Sunday, 8 November 2009

Danniiographii Part 1: Love & Kisses & Get Into You Selected Cuts

Dannii's international musical introduction was the shy but immersingly syrupy house jam Love & Kisses, blushing with precautious predictions for romantic activity way beyond her years. Dannii raps her baps off for a man to call her own - a timid Dannii blurting the thoughts of her vagina is impossible to censor, and the single was a UK #8.

Jabbing Italo-house keys pound relentlessly, as do the beats, on her follow-up single $uce$$ - more of a workout slog than a song, Dannii's ambition is more infectious than sharing a needle with a Glaswegian, and whilst the glitzy carnage is average at best, her ravaging vocal is compelling as is the notable visual improvement of the video. Her rapping continues to flourish and put black people to shame - a true innovator.

The squeeling hip hop of the glaring finger-snapper Attitude scares me to death - it even inspired a gay magazine in its honour, and Kylie sure did 'pick up on this' with her feeble tribute album Body Language.

Dannii's ultimate puppy fat phat bopper to this day remains Jump To The Beat, an ecstatic and jittery house track with more kick than a racist Kangaroo at a Cheryl Cole concert. Cardio-crazy Dannii continues to shed her excess lbs, exhaustively spending a full week on her back, and flaunts her goth-bitch glamour in the video, which could give even a blind person and epilptic fit, looking like a pre-Will & Grace Karen Walker flashback. The rampant beats swerve from all directions and Dannii flipped out when black topless male dancers were lining up for her after filming wrapped. The sparkling house creation was her second UK #8 smash.

The slinky Madonna reject Baby Love is one of the Australian's most underrated hits, a cult classic with its sharply orchestrated glamour, boasting her definitive blushing vocal which melts like excess KY dripping down one of her impressive thighs - Dannii was turning into a complete gym junkie and proudly chaffed more aggressively than ever in another best-yet promo clip. Her sensual nose-twitching inspired B*Witched to have a number 1 single using the same gimmick 7 years later - Dannii didn't even realise as the deed was simply her secret code for someone to fetch her some substance. I'll always have a soft-porn spot for the magnificent video - I'm sure Madonna cried herself to sleep sleeping with back-up dancers all year.

Her sultry aggression was laid bare full-frontal on the awesome period-pains ballad I Don't Wanna Take This Pain - her constipated vocals grapple and achieve movement in even the stalest of second-hand grooves. Her agony paid off with her first substantial flop - Dannii wasn't about to stop rapping for nobody, trapped wind or no trapped wind. Millions of women thanked Dannii later for standing up to the lack of a decent painkiller and there are now more women addicted to drugs than ever.

Dannii's enchanting ballad True Lovers is like being raped through the ears, with forceful drums not taking no for an answer, but there's no real climax.

Dannii's sophomore album search for a hit started with the exceptionally quite good Love's On Every Corner, her nose-blowing vocals were stronger than a long-awaited bowel movement and her image potrayed her trashiest flashes of sexuality yet. Her street-walking anthem was her second toilet-flush flop.

Her soda-fizzing helium cover of This Is It remains one of the diva's signiture tracks with more bounce than a double-booked hooker in Iraq. The inspirational music video showcased her flat stomach and hetrosexual husband who was a complete natural at looking hetrosexual whilst wearing cotton.

The sleazey orifice-oozing rocker Get Into You was the musical equivalent of Janet Jackson's skidmarks: a breathtaking showcase for Dannii's thristy vocals, which have rarely sounded as empassioned or impaired depending on your expectations for to Dannii to change music forever. Z-snapping backing vocals spur her on - a vast improvement on the faceless album tracks and the first unequivocal sign Dannii had a vision and instinct to pursue a slutty pop career even if no one cared.

My favourite Dannii 'early years' campaign was her disco delivery This Is The Way: lush strings so fine they would shame Madonna and make any gay man cry. Her serene vocal duty was confident and her coffee shop video rushed numerous American sitcoms such as Friends into production to cope with the worldwide demand for coffee shop based TV shows: despite no one buying her music, there was no fucking stopping her.

Coming Soon: Dannii concquers Japan, the gays and her weight issues!

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