Cheryl Cole hooks up with RedOne?

As we know, limp and lifeless Cheryl Cole is used to hooking black women in toilets, but now internet rumours are suggesting that the nation's favourite racist is hooking up with Swedish producer Red One. I can just imagine it now:

Red One !!!

Bring me that b**** bitch here now...

... er Cheryl Cole !!

No thanks. Just stick to looking older everytime you get papped whilst deliberately looking sad so that more headlines can flood the tabloids: "devasted Cherly gets texts from Ashely.... sad Cheryl betrayed by the KKK who deem her 'too extreme' ... Horrible bitch Nadine tells Cheryl she doesn't like racists", etc.

Cheryl Slams Gamu

Above: Cheryl still hasn't seen the back of Gamu.

After being shunned by the UK's fastest-selling racist Cheryl Cole, X-Factor's Simon-seeker Gamu has somehow managed to stun the world by having newspapers print false rumours that she has been signed by 50 Cent's music label. After You're My Sunshine being so edgy and all, is Ring A Ring 'O Roses on the cards to next year's auditions? I'm guessing as much as Cheryl probably already calls her the black plague as it is. I hope Gamu does make a triumphant return on this year's contest as it will mean another 'toughest, limpest and lifeless-est year of me lyfe' again for the nations racist sweetheart Cole.

Cheryl Cole - Promise This

With face-bruising beats hitting harder than a racist girlband member punching a black toilet attendant, the nations favourite cock-eyed racist girlband member who has punched a black toilet attendant Cheryl Cole's new single Promise This delivers a knockout. Despite her appaling violent nature, I seriously love it and think her striking images from her stunning new video recall moments of Siobhan Fahey's triumphant hairflicking from Shakespear's Sister's promo-clip for You're History, as well as stealing visual concepts from both Sophie Ellis Bextor, who was too busy not releasing her album to comment via twitter or even at the self-service queue in Tesco (where she works these days), and the Soviet princess routine of Goldfrapp's Strict Machine.

I can make all the vile and contrived jokes about Cheryl's criminal records at my own expense all I like, but there is no doubting that the girl aloud gone styled singer has reached a new very quite good peak with the promise of only more to come. Dull and lifeless her voice may be, the glossy finish of everything else makes her girlband ties seem like unwanted dandruff in comparison.