Thursday, 12 November 2009

Sugababes' Waiting List Continues To Swell Faster Than Heidi's Thighs

Dame Shirley Bassey has grown tired of waiting to replace Jade Ewan to become the 7th Sugababe. The Welsh self-confessed bitch was found sobbing into the lap of Dame Maggie Smith, in the toilets at Stringfellows nightclub, who urged the Diamonds Are Forever starlett to let go of her dreams and enjoy what is left of her life like normal grandmothers do.

Gay musical stars such as the Pet Shop Boys, Rufus Wainwright and David McAlmont attempted an intervention, writing and producing a new solo album to take the Tiger Bay belter's mind off her hysterical disappointment, which has so far resulted in her remaining family members arranging a suicide pact if the Suga's new single About A Girl goes to number one, just knowing their lives will be made hell if the grounded granny knows she's lost out to yet another number 1.

Below: flap like you mean it - the singer's bingo wings have been known to give whole audiences back eyes.
Bassey was later dragged out of Peter Stringfellow's famous pole-dancing joint after the song was played and the diva attempted a naked rendition, but when bar staff wasted thousands of pounds worth of champagne from tripping up on her baps, security were at hand to drag the poor dear whilst kicking and screaming about her white South African fans and all the gay men she employs to applaud her at airports.

The new album The Intervention Performance is 'oot the naw' she screamed in an attempt to patronise an aghast Mary Kiani who was on all 4s crawling over her own vomit looking for loose change outside where Shirley was quickly escorted into a transit van by Christopher Biggins and Cilla Black whilst Paul O'Grady sat behind the wheel ready to speed off to see if G-A-Y Bar was still open.

Below: diplomatic Joanie reassures Shirley she is better off not geting sexy right now.
Review Coming Soon.

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