Cruel Dannii Taunts Kylie's Flop Tour

In news that won't shock anyone with a discerning ear for a good pop song that isn't sung by a 40 year old impersonating a child prostitute, Kylie Minogue's Aphrodite tour isn't exactly bringing the house down. With more red patches than Michelle McManus in a bathing costume, we can see the rows of empty seats at a recent date attended by none other than the UK's favourite party jammer Dannii Minogue. We all know that BraveKylie has battled a series of flops: her X album, her Aphrodite album; her ridiculous right eyebrow; her empty womb - and now her new tour. Not one to kick a flop disco cougar when she's down under, Dannii has sent out an emergency tweet to all her fans, begging the world to put finding a cure for AIDS on hold (La Toya Jackson will be raging when she finds out!) in order to support her much older sister try and convince the world that she's still got it (crabs that is). Kylie's concerts have got so desperate in their attempts to seduce the gays with naked gay dancers that her next tour is expected to be a live gay sex show with her singing her anti-rape jams Never Too Late To Change Your Mind and Got To Be Certain. Outside in the carpark.

Mary Kiani's 100% Devotion, Ya Know?

Just as I will instruct anyone who wants their quick fix of Mary Kiani (flip n) fill (when she last begged Flip N' Fill to produce a comeback single for her they told her to flip burgers instead, but poor Kiani was confused and offered her gammon steak slices) - anyway, grip onto your handcuffed ankles and get ready for your life to change forever, Mary's unstable classics with a k are Hi-NRG avalanches of eclipsing hormonal trauma that will humiliate you, invade your dreams and leave you feeling like a shameless stereotype whether you get to the chorus or not.

When her mental health issues flare up so vividly as on the contrived pledge for sexual effort 100%, gays know only too well but to cluster together, take off their tops and prepare to wait for the 1990s to be over all over again. 'You just gotta let me in' pleads Mary-K, but Glaswegians have been warned and many don't even have homes just so she can't break in and ruin their lives with a 15 year old album that she'll tell you is 'pure dead brilliant' until you are in fact dead or lucky enough just to pretend to be.

The whimpering When I Call Your Name remains the ferocious diva's biggest top 20 hit to date as well as her only one - Kiani still gets a thrill using her TTF royalties to pay taxi drivers to circle around Georges Square as she screams out the window of a vehicle driving 15 mph between traffic lights 'can you hear me now?'

Above: close your eyes and get ready to piss yourself, Mary's interviewer asks her questions whilst flicking through Heat magazine, whilst the poor singer is reduced to begging 'any producers out there' to go to her website and even gives out her phone number live on air (as in hospital radio presumably, Mary's biggest audience). I love when she reminices about 'just workin really'.

Her Motiv8 remixes provide the only respite: I Imagine's fertile dissillusionment is whisked into a gear-shifting dance classic Gina G would give up her career for; the epic pounding of When I Call Your Name will leave you feeling more used than a whore in Iraq (the only reason it lasts over 6 minutes is to give gays enough time to break out of her high rise and escape); and the frighteningly unhinged 100% remains one of the most uplifting Steve Roadway ejaculations ever.

Don't get me wrong, Diva Incarnate loves this diva - here is a vintage post celebrating her insanity to prove it here.