Whitney Strips For Morons

Whitney's extravagantly anticipated live UK TV comeback had spectators grovelling for her sillouette to emerge back into the spotlight: recieving their OMG ITZ WHITNEYEUSTON!!! applause like the oxygen she was missing during Million Dollar Bill's honey-dribling rapid verses, Whitney worked the crowd; hoisting her gown up to make her way back and forth, and round and round, the stage, microphone-gesturing just about anybody to save her from singing - I am sure she stuck it in Dannii's face backstage as well. Her helpless tarzan soars were kept to a minimum but were devoured by the whooping oinkers in the audience with the appropriate restrain one has came to expect from this show.

However, the main show was her 3-way chat with 'random' Dermot and a fawning Simon Cowell. If anyone can say WTF with half downturned eyes alone, it's Whitters, and her deliberately evasive feedback on the contestants performances was a stunning victory for reality over reality telivision.

Above: with no one to punch, the real wardrope malfunction was Cheryl's disasterous attempt to make herself sexy by covering her face and dressing up as a man in order to get a response from Ashley who was busy with his Nokia 330 throughout her performance to notice his wife getting it out the way without too much faults - it's not as if Fight For This Sham of A Career is a challenging song, even if you sing like a chav getting gang raped at the bus stop before her shift at Lidl.

Most jawdropping of all was the American singer's bemusement when her dress-straps came off - at least no crack came falling out. Her impromtu striptease no doubt wasn't even noticed by the morons clapping for high notes and other qualifications they might want to consider when voting such as talent and stage charisma. Seriously, she could only have topped it had she fell over or snorted cocaine of Dannii's note-perfect baps.

Holy Smoke Volume II

Words fail me - Wendy is the black Tori Spelling and I love her, but someone forgot their crack that morning.

When Vocal Chords Are Gone, In Clive I Can Be Strong

Above: old queen Clive can barely contain his semi as Whitney Houston basks in the spotlight during a press call.

The new golden delicious Whitters video is her most poised and sophisticated clip ever - even Angella Basset would be proud. Lips tremble, arms flap and her zip-tight eyes, like glistening acid slitting through the skin, look simply gorgeous - whether staples are clenched behind her ears or not, it has done the trick. She simply stands, squats and points, but I can't take my eyes off her when she is lit so beautifully. Leaves fall as backing vocals rain down to give her assistance.



It is completely auto-tuned but it is still a towering vocal given how bad it must have got, and it feathers the air whilst being wisked by lush strings fanning her weave. I for one cannot wait until Monday for her Oprah interview to air - the same grilling she referred to when she blamed the talkshow host for singing like a battered cow going water skiing.

Below: even evergreen beauty Madonna gives it the thumbs up.

Whitney Conquers More Gays

If Whitney Houston didn't know her own strength, I think 2000 drunk gays can prop her up if she continues to arm herself with solid remixes such as this one by those reclusive Freemasons. This is The Tarzan Song nevermind Million Dollar Bill - that sublime surmounting yelp swings from the chadeliers.

Million Dollar Bill

No, it's not Tarzan, that's actually my new cleaning lady Whitney Houston's new single. Maybe 5am with no sleep is the wrong time to hear this, but all I am saying on first go is that she will need to claw her way back with some lethal remixes.

I'm Your Booty Call Tonight

Incase you did not know Whitney's new album is called I Look To You, I shall break the news that this is indeed the front cover for it. She looks proper glam, like a Pointer Sister scrubbing up real good when it counts, or a tranny taking their passport pic. Whitters actually looks the most like she did on the cover of her debut album ever since that time 24 years ago. However, the lead single has changed from the gentle 'huff and puff' ballad I Didn't Know My Own Strength to a song called Calling You Tonight, which is probably about giving booty calls to rappers half her age.

Step By Step: Whitney Triumphs At Gay Club

Decaying diva's are Diva Incarnate royalty, and they don't come more histrionic and entitled than Whitney Houston on the comeback trail, premiering her new single I Didn't Know My Own Strength in the form of a palpatating Peter Rauhofer remix in a gay club full of fit topless homosexuals high on ecstasy. Judging from around 2.26 there is a bit of a high note suggesting Houston still has some of her lightning bolt strength left yet. If shirtless gays make you feel a tad underprepared for summer, just press pause and breathe a sigh of relief as they ain't all 'all that'. It may just be the bad sound quality, but this is one thunderous, Thunderpuss-worthy remix I cannot wait to strip to in my own local gay venue.