When a 'friend' messaged me on Facebook about the return of Pearl Gates with a video co-starring Gay porn twit Zeb Atlas my choice was made for me, I had to come clean. My story is really embarassing and I come off more than a tad desperate, so naturally I have to share it. Basically, we have all be scammed by fake profiles online before. Haven't we? Well I have been, quite a few times! And maybe two years ago I fell for the biggest hoax since Dannii Minogue's record deal with AATW.
A Russian doctor, a brain surgeon, started messaging me on Gaydar. I know what you are thinking, where could I possibly began to suspend my disbelief. His profile, which is now deleted sadly, had a picture of Zeb Atlas on it. Now at this point I had no idea who Zeb was as I'm pretty useless at looking up porn - 'N Sync's Tearing Up My Heart is usually good enough for me. He was calling himself something like Duhkkan, which he said was a local Russian name, and oh yes that he was 7ft tall with a 12 inch penis and was active in bed. We even spoke on the phone!
So far so good, right? Well, then he wanted us to meet - and I must point out the it wasn't like we had phone sex or anything so I honestly was not detecting any bull shit - and talked about having dinner. Then things did begin to puzzle me: it's not like I'm a complete narcassistic retard you know. He lived in England, but had a home in Edinburgh (as he was a rich Russian brain surgeon - keep up!) and chose The Witchery for us to dine and stay over. A quick google later and I discover Dannii Minogue has been there before and wrote on the guestbook it was 'DA BEST LOVE DEN EVAH', which got me even more dillusional. She seriously does.
But before any of all this fantasy could not come true, I had to look the part and he arranged a date for me to meet up with his lesbian personal shopper. You know what, I've told enough, but basically I took a day off work for this craziness and funnily enough this was exactly when he stopped answering his phone (he said his hands were too big to text, dear God). He did later get back to say that he couldn't make it as he had been in a car accident and broke two of his two loegs.
Now that my brain was more tormented than ever, I decided to be rational and create my very own fake profile and found out he obviously hadn't broken two of his two 7ft legs. I also posted the unknown-to-me picture of Zeb on famousmales.com and asked who this person was and soon found out.
I mean Jesus Christ, who on earth would fall for this? ME, that's who. So no Peral Gates, you can move on girlfriend 'cos your song is messier than a pearl necklace and I can only take so much - just don't tell me it's coming out on a 12" as I'll fucking snap, gurrl!