PVC-Gone MAD!

Okay, no PVC, but well-known fact dodgers the Daily Mail are accusing the CHER of copying that Cheryl Cole at the UK premier of Burlesque. Oh dear Lord, does this middle-England newspaper not know that CHER isn't actually a racist? Cher actually played this lace look way back in the early 90s with her UK chart-topping greatest hits package. I still remember being shouted through to the livingroom by my sister and mother, 'Gordon, it's Cher! Do you not want it for Christmas?' Um, yeah I do! Anyway, just a bit of off-the-cuff journalism here at Diva, as always, keeping it really real.

I just love ginger Cher!

Christina & Cher - Burlesque OST (2010)

I might have been one of the few who found a lot to enjoy in Christina's genre-gauntlet album Bionic, but even I find it a cause for some celebration that what stands as a makeshift stop-gap solo album is a return to the kind of cohesive projects that artists are commercially thriving on these days: singers need to stick to an image and/or aesthetic and be prepared to work their asses off to sell it. A fan of metaphors to explain her 'superwoman' role as a singer, mom, woman, working woman, and working woman who is also a mom, Christina just bought too many hats you see. Cher knows better; she wears wigs instead. The presence of the Oscar winning icon takes some of the weight of Christina's admittedly swelling shoulders and helps the focus stay on its origin as a soundtrack and not in fact another chance for the Genie singer to flop.

Her fog-horn take on Something's Got A Hold On Me is deaf-defying in the best and worst possible ways. Fans of the extended whoa-ness Aguilera has been know to favour - or as she might say faaa-a-a-avou-whooa-r, ha -are in for a treat.

We move into Cher world next for the female Elvis's Welcome To Burlesque, a perfunctory verion of the Pussycat Doll's Sway. Cher emotes crazy masculine innuendos and expressive androgyny, her gravy-gargling delivery could excell singing the phonebook and this comes close to proving it. Sung like a pro. Candyman part two, Tough Lover is another bulldozer vocal from Xtina.

Doing her best Madeline 'I See Me' Ashton impersonation (the opening-and-only-song from the film Death Becomes Her), But I Am A Good Girl is a swanky number that namedrops and flirts with everything but a memorable tune. Most impotent of all, A Guy What Takes His Time is a meddling Back To Basics style number - no one gets finished off on this one.

The first show-stopper, Express is a shamelessly indulgent hybrid of snapping, horns and fizzing synths. Christina's hissing cheerleader taunts are some of her highest peaks of an entire career: 'love, sex, ladies no regrets' is still sucking Madonna's dick, but wailing ever more it's never not obvious who she is.

Turn Back Time and a few others aside, I'm not a fan of Diane Warren, so I know what to expect with Cher's final number You Haven't Seen The Last of Me. Glum and knocked down, Cher's throaty gusto gets going warbling on a hard-to-not-feel-touched-by middle-8 and spectacularly diva-identified sentiments. Seek out the Dave Gaude remix.

Above: Whoopsie, wrong film!

One of the few things many seemed to agree about Bionic was that the highlights were the songs co-written by Sia, and Bound To You here is a reminder of how good those songs truly are. Not too dissimilar to All I Need, the lower temperatures of Christina's voice are huskier, sometimes smoother and more beautiful than her gigantic enactments of emotions that probably don't even exist.

The flashy Show Me How You Burlesque begins acapella once more, with a familiar frenzy of clicks, snaps and horns soon ensuing. Duck for cover if it's not your thang. There was a hilarious moment when Christina recently performed this on the American dance show Dancing With The Stars, when singing 'let me hear you say ... yeah-yeah-yeah-whoahh-yeah' knowing full well no one was going to be able to even try to go yeah-yeah-yeah-whoahh-yeah. Hard to believe it hasn't been until now, The Beautiful People half-samples/half-covers the Marilyn Manson classic. It's the most exciting and playful the girl has sounded since Come On Over.

A shame not to hear more of an ensemble (for example, a witty group number excluding Christina might have fitted the story and saved us from one of the weaker of her interchangebale solo songs), a relief to have Christina, sort of, functioning as a credible pop star once more, the album peaks in its second half. Cher's grandeur more than matches the vocal dynamism of her co-star, and Christina's more playful tracks (Express and The Beautiful Poeple) invigorate her questionable image once more after the commerically stale performance of Bionic.

Rating:
6.5/10

Giddy Up, Gays!

