Ultimate Pop Star Countdown: 15-11

11. Gina G - Ooh Ahh ... Just A Little Bit

From it’s immediately recognisable camp siren, it’s gushing sprint to articulate her groin-orientated feelings, and simultaneously the most embarrassing song to own up to loving (oh yes it is).  My obsession with Gina just won’t ever diminish. The album was a total fluke of course, but it was near immaculate (only the soggy Missing You Like Crazy wasn’t invited to the party). Every track a dance-pop convulsion or ballad with a sleek and chic mid-tempo gloss, MYLK might only have been a remix away from sounding just as polished, but Fresh! is Gina getting to have her cake and eat it quite frankly - everything about the songs and presentation felt so ripe, the songs at their best are bursting with Gina's gushing lyrics and the fast-lane Motiv8/Metro production adrenaline. Album highlights include the swooning Ti Amo, rampant Rhythm of My Life ("my brother doesn't like you, my sister thinks your cool" is blurted out in typical blushing speeed from Gina), sumptuous I Belong To You, kitsch hollering of the title track, the emotional peak of It Doesn't Mean Goodbye, the flamenco-flutter of Everytime I Fall (although the essential versions are the Todd Terry pop radio edit and the Metro dance version), the euro-groove of Gimme Some Love, the fixated Hi-NRG mantra on the giddy head-spin of Higher Than Love and the floaty trance-wave of Follow The Light.

12. Dannii Minogue - All I Wanna Do

Dannii’s plaintive vocals and the majestic production splendour were something of a revalation for the then sibling-obscured Australian singer. Sultry self-loathing or just lust and morbid self-inspection – she is almost certainly singing this song to herself, a craving to connect and face rejections head on.  After her remarkable make-over at the time, I imagine this must be what looking in the mirror must have felt like: so much wide-eyed marvel and euphoric stillness trying to convince or take it all in, but haunted by overwhelming disbelief.  It’s a compelling lyric, and her finest composition to date.  Aching for an illusion she seems to articulate an equal amount of contempt for ("I may not be the innocent girl that you wanted me to be"), and her confessional anguish might be restless but the delivery is remarkably poised and accomplished (not to mention deliciously cold in places), which creates a synergy between the internal themes she wrestles with. The appealing production is an illuminated cascade of graceful dance sounds - no other song on the album Girl quite matched this elaborate construction.  The album's other highlights included the regal and orchestral Disremembrance (imagine Ladytron meets Whigfield), the low key Am I Dreaming that washes over you, Heaven Can Wait (this one sounds lifted from a 60s Dionne Warwick record, and also ignites into its definitive dance incarnation on the strident Trouser Enthusiasts remix), the ecstatic Movin' Up, giving Italian diva Alexia a run for her euro on the rampant piano stampede on Keep Up With The Good Times, the deliciously twisted post-divorce calculation of the dark speed-ballad So In Love With Yourself, and the introspective Everything I Wanted.  However, the treacling and jubilant scintilation of the original 'Innocent Girl Mix' edit that appeared on the belated Unleashed collection, which remains the definitive Dannii long-player (somewhat ironically surpassing her botched greatest hits job with luxurious ease), has additional ad libs that are absolutely crushing in their prettiness and introduce new persuasive subtilties: coinciding with the drum and bass hurriedly splashing like water, spritzing synthesizers that beam like rays of sunlight, and swirling currents of indispensable 90s dance decadence par excellence creating the irresistible rippling charge, usurping melancholic momentum and optimum setting for Dannii's intriguing lyrical bite and enticingly expressive nasal-navigated vocal juice to truly shine.

13. Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence

The perfect pop song, drenched in gleaming synths, house music pumping galore, Dave's distilled drawl and impish beauty on the verge of destruction, the lingering backing vocal, world-weary verses, an awe-struck chorus that remains jaw-dropping in both its sheer intensity and simplicity, and not a second wasted.

14. Kim Wilde - Can You Hear It / You Came

You Came is her best full-pelt single, but the slinky ballad Can You Hear It has a sulky appeal washed into a mixture of regal nu-wave. Kim has a habit of blowing me away with her gentle serenades such as this, Thought It Was Goodbye and Someday.

15. Spice Girls - Move Over / Spice Up Your Life

Move Over, to me, is the blueprint for the style of No Good Advice, a chorus and spat out soundbites like graffiti. The most exciting time being a Spice Girls fan: anticipating THAT second album.  I still know the dance routine to Spice Up Your Life and am only ever a full bottle of vodka away from proving it.  Move Over was like their mission statement beyond being the Madonna’s next door girls or whatever.

