Beyonce - Best Thing I Never Had

Beyonce singing "what goes around" is harder to swallow than her favourite family-size-for-one KFC buckets, but she of the Derion has turned out one of her finest singles of all time. Granted, such grand statements are easy to make when your catalogue includes such 'gems' as Girls and Deja Vu. Her vocal is as affected as ever and it's very 1996, which is actually a huge compliment. However, I can't help of Nadine, who made music that sounded like 1994, and Gabby Cilmi, chosing to pay tribue to 1995, who both flopped. Safe and bland - finally Beyonce has found her niche (unless she fancies, finally, making more music like No No No and Get On The Bus again). It's no Rose Coloured Glasses.

Beyonce - Halo Alternate

Everyone knows that if Beyonce is in a car there is fast food involved - it's no wonder her record comapany knew the general public would never buy her cruising in the woods. Completely ripping off Goodbye by the Spice Girls, Beyonce is obviously running out of people's careers to ruin. Her sick hobby of killing dogs to make burgers finally influenced her music videos: the record company probably should have leaked this the moment Halo edged itself out of the top 10 to lipo-suck some extra life out of it.

Dannii Minogue Shoots Her Load For Girl-On-Girl

DANNII MINOGUE: Lady Gaga & Beyonce - LOVE IT !

Dannii's craving for girl-on-girl is once again thrust upon her fans - I hope she knows it's not actual lesbian porn but an over-the-top spectacular showcase of cash, fame-hungry pop stars and an average-at-best pop song.

Shakira - Gypsy

Sometimes when I comment on other people's blogs I end up writing an essay and making it all about ME, so I thought I might spare humanity and let the world know how I feel about Shakira's new single Gypsy (Sandcastle Disco Part II) right here as Brandy might plead to the jury.

If the credits rolled on Xena Warrior Princess: The Porno, then this would be playing as hordes of angry and aroused lesbians mopped up their mess. Yes, I LOVE this song. It's her Sandcastle Disco, or maybe instead of sand her disco is made of pita bread or something else ratially offensive to South American people. If I were Shakira I would be bent over and lubed up 'accidentally' never mind doing a little wiggle in front of Nadal - that's right I'd be pregnant and blaming it on Mathew Knowles (again). Speaking of trash, Beyonce would just throw a bucket of mayo over him and start feasting of course. In all seriousness, the Freemasons single edit sounds remarkably like Filter's classic 1999 strummer Take A Picture, which is due a Diva Incarnate mention very soon if I can hurry my non-hairy ass to finish a long overdue post that is coming up soon.

Unexpected Bitch of All Time?

Here she goes again, yet another formulaic 'fierce' video from BK fetishising her thighs, ass and anything else that shakes when she coughs or chokes on Jay-Z. The song in question, Sweet Dreams, is fairly excellent and written by the same team ex-bandmate Michelle Williams worked with on her amazing rnb infused dance tracks Hello Heartbreak, Till The End of The World and Private Party (which are all better coincidentally). Although many artists employ much the same producers, this just feels like Beyonce, yet again, gaining value at the expense of others - to record a track that could very evidently fit on William's floptastic classic Unexpected (even deliberately claiming ownership of the sound by performing the producer's trademark 'turn the lights on' signiture by herself) is almost like sleeping with a friend's ex and refusing to have an abortion.

Below: Bouncey's hunger for food and fame is so great that she deep fried her own limbs for a small snack between song-stealing crusades, and now uses state of the art posthetic forearms to take things 'to the next level' she told Heartless Bitch magazine, also admitting she could probably solve world hunger if she amputated her thighs or at the very least had some lipo (from her nose).

Her current album is completely disparate (even needlessly separated into 2 discs as if to hype up how distinct each disc containing songs she has a vanity credit on is), souless and without any sense of fun that is truly connected with her airbrushed persona - her agenda is just an exercise of fame and money, to look the part as much as possible. I can't deny the execution and labour she puts into her dancing is often quite staggering, but to gasp for reverence and adulation so blatantly and at no matter what the cost is to others (however tame or crass) is a massive no no (my friend gets a laugh whenever he calls her 'a talentless whore' in his own faintly smirking fashion).

Above: LaToya and LaTavia's ill-faited project Anjel might not have released anything but their formation would have at least served a purpose to provide even just a little consolation, having been wiped clean off the slate. Listen out for the potent line 'we made sacrifices like you, we didn't even finish school', which really says a lot about Beyonce if you ask me.

Like being locked inside KFC, BK can't help herself - after the second album from Destiny's Child, she co-write and co-produced the follow-up, which did have 2 very cracking singles, but overall the production sags in a way that no step machine could ever fix. Her hunger for an Oscar is almost terrifying; literally screaming throughout a performance of Listen at the Academy Awards ceremony defies belief - yes, we know you want it more than anything, but that doesn't mean you deserve it. Calm down, have fun, and make music you can put all that desperation and passion into properly - stop designing the outcome, it saps out why people might want to listen to music or watch a movie in the first place. I miss farrah!

Beyonce's less than perfect spirit: ex-bandmates dissed disgustingly on Survivor; stealing If I Were A Boy from BC Jean and initially giving herself a writing credit; Father Mathew Knowles manages Destiny's Child and Mother Tina styles them all in curtains, and Beyonce is groomed for solo stardom from the outset (best clothes, best close-ups, and singing lead vocals on all tracks despite Kelly being the better singer); original members LaToya Luckett and LaTavia break free from Mathew Knowles management and are fired, and find out when a new video premiers without them in it, subsequently gagged from badmouthing Beyonce to the press; Mathew Knowles manages Kelly and Michelle's initial solo forrays and steers their careers as far away from Beyonce's mainstream catering direction as possible (MOR and gospel!); Beyonce pretends she is a one woman En Vogue in the Diva video; and even the so-feirce-it-is-shit name 'Sasha Feirce' is pretty much ripping off forehead-billboard Trya Banks; and why be such a bitch to your bandmates and then use girlband iconography throughout your music videos and so-called film career?