Well I know my youtube posts are stretching thinner than Kylie's popularity, but thought I would 'touch base' with a brand new spangly Cher remix of her current anthem that has more heavy-lifting cliches than the front row at a Weight Watchers meeting. My semester ends on 13 December so shall resume my normal postage purging thereafter, but until then I'll be taking the piss with youtube clips and the occaisonal review if I have the time. Thanks for dropping by.

Cher - You Haven't Seen The Last of Me

Cher's new Whitney-style huff-and-puff still-standing ballad You Haven't Seen The Least of Me Yet is certainly no Human, You Take It All, When The Love Is Gone or One By One that is for sure, but brings out some classic butch-but-camp mannerisms from the dramatic singer, such as the double entendre, her hefty female-Elvis gravy, and infinite remix possibilities through dramatic belting alone. I'm not daft on Diane Warren, who wrote both this and Whitney's strength re-gainer, and would happily hold a grudge on her for preventing Cyndi Lauper from releasing a Cher knock-off called I Don't Want To Be Your Friend back in the 80s, but I'm just so glad to hear new Cher material that I can overlook the laboured songwriting and enjoy what Cher brings so innately and effortlessly everytime. Cher has got this movie Burlesque in the bag - it might not be a hit, but her image has endured everything and her new album won't falter if the movie flops. Christina on the other hand, it seems, thankfully seems to have realized it is back to the drawing board as far as music goes.

Burlesque OST review coming soon.

Cher's Red Carpet Therapy Session

Just look at this - Cher is still surviving those close-ups (nevermind the soldiers in Iraq, that is what I call bravery). Cher laughs off Christina's marriage break-up in wonderfully frank terms: "that just happens ... break-ups happen! ... you know, they just happen! ... she'll deal with it!" she nodds furiously to a reporter on the red carpet. Cher's legacy is further confirmed by a wig so natural she could pass for a really pale member of En Vogue, her lips have been all her's since 2003, and her contribution to the Burlesque soundtrack will soon be wetting the appetites of her rabid fans who have been waiting for new Cher music since her emotionally anthemic ballad Human was included on her last film Stuck On You's soundtrack way back in 2003!

Official Burlesque Poster

Who knew that the cringetastic flop Connie & Carla would get a sequel with actual drag queens in it?

Burlesque Trailer

So by the looks of it, we have a new Mommie Dearest on our hands, Christina has the best song that wasn't already on Back To Basics and Cher looks as beautifully masculine as ever. Cannot wait!

Can Cher & Christina Both Be Comeback Queens?

Thanks to Mr Will-W's Pop Maven blog I was alerted to the best news in cinema since something completely not ironic, new promotional stills from Cher's comeback movie Burlesque have leaked exclusively to American newspaper US Today (I still remember reading that rag back in 1994 when I was in Florida and Ace of Base were on the cover).

Cher's strikingly confident cinematic pressence is assured, if the material is dire she can just look bored and still be Oscar-worthy. The picture marks the screen debut ofunder-duress singer Christina Aguilera, and being in the middle of Bionic's embarassing non-starting performance I feel genuinely bad for her (personally I really enjoy that album).

However, I see parallels in these two women - both have a charismatic taste for the ostentatious, Cher has endured many flop albums (her career-best Stars LP went nowhere in 1975) and Aguilera has the talent and image to last the distance if only she can soften her persona perhaps as Cher found a way to hide her shyness through unexpectedly delightful flair for deadpan.

If Christina gets to do enough numbers (that she nails) then her acting might not matter. I hope Cher gets more than just one song, or if she does that it is a big BIG one. I am also pleased to see that it looks as if the dark lady might have some sort of gaybestfriend or gayassistant to light up some uber snappy dialogue with.

Follow This, Christina You Bitch

Above: Christina talks a good game teasing an NBA basketball player off camera.

Below: blabbermouth Cher tells Chrissy how much she loves Blackout and The Fame.

Below: a pensive Cher considers what material to make a new face out of. Brave woman.

Below: as Xtina gets more and more desperate to secure a good picture for the blogs she does the classic look-at-my-fingernails gesture to Cher who concentrates on her blinking instead.

Official Burlesque Poster

Well how great it is to not see Cher, and I mean the same Cher who shall be drawing in at least half of its Box Office, not really mentioned as, say, an Oscar winner should be. Her name ought to be above the credits! It opens November 2010.