Mel C - Rock Me (New European Single)

I didn't see this one coming: I mean I knew it was coming, I just didn't know I was going to like this song as much. This has just been serviced to German radio, and if cougar with a 'K' Kim Wilde can have success with much better material there, then I don't see why an overrated ex-Spice Girl shouldn't be able to trouble the iTunes top 100 there too. Featuring one of her best ever choruses, perhaps it is the post-chorus that has the best hook here of all. The verses are a tad crap, but that never stopped Geri, The Beatles, ABBA or Lolly now did it? Supposedly, this is a European-only single and the UK (who are actually European, funnily enough) are being dished dance dregs instead. I don't think Mel is quite at the level where she can divide her markets and releases - she should skim the cream from 'both' projects and give everyone the best. So whatever she is up to, good luck, but the Spice Girls will always be the sum of their parts (and it was only Geri who ever really came closest to capturing that Spice spirit and spectacle in any of her solo stuff). I shouldn't really discredit MC completlely as Never Be The Same Again was clever enough to enlist Left-Eye, I Turn To You was one of those daft Ibiza anthems of its day that fizzed its trancey sounds all over the radio, and Northern Star was certainly lovely. However, the big C herself has always frustrated me ever since with lacklustre follow-ups (after the success of Northern Star I could not fathom the slump in quality found on her dreary sophomore set). Anyway, that's my ten cents and then some.

Spice Girls - Spice

You know who there are: the Spice Girls.

You know what the album is called: Spice.

Global girlgroup 'girls-and-gays-R-us' landmark Wannabe is probably the defining pop song of the 90s: from Mel B's gregarious laughter setting it off, the Leeds-native big mouth blurts out the start of the alpha female rap dual between herself and the group's other loud gob Geri Halliwell, a call and response ensues whilst egging on some bloke to tell her what he 'really, really wants' as if the suggestion of sex isn't quite outrageous enough for them, before they then proceed to slag off their other band mates who don't really have a say in the matter. The best part is when Geri sneers Victoria is 'a real lad-eee' as if humiliating her for not being a slag or something. The Motiv8 'Vocal Slam' is neverending and set the standard for 2007's Soulseekerz remix, which was the best thing about their pathetically under-realised comeback.

The sexiness oozing from Say You'll Be There is like a more 'Essex' version of SWV's Right Here. Lubricated with a confident Rn'B saliva that was still effortlessly pop and without the self-awareness such genre-swallowing on Forever displayed, this was the moment if felt like they were on to something.

Safe sex teen-dream ballad 2 Become 1 put the condoms on big black dick and was coming 'back for more'. Layered, just like their favourite cocks, with gentle groans of encouragement. They do it in front of a full orchestra, the show offs.

Predicting (pregancy?) their fanbase might need to persuade their mummy's for extra pocket money to buy all their merchandise, Mama is ingratiating and despite signifying very litte, became one of the highlights on their comeback tour - having blagged a free bottle of wine at the O2 venue, I can barely remember anything to make that statement mean anything either.

More playful mischief, Love Thing isn't notable until Geri and Mel get bored and start rapping. It's so imperfectly motivated. On the level of attention it deserves, Last Time Lover is basically a series of breathy swoops and probably should have stood down for either the Geri-mumbles of Bumper2Bumper or the darker Geri-drivel within Take Me Home. Not sharing their joke, Something Kinda Funny is the same, but better. If they appear to be dumb on the surface, then Naked proves underneathe they're a little bit more bumpy.

Album closer and tour opener If U Can't Dance's 'juice for you to saviour' just doesn't bear thinking about (Mel B's characature on the Bo Selecta show memorably blurts out declamatory statements about her 'pussy juice' which luridly comes to mind). Keeping safe distance, this remains one of their strongest suits, and Geri never sounded sexier.

Rampant disco slice Who Do You Think You Are was their very own Relight My Fire. Chorus like a tsunami of conditions for getting in their pants. Influenced acts from Billie Piper (the vanilla sexdrive pledge She Wants You) to Luscious Jackson (the confidence booster Nervous Breakthrough).

In reterospect: the best thing about pop music in the 90s.

DiscoBlister

Pop music is a tricky puzzle that Geraldine Estelle Halliwell (born 6th August, 1872) has always found an embrassingly akward fit, and a rusty voice like a dog barking through a jagged muzzle was never enough to stop her from trying. A 'schizophonic' catalogue indeed, it is probable that her song Love Never Loved Me was Ms. G's very finest, its shifting and rotational (piles) production glides powerfully in plaintive spirit to perhaps a cummulative moment of 'shit hitting the fan' career clarity and ever restless self-pity. Ger's cut-throat bile/lyrics shriek down the chalkboard with ragged bitten nails, pushed-to-the-limit sincerity and push-up-bra bravado.

Celebrated by net-droids, tragic Gays and Gays who should know a lot better, for her esteemed 'feel the burn' desperation and shameless 'feel the fear' bin-raking exploits, her soul was sold on eBay only to be out-bid by serial dater Rachel Steve. Hagwell has had her very public strugles, her very public stagnation, and also her very public starvation - her pop metabolism has not had much to chew on as a consequence.

Perhaps Big G had disco constipation - if so, Love Never Loved Me was the greasy turd that finally slid out happily after months of waiting. Speaking of build up, Geri thankfully claims her urge to purge has been supressed, but maybe she just doesn't have the stomach for it anymore (literally). If Geri is not about to release this song anytime soon, why not give it to Dana International - it has a surreal, tender pathos that tranny-pop thrives on like prescription drugs and can transform into a triumph. Passion was not the disaster that most reviews made out, and here are the key album tracks I think are worthy to be added to any overspilling euro-pop playlist:

Love Never Loved Me
Superstar
Surrender Your Groove
Let Me Love You More
Don't Get Any Better

Don't Get Any Better features the immortal line "fix my tits" which is every bit as horrendously brilliant as any fan will have come to expect.