Kelly Rowland - Forever & A Day

Poor Ms. Kelly Rowland is not having much luck, her casual-and-exquisite vocal command hasn't had much authority on record buyers of late, which is baffling to me. Her most recent 'international smash' Forever & A Day was like a flashback to the vocal-trance that made up my personal soundtrack back in 2003, when I started my first first year at Stirling University, and even has the same name as one of that particular era's best 'tunes' by none other than State One. I can't wait for the 2011 release of her self-titled still-born album - it will have potentially 6 singles on it by then (assuming she releases a new one to launch the bloody thing), only it will have been almost 2 years since When Love Takes Over came out by then. She's on shaky ground, which she will be used to having shared the same stage with Beyonce's thighs, but advertising an album with 5 great songs, with THAT voice, surely she can do moderately well with such an inadvertant advantage to a belated album?

Kelly Rowald's HQ Commander Is 'Out There' Y'all

Drenched in amazingness, at first I thought it was okay, then not bad, but now it's finally hit me and she even smuggles in a Beyonce diss. Okay not quite, but 'turn the lights on' is a tad from nowhere - Michelle should have just put a stop to it and made that her album title when she had the chance. My second favourite Kelly appears to be taking her second 'anthem of the summer' in as many years.

OK Magazine Causing Waves In Popworld

Okay, so OK! magazine is rather good this week: it features quotes and interviews from aspiring popstar Kerry Katona, Swedish hit and miss group BWO, fellow-Scandinavian legends Aqua and the thin woman's Beyonce, Kelly Rowland. A bizarre but marvelous menu.

Kerry can't seem to keep her nose out of trouble so if she pulls this off I for one cannot wait to wince at what goods she manages to come up with - no doubt it will be a mere premise for another season of her reality show, which can't go on if all she has got is footage of her sitting on her kitchen bunker feeling sorry for herself with a soggy fag in her chubby fingers. Something trashy and Eurovision-tastic will be remembered forever so my low expectations can only be hysterically confirmed or shabolically transcended.

Bodies Without Organs' very own cougar queen Marina Schiptjenko has the kind of appealing stiff-upper-lip glamour that is more akin to the whores in Hello magazine of whom host 'in my country mansion' style photoshoots and talk about shooting pheasant with Madonna and their top bullimia tips to look good for 40 with nothing but ice-cream and their middle finger for survival.

Kelly Rowland squeels about her single life being so much better than that shit song by Beyonce.

Finally, Aqua's Lene and the bald one respond to loosely based 'questions' related to some of their song titles, which is amusing as it's not as if 99.9% of the magazine's readers will have heard of Be A Man, and new songs Live Fast, Die Young and forthcoming single My Mamma Said. She confirms she once dated Katona's ex Brian McFaden.

Unexpected Bitch of All Time?

Here she goes again, yet another formulaic 'fierce' video from BK fetishising her thighs, ass and anything else that shakes when she coughs or chokes on Jay-Z. The song in question, Sweet Dreams, is fairly excellent and written by the same team ex-bandmate Michelle Williams worked with on her amazing rnb infused dance tracks Hello Heartbreak, Till The End of The World and Private Party (which are all better coincidentally). Although many artists employ much the same producers, this just feels like Beyonce, yet again, gaining value at the expense of others - to record a track that could very evidently fit on William's floptastic classic Unexpected (even deliberately claiming ownership of the sound by performing the producer's trademark 'turn the lights on' signiture by herself) is almost like sleeping with a friend's ex and refusing to have an abortion.

Below: Bouncey's hunger for food and fame is so great that she deep fried her own limbs for a small snack between song-stealing crusades, and now uses state of the art posthetic forearms to take things 'to the next level' she told Heartless Bitch magazine, also admitting she could probably solve world hunger if she amputated her thighs or at the very least had some lipo (from her nose).

Her current album is completely disparate (even needlessly separated into 2 discs as if to hype up how distinct each disc containing songs she has a vanity credit on is), souless and without any sense of fun that is truly connected with her airbrushed persona - her agenda is just an exercise of fame and money, to look the part as much as possible. I can't deny the execution and labour she puts into her dancing is often quite staggering, but to gasp for reverence and adulation so blatantly and at no matter what the cost is to others (however tame or crass) is a massive no no (my friend gets a laugh whenever he calls her 'a talentless whore' in his own faintly smirking fashion).

Above: LaToya and LaTavia's ill-faited project Anjel might not have released anything but their formation would have at least served a purpose to provide even just a little consolation, having been wiped clean off the slate. Listen out for the potent line 'we made sacrifices like you, we didn't even finish school', which really says a lot about Beyonce if you ask me.

Like being locked inside KFC, BK can't help herself - after the second album from Destiny's Child, she co-write and co-produced the follow-up, which did have 2 very cracking singles, but overall the production sags in a way that no step machine could ever fix. Her hunger for an Oscar is almost terrifying; literally screaming throughout a performance of Listen at the Academy Awards ceremony defies belief - yes, we know you want it more than anything, but that doesn't mean you deserve it. Calm down, have fun, and make music you can put all that desperation and passion into properly - stop designing the outcome, it saps out why people might want to listen to music or watch a movie in the first place. I miss farrah!

Beyonce's less than perfect spirit: ex-bandmates dissed disgustingly on Survivor; stealing If I Were A Boy from BC Jean and initially giving herself a writing credit; Father Mathew Knowles manages Destiny's Child and Mother Tina styles them all in curtains, and Beyonce is groomed for solo stardom from the outset (best clothes, best close-ups, and singing lead vocals on all tracks despite Kelly being the better singer); original members LaToya Luckett and LaTavia break free from Mathew Knowles management and are fired, and find out when a new video premiers without them in it, subsequently gagged from badmouthing Beyonce to the press; Mathew Knowles manages Kelly and Michelle's initial solo forrays and steers their careers as far away from Beyonce's mainstream catering direction as possible (MOR and gospel!); Beyonce pretends she is a one woman En Vogue in the Diva video; and even the so-feirce-it-is-shit name 'Sasha Feirce' is pretty much ripping off forehead-billboard Trya Banks; and why be such a bitch to your bandmates and then use girlband iconography throughout your music videos and so-called film career?