winter Wonderland
Annie is obviously getting a kick out of this arrangement, which is on par with the classic vintage sound of the duo, with her vocals conveying the menace of imposing icicles hanging withviolent intent.

Annie Lennox - No More I Love You's
Annie's theatrical masterpeice is her very own Teardrops (a la the Massive Attack track), it's soundscape pensively nourishing a broken heart back to life. Nearly a UK #1, it's a superstitious and heartwarming love tale of unhinged beauty.

Kate Bush - December Will Be Magic Again
Like tip-toeing to discover the arrival of presents before you should, Kate's restraint squaking flows into a lush cutlery of coin-dropping arrangements.

Kate Bush - Moments of Pleasure
Lush and heartwarming - every musical flourish seems to paint a picture of Christmas in New York, albeit a greiving one.

Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
My favourite festive song - a tornado of galeforce Christmas pathos, Love's derranged vocal and Cher amonst the backing singers (and told to stand a step back from the others to give them a chance at being heard). To hear Cher's deadpan 60s drawl is a delight and yet it never detracts from Darlene's gigantic-yet-never-overcooked performance.

Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping
Like undoing the top button of your jeans, this is the definative couldn't give a fuck and let it all hang out I-hate-Christmas Christmas anthem - the best Yuletide rap track ev er.

Coming Soon:

Danniiographii (Parts 2, 3, 4 & 5)
Lady Gaga Vs Beyonce
Bassey
Streisand
Sugababes 4.0
Leona
Depeche Mode
Curve
Cyndi
Cher
Best of 2009