Mary Kiani's 100% Devotion, Ya Know?

Just as I will instruct anyone who wants their quick fix of Mary Kiani (flip n) fill (when she last begged Flip N' Fill to produce a comeback single for her they told her to flip burgers instead, but poor Kiani was confused and offered her gammon steak slices) - anyway, grip onto your handcuffed ankles and get ready for your life to change forever, Mary's unstable classics with a k are Hi-NRG avalanches of eclipsing hormonal trauma that will humiliate you, invade your dreams and leave you feeling like a shameless stereotype whether you get to the chorus or not.

When her mental health issues flare up so vividly as on the contrived pledge for sexual effort 100%, gays know only too well but to cluster together, take off their tops and prepare to wait for the 1990s to be over all over again. 'You just gotta let me in' pleads Mary-K, but Glaswegians have been warned and many don't even have homes just so she can't break in and ruin their lives with a 15 year old album that she'll tell you is 'pure dead brilliant' until you are in fact dead or lucky enough just to pretend to be.

The whimpering When I Call Your Name remains the ferocious diva's biggest top 20 hit to date as well as her only one - Kiani still gets a thrill using her TTF royalties to pay taxi drivers to circle around Georges Square as she screams out the window of a vehicle driving 15 mph between traffic lights 'can you hear me now?'

Above: close your eyes and get ready to piss yourself, Mary's interviewer asks her questions whilst flicking through Heat magazine, whilst the poor singer is reduced to begging 'any producers out there' to go to her website and even gives out her phone number live on air (as in hospital radio presumably, Mary's biggest audience). I love when she reminices about 'just workin really'.

Her Motiv8 remixes provide the only respite: I Imagine's fertile dissillusionment is whisked into a gear-shifting dance classic Gina G would give up her career for; the epic pounding of When I Call Your Name will leave you feeling more used than a whore in Iraq (the only reason it lasts over 6 minutes is to give gays enough time to break out of her high rise and escape); and the frighteningly unhinged 100% remains one of the most uplifting Steve Roadway ejaculations ever.

Don't get me wrong, Diva Incarnate loves this diva - here is a vintage post celebrating her insanity to prove it here.

Sugababes' Waiting List Continues To Swell Faster Than Heidi's Thighs

Dame Shirley Bassey has grown tired of waiting to replace Jade Ewan to become the 7th Sugababe. The Welsh self-confessed bitch was found sobbing into the lap of Dame Maggie Smith, in the toilets at Stringfellows nightclub, who urged the Diamonds Are Forever starlett to let go of her dreams and enjoy what is left of her life like normal grandmothers do.

Gay musical stars such as the Pet Shop Boys, Rufus Wainwright and David McAlmont attempted an intervention, writing and producing a new solo album to take the Tiger Bay belter's mind off her hysterical disappointment, which has so far resulted in her remaining family members arranging a suicide pact if the Suga's new single About A Girl goes to number one, just knowing their lives will be made hell if the grounded granny knows she's lost out to yet another number 1.

Below: flap like you mean it - the singer's bingo wings have been known to give whole audiences back eyes.

Bassey was later dragged out of Peter Stringfellow's famous pole-dancing joint after the song was played and the diva attempted a naked rendition, but when bar staff wasted thousands of pounds worth of champagne from tripping up on her baps, security were at hand to drag the poor dear whilst kicking and screaming about her white South African fans and all the gay men she employs to applaud her at airports.

The new album The Intervention Performance is 'oot the naw' she screamed in an attempt to patronise an aghast Mary Kiani who was on all 4s crawling over her own vomit looking for loose change outside where Shirley was quickly escorted into a transit van by Christopher Biggins and Cilla Black whilst Paul O'Grady sat behind the wheel ready to speed off to see if G-A-Y Bar was still open.

Below: diplomatic Joanie reassures Shirley she is better off not geting sexy right now.

Review Coming Soon.

Crazy Kiani's Quivering Commitment

Well-meaning dancefloor whore Mary Kiani's vivid ability to think allows her the most economic of emotional functions that is the envy of all registered dance divas of a certain age: her gift is to make up unrestrained personal sufferring, pain and tragedy all in her own inappropriate, lonely imagination in an attempt to revamp her brittle love life. These days Kiani rarely steps out of her high rise let alone get tangled up in real life dramas demmanding a release from social phobia. A brief period of interaction meant the misguided masochist would drive around Glasgow, scrouring for intoxicated civillians to "make up the numbers, ken?" in her short-lived club/livingroom called Slave before Strathclyde police shut it down and shipped her to Australia.

Kiani's keen will for self-infliction is showcased no better than on the unflushable floater I Imagine - a song she dedicated to an unassuming 16 year old Burger King 'employee of the week' who suddenly disappeared after numerous requests from the singer to give the terrified underweight teenage acne sufferer a lift home, until the store manager gasped "he was just a temp you crazy bitch" after Mary held a used tampon to the man's throat, dunking it on a half-finished Chicken Royale as she strutted out with as much pride as a 'pilled' woman with one broken high heel and 5 top 40 hits under her chaffing belt possibly can. Only a stash of straws and sachets of tarter sauce spilling out from under her PVC mini-skirt came close to taking this victory away from her.

The Motiv8 edits rub the necessary lotion into her rash of aggrevated hits that simply flourish with blind 'is she high?' faith. They are some of Roadway's most flattering treatments - her baffling plights given generous care and are elevated into largely forgotten mid-90s anthems of victim pride. 100% is an intense, glistening avalanche of quivering Kiani commitment, sang so exhaustively she must have collapsed in a wheelchair immediately afterwards (the singer is also famous for her numerous insurance claims). The romantic veneer of I Imagine tackles her issues with mental health and is sheer bliss to behold - she couldn't seem happier if she were shoplifting in Frasers like the good old days. Mary Kiani may very well be the "hard-faced bitch" I have read about on various Glaswegian fixtures, but God and the Gays sure love a tryer.


100% (Motiv8 Edit)
When I Call Your Name (Motiv8 Special Club Mix)
I Imagine (Motiv8 Edit)
Let The Music Play (Perfecto Radio Edit)

Note: the copy of I Imagine I have uploaded is an 'in the mix' file from a compilation CD that is slightly extended than what appears on the CD single format.